Manifesting the Abundance of Life
by Skyscraper77
Summary: Olivia & Amanda started out as friends, then were friends with benefits, and are now dating. This story is the journey of healing for both Olivia & Amanda as they deal with the aftermath of William Lewis. Not too dark but I do give trigger warnings. This is the sequel to "Life". You don't necessarily have to read "Life", there is a small recap at the beginning of the first chapter.
1. It Begins

**Things to know before you read (a small recap):**

 **Amanda doesn't know Fin is aware of her and Olivia's relationship. Fin is the only one who knows about them. Fin was with Melinda once upon a time ago, even though she was married. Amanda was raped by Patton. Amanda had an abortion after Patton raped her. Amanda is a gambler. Amanda has been going to therapy but is finally doing okay. Olivia knows all of the above.**

 **There is no Frannie (Sorry). Amanda and Olivia started out as friends, then friends with benefits, and are now dating. Olivia likes pain during sex sometimes but not often and Amanda is aware of this.**

 **If you want to read more of their relationship, feel free to read the prequel story "Life". But let me warn you, the beginning is a little rough because it's when I first started writing years ago but it gets better.**

 **LIGHT TRIGGER WARNING just in case** _ **.**_

 **This chapter starts with Lewis. I'm not going to go into much detail as to what happens between Olivia and Lewis. I'm basically going by the show, but I'll change things up a bit according to her and Amanda's relationship. As far as her injuries, they are mostly the same. I personally wish they had gone into more detail about the marks on her body, the burns and the scars so I will be doing that, but most of it will be an 'after the fact' type thing. I'm not up for writing most of the things that happened between Lewis and Olivia.**

 **Please forgive any typos that I've missed. I have no beta.**

Amanda was jogging in the park when she saw him. Another jogger's dog took off beside her when she gave chase. The dog got to him before she could but never-the-less, she tackles and cuffed him. A photography had pictures of the incident, making a case hadn't been hard. His fingerprints being burned off was the blonde's first clue that something was wrong, and she'd called in the squad on their day off.

Olivia had grilled him and Nick had watched, not liking the tactic she was using. He never liked it when she flirted and flaunted herself in front of their perps to get a rise out of them, yet she seemed like the only one who could actually make that tactic work. It didn't matter though, the confession was only hear-say and hypothetical, especially since he had no lawyer, so they couldn't use it as evidence.

They'd interviewed his ex-roommate who seemed to be fucked up but in a different way, anyhow, he was scared shitless of their perp.

He was a sick, twisted man. They all knew it.

Olivia had worked hard to get him. She'd used every tactic she knew and it had been a while since she'd flaunted herself, her body, in front of a perpetrator to get him to talk. She'd used her words and had told him the things he'd want to do to her body, described them immensely. It was basically dirty talk in his world, foreplay.

In fact, the last time she'd done this, it'd been with a perp that had gone after Babs Duffy. Then, she'd been pretending to be a lesbian. Now, she was pretending to be straight. Olivia figured she was technically bisexual since she was truly attracted to men and women but she didn't care to clarify for anyone.

Then the lab fucked up and he got off on a technicality. Everyone was pissed and disappointed. He'd raped, tortured, and killed so many women across so many states, it seemed impossible that he had gotten off so easily.

Everyone in the squad was upset. Cragen had sent her home, told her not to come back to the squad room for a couple of day and that it wasn't an option.

Amanda had pulled a double the next day, needing to busy herself. This case had been a lot, taken a toll on her. She needed to keep herself and her mind busy. She was getting the itch to gamble but didn't want to attend a meeting nor did she want to bother Olivia with her needs right now, knowing the brunette needed time to get herself together as well. It'd been hard on both of them. A major loss, possibly their biggest one yet. They were together a lot, but it was also important to have their separate personal time.

The blonde had no idea of what her girlfriend had come home to that night, there was no way she could possible know.

Olivia herself was surprised to find him, William Lewis, in her apartment.

She'd thought it was Amanda, that maybe she'd decided not to take the double-shift after all and had just needed some down time with Olivia. It's not like they had had much down time lately anyways. Sure, they'd kept up their sex life. Here lately though, it was quick fucks here and there. At least it was working between them and they spent most nights together.

So, when Olivia rounded the kitchen counter to see what her girlfriend was up to, she was horrifically surprised to see the gun pointed in her face. Immediately, she began beating herself up for not drawing her weapon, which had been her first gut instinct but she had ignored it because now she was practically sharing an apartment with another woman.

" _Welcome home Detective Benson,_ " he had said to her with the biggest smile on his face. He looked like a kid in a candy store.

She stared at him in slight disbelief but she'd be damned if she faltered and let him see her fear. Olivia had remained strong and tall, even though she'd personally studied his casefiles and knew what was most likely to come. Her endorphins kicked in and so did the adrenalin.

" _Lewis._ " She'd whispered to him, nodding her head maybe to confirm it to herself that he was really here and that she needed to brace herself for what was to come.

" _That's right, sweetheart._ " He'd replied and she took a deep breath. If he wanted a fight, she'd give him one. It was on.

And so it had begun.

When Amanda still hadn't heard from Olivia two days later, she mentioned it to Fin. He'd told her she was probably stuck in her head.

They'd decided to go pick up some coffee and dinner to bring to Olivia. Fin knew Olivia had been upset at the case being thrown out. Amanda knew Fin wouldn't be suspicious of their relationship, to him it'd just seem like two friends bringing their colleague food. Olivia still hadn't gotten around to telling Amanda that Fin knew about them, she just hadn't known how to yet.

They had known something was wrong the instant they saw the mail piled outside of Olivia's door. Amanda looked at the pile questioningly and Fin whipped out his key to Olivia's apartment after he tried to open the door but found it locked. Amanda took a moment, realizing that Fin also had a key to her girlfriend's apartment but it made sense. Fin had been her friend a long time and she was sure that at one time, Elliot had also had a key. The food and coffee sat on the floor as the two of them tried to figure out what was going on.

Fin pushed the door open but Amanda had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach and she moved past him in a heartbeat.

She walked into the kitchen and gapped at the state of the apartment. Everything was messed up, thrown everywhere. There was blood on the carpet and the smell of vodka and burnt flesh had filled her nose. Amanda knew Lewis had her, he had her girlfriend. She hunched forward with one hand over her mouth and the other on her stomach, knowing she was going to be sick.

Fin was behind her instantly. He put his strong arms around her mid-section and picked her up, backtracking until he reached the hallway.

He swallowed hard as he sat her down.

" _It's a crime scene,_ " he told her silently as he held her hair back for her while she threw up on the hallway carpet, " _we can't contaminate it…_ "

He held her hair with one hand as he pulled his phone out to call the captain. Fin glanced at their take-out food sitting in its plastic bags on the other side of the hallway. Might as well throw them out now. Neither one was hungry anymore, not after that.

Cragen had told Fin he'd be there as soon as possible with Nick and that CSU were on their way.

Once Amanda was done, she wiped her mouth on her sleeve and stood up, walking down the hall, stopping a few feet away and bracing herself on the wall.

Fin walked down the hall after her. He was in shock himself but he knew he needed to keep it together for Amanda. It's what Olivia would want him to do.

Amanda was crying, bracing herself against the wall. Fin walked in front of her to where he was facing her.

" _I know how close you are with Liv,_ " Fin stated. " _But Cragen is gonna pull you from the case if you're like this when he shows up…_ " he told her. Fin cared about Amanda, he didn't like to see her hurting and he was worried as hell about Olivia.

" _I'm fine…_ " she stated, looking at him and wiped the tears off her face.

" _No, you're not._ " He told her squarly. " _Your girlfriend just got abducted by one of the sickest psychos we've ever seen in America… you ain't okay in no form…_ " he told her honestly. The cat had to come out of the bag sometime.

Amanda stared at him in surprise with wide eyes that were red from crying.

" _Fin…_ " she whispered and her eyes began to water without her consent. She was silent for a moment as she looked at the ground, contemplating her next move. Too many things were happening at once. She felt like she was caught in a whirlwind of bad things.

" _How long have you known?_ " she asked, looking to him.

He would have smiled at her if he wasn't so grim about what Olivia was going through at the moment. He didn't know where she was, but he knew what was probably happening to her. " _Liv told me a little while ago… I was having a moment and took some things the wrong way. She blurted it out before she could stop herself, she was trying to reassure me that she trusted me and went into a full on panic attack…_ " he told her. " _She felt bad for outtin' y'all to me… it was taking her some time to figure out how to tell you…_ "

Amanda nodded in understanding. She was numb, probably going into shock. She couldn't be mad at Olivia even if she wanted to be, and she didn't want to be. Fin was one of Olivia's best friends. The blonde had figured if they told people, that he would be the first anyways. It was ironic really, almost comforting. She was about to enter a storm and if Olivia hadn't spilled the beans to Fin, then Amanda would have no one to help her through it and keep her grounded. Sure, he'd still be there for her, but he wouldn't have known the extent of Amanda's pain. She wouldn't have been able to fully confide in him.

" _Fin,_ " Amanda started. " _What's happening to her?_ "

The blondes face contorted as she fully lost control of her emotions just thinking about Olivia and what she's been going through. They'd both read the files on Lewis. They knew his MO and what he liked to do to victims.

" _She's been with him for two days already, Fin!_ " Amanda cried.

He engulfed her in a hug quickly to try and help her calm down. The last thing they needed were Olivia's nosey neighbors stepping into the hallway with them.

" _She's a fighter, you know that better than anyone. She's opened up to you more than she ever opened up to Elliot. We'll find her_." He told her, but that's where his promise ended. He couldn't promise that she'd be okay… or even alive. He focused on the blonde rather than the brunette. He needed to keep his mind busy, otherwise he'd end up breaking too.

He held her tight. Her hands fisted his shirt as she tried to keep her body up right.

" _Fin… what if he's… what if…_ " Amanda tried to mumble into his shoulder, she couldn't take it anymore. Her knees buckled but she didn't go anywhere. Fin had one arm tight around her waist and the other was across her back. He wasn't going to let her fall.

" _I gotcha… it's gonna be okay…_ " he whispered to her. Fin knew she was thinking about what was happening to Olivia. In a way, they both knew this would be worse than what had happened to Amanda. Yeah, Amanda's rape had been terrible but they both knew the character that William Lewis was, the sadist he was. " _Until we find her, until she gets back, you're gonna stay with me._ "

Amanda's feet were firmly on the ground now. She was somewhat stable but she still leaned into him.

Eventually, the younger woman pulled back. She protested immediately. " _I'm not staying with you._ " She stated firmly.

" _Yeah, you are._ " He told her, and he wasn't taking no for an answer. " _Whether it's while we're on the case, going home for some shut-eye, or at the precinct, you're gonna be around me, Amaro, Cragen, or someone._ " He told her strongly. " _This… this is the kinda shit that makes people relapse. And you know damn well if Olivia comes back and sees that you're gambling and doin' shit again, she's gonna kick my ass for not holding you up when she wasn't here._ "

Amanda swallowed hard. He was right, it was slightly funny to think of Olivia kicking his ass but she couldn't laugh or even muster a smile, not with what they'd just found out.

" _Alright…_ " she reluctantly agreed in her sweet, southern accent.

" _Cragen's gonna be here in a few with Nick and CSU. You gonna be able to work this or do we need to leave?_ "

" _Honestly?_ " she said quietly and he nodded his head in confirmation. " _I wanna leave. I can't go into that apartment that we've been sharing and see everything that he did, that he's done. I can't…_ " she sounded defeated but she was being honest with him and he was so very happy about that.

" _Okay. When Cragen gets here, we're gonna go back and work on the case from the bullpen. We've got plenty to do there. We can go through Lewis' file to see if we have any leads as to where he's taken her. We can interview his attorney… there's plenty to do. You aint gotta go in there again, Amanda._ " She loved Fin, she really did. He was one of the best men she'd ever met and one of the greatest friends she'd ever had. He'd always have her back.

" _Fin,_ " she started once more, " _thanks… for having my back… and for not ratting us out to Cragen…_ " she said shyly.

He gave her a reassuring nod. He was slightly hurt that she thought him ratting them out was a possibility, but he didn't call her on it. Not now.

" _Amanda,_ " he called and she looked up at him after wiping her eyes once more, " _I gotta ask… is there anything in there, in the apartment that is gonna put you and Liv together? Nick and Cragen are gonna be in there, they're gonna see all of Liv's stuff…_ " he told her, trying to get his message through to her.

" _Oh god!_ " she said loudly, just realizing what he was saying. Fin was right. If Amanda had things in Olivia's apartment, sexy things, or photos of the two of them together intimately, Cragen would find them. CSU would comb the apartment clean. They'd find everything.

Fin pressed his lips together in a thin line.

" _There's notes, little sticky notes… when we were working opposite shifts, she'd leave me some lovey-dovey note to find when I'd have to wake up without her… some of them are on the fridge…_ " Amanda stated in disbelief. " _There's pictures… not nudes or anything,_ " and Fin cringed at the thought of them actually taking nude photos together. He definitely didn't need those images in his head. " _They're just us hanging out… just being us… but you can tell we're more than friends in them… in a few, we're kissing. Those are also on the fridge. Oh no!_ " Amanda covered her face with her hands.

" _Hey,_ " Fin said softly, making her look at him. " _You know Lewis' MO. He likes fucking up personal things. For all we know, he burned them. I didn't pay much attention to the fridge when we were in there, but I don't remember seeing any pics of you two. We don't know what they'll find in there, okay?_ " He told her firmly and he meant it. " _Let's keep it between us. If Cragen or Nick sees anything, they might not comment on it… if Cragen wants to bring it up, he'll let you know._ "

Amanda nodded in agreement and starting biting the fingernail on her thumb. " _Cragen will be mad. I'll be transferred out, probably back to Atlanta…_ " her train of thought was like a runaway train… She always assumed the worst.

" _Nah,_ " Fin simply stated. " _See, this sick son-of-a-bitch just took the one woman that he saw as a daughter. Cragen isn't going to care that you and Liv are a thing, not right now. He wants what we all want. He wants her back safe. And if he does find out and needs to address it, he'll address it after we have her back._ " He told her. " _And we will get her back_ " he stated once more, not needing Amanda's head to revisit the bad place that it'd just been. She can't breakdown once their captain is here. " _And by that time, he'll be over being mad about it, he'll just be relieved she is back…_ "

Fin swallowed hard. " _And you know he'd never send you back to Atlanta… not when he knows what happened to you there… he'd transfer you to another unit here at best…_ "

" _Okay, you're right… you're right…_ " she stated, still chewing on her thumb.

" _It's gonna be okay,_ " he said to her.


	2. Aftermath

**Giving you another trigger warning just in case.**

William Lewis had Olivia Benson in his grasp for four days.

His eyes had lit up in her apartment when he had realized she was fucking the blonde detective. It seemed to fuel him, to turn him on more. He looked at her differently after that.

Olivia had fought him. Hard.

In the end, he had broken her. Literally, mentally, and physically, but she'd put up one hell of a fight.

She'd been in dangerous situations on the job, but nothing like this. Sealview didn't come close to this. Not by a long shot.

Olivia had welcomed the burn of vodka down her throat. She knew what was in store for her so she didn't mind being drunk to endure it. The pills were another story. She'd never used pills before aside from the few painkillers she'd been on when she had gotten hurt on the job. She'd tried to spit the pills out when he forced them inside her mouth and towards the back of her throat but in the end, she had to comply. It was a nice high though, not as bad as she had expected. Olivia had expected a bad reaction because pills and vodka don't mix.

The first couple of burns were the worst. After that, the shock kicked in, the adrenalin and endorphins helped generously. She knew she'd be scarred forever, literally and figuratively. Olivia already had scars from the job, but none that would look like this. Lewis hadn't even taken her bra off when he did it. There was nothing sexual about it and for that, she was grateful. He had just wanted to see her in pain. He had gotten bored pretty quickly though. They'd only spent the first twelve hours or so at her apartment, then he was ready to move onto something else.

She was starting to understand her mother more and more, with each time she was pumped full of her mother's drink. It was a nice dull to the pain. Lewis hadn't noticed but he was making it easier for her by getting her drunk over and over again. Numbing the pain at times.

The car ride had been bad, the lack of water was worse. She had gotten dehydrated quicker than the normal person would because she'd had so much vodka.

He'd forced her to watch him rape a middle-aged woman that she later realized was his attorney's mother. That was hard. She'd only seen rapes on tapes from where they'd busted a sex trafficking ring or when they were watching a live web cam feed when they were trying to pinpoint a location of someone being held captive against their will who was also being sexually assaulted or sold online. She'd never witnessed a rape or sexual assault in person but now it was seared into her brain.

The beach house was another level of hell all within itself.

She'd been humiliated. Lewis had helped her to the bathroom, he'd seen her bottom half naked, he'd touched her intimately, cleaning her up himself because he left her hands cuffed. At least he hadn't touched her down there sexually while she was exposed. Everything else, all the other touches and gropes, had been over her clothes.

Olivia had thought about Amanda, and how she was so happy that she'd made it home first instead of the blonde. Olivia couldn't have imagined what would have happened if God forbid, Amanda had walked through the door instead of her. She wasn't even sure Amanda would have been able to survive being re-victimized. It'd been so hard for her to get past her initial rape and it'd taken years for her to fully confront what happened. Olivia could still remember the night that Amanda had confessed it to her. How she'd held the younger woman close and that had been when they were just friends.

In the end, Olivia had beat him. She'd completely lost it, her anger had come through.

Olivia had channeled her anger that she had against her rapist father, her abusive and drunken mother, the man who'd abused and raped the woman she cared about, Harris from Sealview, and more.

She needed Elliot now. She'd even said it out loud to Lewis, she'd told him her old partner would know what to do. And Elliot would have. Even if he left her all those years ago, she had no doubt in her mind that if Elliot had been there, in that room with her, he would have killed that sick son-of-a-bitch. She knew that for a fact.

But Elliot wasn't there. And after she had shooed away the illegal maid and her daughter, she'd channeled that anger and beat the shit out of William Lewis.

He had been cuffed to the bed, which had been her doing, and she'd chosen to take the metal bar instead of the gun, and beat him with it until he was practically dead.

When she'd finally called her unit in, she was going through shock again. She had been waiting in the hallway, for fear that he's somehow break free even though he looked dead. Lewis was a bloody mess and she had become the monster.

She'd already made up her mind that she'd lie. She'd say he broke free and she did what she had to in order to subdue him.

Nick entered the house first, gun drawn and vest on. She was sitting on the floor against the wall of the hallway holding her gun. She was shaking. Cragen had entered next. They gave the all clear and got the paramedics in.

Nick wrapped her in the blanket and walked her to the car. Olivia was aware that Fin nor Amanda were there. She could only hope they were together wherever they were. She hoped Fin had kept an eye on the blonde.

Olivia sat in the ambulance and Nick rode with her to the hospital. She was aware that she was broken.

Broken bones.

Broken heart.

Broken soul.

Nick made sure not to touch her. He was going by the book and treating her like a victim. He didn't ask her any questions, just sat quietly with her making sure that she knew he was there if she needed him to be. She'd given him a light smile at his words of comfort but for some reason she still could not find her voice.

Olivia stayed on the stretcher as they wheeled her into the back entrance of the ER. She was a smart detective. She figured half of New York knew her face by now. She would have been all over the news.

The hospital was notified ahead of time and had a private room waiting for her. Only the best for New York's finest.

Fin and Amanda arrived shortly after Nick and Olivia. Cragen had escorted William Lewis to a different hospital.

Amanda and Fin met Nick in the waiting room.

" _How is she?_ " Amanda asked with wide eyes.

" _She's… not good. She's got some cracked ribs, broken wrist but they've already set it, they're putting the cast on now. She needed some stitches above her eyebrow… she's got burns. They are treating those too. There's cuts around her wrists from the handcuffs but they aren't too deep…_ " Nick answered them, spilling out all of the information that he had.

Fin nodded his head, acknowledging that he'd heard but declining to comment.

" _She's asking for you._ " He threw in their direction.

Amanda's eyes lit up. " _Where's her room?_ " she said with anticipation.

Nick cleared his voice. " _She's asking for Fin._ " He stated quietly. Amanda's face visibly fell.

Fin wasn't very surprised. " _Her room?_ " he asked.

" _Room 7C, go down the hall, take two rights and you'll see it._ " He told Fin.

Fin left Nick with Amanda in the waiting room while he went to see Olivia. Cragen, Nick, and Fin had worked as a team to find Olivia, but to also have Amanda's back.

Nick put his hand on the small of Amanda's back to usher her to a chair on the far side of the waiting room where it'd be more private. He knew she'd been crying. He could tell by looking at her reddish, swollen eyes.

All she could do now was sit and wait for Fin to return.

Fin walked down the hall, making sure to take the exact directions Nick had provided him. Once he arrived at her room, he saw the words " _Jane Doe_ " on the outside door sign. They had done this to provide her with safety and protection in case the press or anyone else tried to bother her.

He knocked a couple of times and waited for her to allow him entrance.

Her voice was slightly hoarse but she told him to come inside.

Fin closed the door gently behind him and walked towards her bed.

" _Hi,_ " she said with a small hint of a smile on her face. She was in an ugly blue polka dotted hospital gown under the covers but even she could pull off that look

" _Hey, baby girl,_ " he replied.

He stared at her, taking in all of her injuries. She had several bruises, a black eye, a newly casted arm, stitches above her eyebrow. And that's only the skin that he could see.

Fin's eyes began to water. She'd only seen him cry once and it had been over their medical examiner years ago.

" _Don't do that…_ " she whispered as her eyes also began to water at their own accord. " _It's contagious…_ "

He cocked his head sideways and continued to stare at her. He began to slowly approach her bed. She was going to be jumpy, even if she wasn't now, it'd happen sooner or later. She'd have PTSD, they all knew it including her but her trauma was fresh. The PTSD probably hadn't kicked in yet.

He grabbed a chair from under the window and pulled it close to her bed. As close as he could get.

He slowly reached to grab her hand, the one that wasn't in the cast. She watched him as he moved, it was like slow motion and her eyes were on him the entire time. He waiting for rejection, for her to jerk away but she never did. She allowed him to take her hand in both of his and he leaned forward to kiss her knuckles.

Olivia's eyes closed at his touch and a tear escaped her. She took a deep breath but squeezed his hand in return.

She tried to calm herself, wiping the tear from her face and opening her eyes.

" _He's still alive._ " Fin whispered to her.

" _I don't know how…_ " she whispered back.

" _You did one hell of a job on him… when he had broken free of his cuffs…_ " Fin eyed her. She heard the underlining question. She knew that he knew. They knew each other too well.

" _Yes, I did._ " She answered, half responding to his statement and half responding to the question he was asking her with his mind… whether or not she'd beat William Lewis while restrained.

He gave her a small smile. He was proud of her.

Their hands remained touching.

" _I'll finish him off or have someone do it… just say the word… or hell, I might not even let you decide…_ " He whispered quietly as he looked away from her and to the window like they were having a casual conversation. He was dead serious.

" _Don't bother…_ " she replied. " _I want him to rot in jail…_ " Olivia was strong, she had been broken and she still was, it would take time for her to heal from this but boy was she strong.

Fin nodded his head, silently agreeing to not have the man harmed.

He licked his lips in anticipation of his next question. The one he had in his mind that he needed to ask her but didn't quite know how. So, he asked it the only roundabout way that he knew.

" _You done a rape kit?_ " he asked and their eyes connected. He was holding his breath, he couldn't breathe. He was afraid, afraid of her answer.

" _Not yet. The nurse is supposed to be coming back to start it any time now…_ " It was now Olivia's turn to tilt her head and give him a weary smile. " _He didn't…_ " She eyed him, making direct eye contact so he'd know she wasn't lying. Fin released the breath he'd been holding, took a deep breath, then laid his head on top of his arm that rested on her bed. Olivia gave his and another squeeze.

He swallowed hard before raising his head again.

" _He broke me in a lot of ways…_ " She continued. " _But that wasn't one of them. He wanted to save it for last but I broke free right as he began to unbutton his pants…_ "

Fin pressed his lips together and nodded, confirming he'd heard her because he couldn't seem to find his voice at the moment.

After a few beats of silence, he was okay again.

" _Cragen says he's gonna come as soon as he gets things with Lewis tied down at the other hospital._ " He told her.

She gave him a weak smile in acknowledgement.

" _How's my woman?_ " Olivia asked, opting not to say Amanda's name.

" _She's not gambling, she's still straight._ " He promised her.

" _Good,_ " was Olivia's quiet reply.

" _Took you long enough to ask about her…_ " He stated, and there was no reply from Olivia. She looked away, trying to focus on something on the other side of the room for a distraction.

" _She's here, Liv._ " Olivia's head whipped back to him. " _Did you really expect her not to come?_ _She's in the waiting room._ " He told her and Olivia's eyes were wide.

" _No,_ " she stated in slight panic. " _Don't you dare let her in here, Fin. She can't see me like this. I… I don't want her here._ "

This was going to be hard for Olivia. She was shutting down, she didn't mean to, but she was. She'd been a victim before, but never like this. And before, all she had had was Elliot. A man that was never really hers to begin with. She didn't have someone who was used to having sex with her, who had loved and worshiped her body, someone who had gotten off on how voluptuous and full her breasts were. The same breasts that were now branded with and "L", cigarette burns, and shapes of her house keys.

" _My body, Fin,_ " she stated. " _It's bad…_ "

" _Liv, she's not going to care._ " He promised her. But it wasn't just about her body. It was about her appearance, her state of mind. She was broken, completely and utterly broken even though she hadn't been raped. She had been sexually assaulted.

" _I'm not ready to see her… I can't. Just not yet._ " She told him.

" _Liv,_ " he started again, " _That girl, she's falling in love with you… slowly but surely, she's falling for you. I can see it in the way she talks about you, the way her face lights up when I know she's thinking about you…_ " he said, giving her a small smile and squeezing her hand. Olivia swallowed hard and chose to ignore him. She didn't want to think about love. She didn't even like the word.

" _I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex again, Fin._ " She told him honestly.

" _Nah, badass Benson loves to fuck. I remember being your wing man years ago when we went out to bars to get lucky…_ " she laughed a little and he smiled at the memory. " _You ain't gonna let him take that from you, I know you won't. You'll get there… and even if you don't, blondie won't care. She wants you, not just what's in between your legs…_ " he stated honestly.

Olivia wasn't letting up though.

" _I can't see her today… I'll try again tomorrow. I'll be here for a couple of days anyways._ " She told him. " _I just… I need time._ "

" _Aight. She's been staying with me, I'll let her stay a few more nights or for however many she needs to._ " He promised her.

" _Thanks for watching her, for making sure she didn't slip._ " She told him, Olivia truly was grateful that Fin watched over her girlfriend.

" _She knows I'm in the loop…_ " Fin told her. Olivia bit her lip in worry.

" _How did that go?_ " she questioned with curiosity.

" _I had to tell her… we went to your apartment to bring you food and coffee. We had no idea you'd already been with Lewis for a day and a half… opened your apartment and it was wrecked. She lost it._ " He told Olivia and she nodded in understanding.

" _She's not mad. I think she actually understands. Either way, she's been worried as hell about you. She was terrified you were being raped…_ " Fin confessed.

" _Do me a favor and tell her I wasn't?_ " Olivia asked.

" _Of course,_ " He replied.

Silence engulfed them once more. He was happy to find out she hadn't been raped. Over the fucking moon. Even if she had, he would have been there for her. Now, he was worried about her recovery. She hated taking sick days but she was on mandatory leave. She'd be out for two months at least. He didn't know how she'd handle that.

" _Fin?_ " Olivia called to him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

" _Yeah, baby girl?_ " he answered her.

" _I need you to do one more thing for me…_ " she stated, looking out the window, choosing not to focus on him.

" _Anything you need…_ " he replied, studying her face.

She swallowed hard and chewed on her bottom lip before answering.

" _The rape kit… I don't want to be alone during it… I can't… it's going to be brutal even though I wasn't raped… I know I have to do it but…_ " she didn't finish her sentence.

" _I'll be here…_ " he promised her.

She looked at him now, they finally made eye contact.

" _It's not too much?_ " she asked hesitantly.

" _No, I'm here for whatever you need._ " He swore to her, squeezing her hand. " _I'll be beside you the entire time._ "

Olivia just smiled and nodded because her eyes had begun to water again and she didn't trust her voice.

Once she regained her composure, she told him she'd be giving her statement the next morning. Usually, they'd get it as soon as possible but she wasn't allowed to give her statement until the vodka and pills had been out of her system for a total of twenty-four hours.

She wasn't anywhere close to okay right now, but she had survived and that was better than nothing.


	3. Aftermath II

**Trigger warning for the rape kit.**

Fin sat with her for over two hours while she endured the rape kit. Pictures were taken of her body. They inspected her body with a fine-tooth comb, took swabs from between her legs, inspected her vaginal cavity. It was traumatizing for Oliva and she had squeezed Fin's hand hard.

She'd looked to Fin, and of course, his eyes had stayed on her face out of respect for her.

" _Talk to me, Fin…_ " she'd begged him. " _About anything… get my mind somewhere else._ "

He thought for a moment.

" _Ken is thinkin' bout adopting or tryin' to have a baby through a surrogate with Alejandro…_ " he told her calmly. Olivia's left hand gripped the rail on the hospital bed while her right hand remained in the tight grip of Odafin Tutuola.

This got her attention, she raised her eyebrows in surprise.

" _Yeah?_ " she stated, a small smile on her face even though there was a nurse under the covers, between her legs rooting around to look for evidence.

" _Yeah…_ " he told her, pressing his lips together in a thin line.

" _You're gonna be a grandpa…_ " she teased, then closed her eyes tightly and leaned her head back against the bed as the nurse hit a soft spot.

" _Nah, fuck that…_ " he stated, clearly displeased at the term. " _We're gonna find another name to call me…_ "

She tried to laugh at his reaction but it turned into a cry.

" _I hate this, Fin…_ " She whispered.

" _It's almost over, you're doin' great…_ " he coaxed her. He hated her seeing her like this, she was being traumatized all over again.

After the rape kit was finally done, she felt like she could breathe again. Olivia Benson hated hospitals. She hated the smell and the sound of ambulances in the distance. More than anything, she hated being the victim.

Cragen had knocked on her door shortly after the examination was finished. If Fin had to guess, he'd say their captain had arrived earlier but had waited out the exam.

Olivia thanked Fin as he exited to give the two of them privacy. He headed back to the waiting room where Amanda had been waiting for the past few hours. Nick had gone back to the precinct to work. Someone at least needed to be doing some detective work on their other cases.

Fin gazed at Amanda as he entered the waiting room. She seemed to be deeply engulfed in whatever game she was playing on her phone. Her eyes were big and her phone was turned sideways and closer to her face than it probably should be. There was an empty drink container on the side table beside her and what looked like a crumbled up bag of Doritos chips.

He walked closer to her. When she glanced up and saw it was him, she stood immediately.

" _How is she?_ " Amanda questioned, clicking the button on her phone to turn the screen off and shoving it in her pocket to give Fin her full attention.

" _First thing's first,_ " he told her calmly, " _She wasn't raped._ "

Amanda closed her eyes and took a deep breath as relief filled her body.

She nodded her head, not being able to form words at the moment.

" _She had a rape kit done anyways, you know protocol._ " Fin explained. It would be more suspicious if Olivia had refused the rape kit. They needed to collect all the evidence possible against William Lewis. It had been tough, but Olivia knew it was necessary.

" _Can I go see her now?_ " Amanda asked, finding her voice.

Fin had a sympathetic look on his face. " _Cragen's in there right now…_ "

" _Oh, alright._ " Amanda replied.

" _But,_ " Fin continued, " _she's not ready to see you._ "

The blonde swallowed hard.

" _Give her some time, she's just been traumatized. Her body has sustained a heavy ordeal… Let her find her bearings, let her get herself together._ " He told her softly. " _She said she'd try to see you tomorrow… you're important to her, you know that._ "

Amanda nodded her head in confirmation but didn't speak.

" _She'll be here for a couple of days. IAB will get her statement tomorrow morning… she's gonna be fine._ " Fin promised her.

" _Okay,_ " Amanda whispered. She was slightly in shock that Olivia wouldn't see her. If their places had been reversed, Amanda knew the brunette would be the first one she asked for. But then again, the blonde knew she was a lot weaker than her girlfriend.

Amanda didn't have Olivia's strength or bravery. That's why she needed her so badly.

" _Come on, we're gonna pick up a pizza and head to my place._ " Fin told her, stooping down to grab her trash and throw it in the nearby garbage can. Then he hooked one arm around her shoulders and lead her out of the ER door.

…

Cragen had been able to mask his emotion from Olivia as he entered her hospital room.

She'd been given a dose of pain meds as the nurse had left with the evidence from the rape kit, so Olivia was more calm now and slightly dopey.

" _How you holding up?_ " he asked her when he entered, choosing to stand at the foot of her bed.

She gave him a lopsided smile. " _Good._ " He chuckled at her loopy state.

" _That's good, Liv._ " He answered.

Her eye lids were heavy but she was awake for the most part.

" _Oh yeah…_ " she said, seeming to remember something that she was supposed to tell him. " _Wasn't raped…_ " and she gave him a small smile like she was a proud little kid. Yeah, she was definitely on pain meds.

He let out a shaky breath and nodded in acceptance of her answer. He was relieved beyond belief. It would have killed him to see her end up like her mother in that aspect but he wasn't going to let his emotions falter in front of her, not right now.

" _You went through my apartment…_ " she said lightly.

He nodded his head in confirmation, wondering where she was taking this conversation.

" _So you saw the pictures… the lovey-dovey, gushy notes…_ " she said in her morphine induced state.

Cragen smiled weakly at her. " _I have no idea what you're talking about._ " And all the sudden she was very sober, her breath hitched, and she pressed her lips tightly together as she realized what her captain was doing.

" _There'll be in evidence, it'll be… presented at the trial…_ " she stated more lucidly than her speech had been previously.

" _No,_ " he shook his head. " _No photos or notes of that kind made it into evidence. I would know,_ " he stated, eyeing her. " _I personally logged some of the evidence myself and went over the rest of it…_ "

" _Captain…_ " she stated in a whisper, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against her pillow. He'd gotten rid of evidence for her. He had committed a felony for her. Not only that, but he was choosing to not know about the relationship between his two detectives, he was choosing to let them stay in the same unit. They weren't even partners after all, maybe it didn't matter as much as she had thought.

" _I don't want to hear anymore. I will admit I was surprised…_ " he told her honestly. " _But I love you, Olivia. I always have and I always will, no matter if you date men or women… you know that, right?_ " he questioned her. They hadn't had such a deep conversation like this in a while. She knew they saw each other as family.

Olivia was happy she was being pumped full of pain meds right now otherwise she might have cried.

" _Love you too…_ " she whispered.

He smiled lovingly in response.

" _Alright, so you'll be here two, three days tops._ " He stated and she nodded her head having already known this but let him say it anyways. " _They want to take your statement in the morning. You know the drill, it'll be Tucker and some IAB or 1PP agent, depending on what their plans are._ " Olivia swallowed but nodded again.

" _Nick's coming back to stay the night with you…_ " he told her.

" _He doesn't gotta do that, Cap…_ " she stated as the morphine had clearly kicked in once more.

Cragen smiled. " _Someone will be with you around the clock._ " He promised her, ignoring her protests.

" _Kay…_ " Olivia relented, she felt her eyes starting to close.

" _Cap,_ " she whispered as she heard him get comfortable in a chair beside her, probably awaiting Nick's arrival. " _How's Lewis?_ " she whispered as her eyes finally shut.

" _You fucked him up good…_ " he responded.

Olivia didn't respond as she drifted off and if she hadn't been on the meds, she would have been surprised at hearing her captain curse for the first time in a long while…


	4. Aftermath III

Nick had stayed the night but barely got any sleep in the chair beside her bed. The gears in his mind were turning. He was worried about his partner. Nick had already been told by Fin that she hadn't been raped but she was still severely sexually assaulted. It scared him. He had a million things on his mind. Nick had leaned back in the chair, crossed his ankles, and propped his feet up beside Olivia on top of her bed after she'd drifted off for the second time that night. She'd woken up briefly when Cragen had left. It hadn't been for long.

Now, it was probably early in the morning and Nick still couldn't manage sleep.

" _What are you thinking about?_ " she asked silently as she tapped one of his feet that were beside her to get his attention, drawing him out of his thoughts.

He raised his eyebrows and his eyes drifted to his watch.

" _Liv, it's just past four am. Go back to sleep…_ " He told her, giving her a light smile. She wasn't doped up on pain meds like she had been earlier. The nurses probably lowered her dosage after she had drifted off.

" _I'd rather talk to you right now if that's alright?_ " She asked. He could tell she was fully awake. Olivia had been asleep for several hours now. Maybe her body did want to wake up for a bit.

" _Of course,_ " he told her and she smiled at him. " _What do you wanna talk about?_ " Nick asked her.

" _What were you thinking about?_ " Olivia tried again.

Nick shook his head. " _Nothing, nothing…_ " he replied, dodging her eyes and looking around the room instead.

" _Nick,_ " She called to him. He finally met her eyes and she continued, " _What is it? Talk to me…_ " she asked him.

" _Really, it's not important and it's none of my business…_ " he told her silently.

"… _I wasn't raped if that's-_ " she started, clearly misreading what he was thinking.

" _No, I know that, Liv… It's alright, Fin told me._ " He stated slightly panicked. He knew she probably wouldn't want to discuss Lewis and he hated her mind had automatically went there.

" _Then what?_ " she questioned, pushing herself up with her good arm so she could sit straighter and face him better.

Nick was silent. He was wondering if he should say anything but deep down he knew he shouldn't. This was Olivia and it was her life. He had no right to talk to her about it but he cared about her. So, he decided he would talk to her anyways.

"… _you… and Amanda…_ " he finally stated. Olivia held her gaze with him. She didn't look panicked or surprised because she wasn't. If Cragen knew, she had figured Nick did. She just hadn't been sure how he'd approach the subject or if he'd even mention it at all.

Olivia gulped out of the slight nervousness she felt.

Her face was soft and so were her words.

" _Is this where you give me the religious catholic pep talk about how I'm going to hell for bedding another woman?_ " She was half serious and half joking. Honestly, she didn't know what to expect from Nick. Olivia knew he was religious just as Elliot had been. Only difference was, she was almost certain Elliot wouldn't have backed her play. He probably wouldn't have been rude about it, but she figured his heart would have still felt it was wrong.

" _No. God no!_ " he said quickly and a small smile appeared on her face. She was relieved. " _If she makes you happy and vice versa, then yeah, go for it. I'll support you, you have to know that, Liv._ " He told her honestly.

Apparently, this conversation was making Nick slightly uncomfortable because he removed his feet from her bedside and sat up straight.

" _Then what is it?_ " She asked, letting her head roll to the side on the pillow.

" _I'm your partner…_ " he stated. " _I thought you trusted me…_ " he told her. Olivia could see sadness in his face.

" _I do trust you, Nick…_ " she promised him.

" _Then why didn't you tell me? Fin knew, I can tell. He wasn't the slightest bit surprised…_ "

" _I told Fin when I was having a panic attack…_ " she confided in him, laughing at herself and the memory. " _I just blurted it out. He wasn't supposed to know. Amanda and I… we had agreed to keep it between us until we could figure out exactly what it was…_ " Olivia told him honestly.

He thought carefully before his next statement.

" _And what is it?_ " Nick simply asked, looking to Olivia. He was calm. She could tell he wasn't mad but his eyes showed concern for her.

" _We're dating… she's my girlfriend, someone special in my life…_ " Olivia answered him. " _That's as far as we've gotten for right now._ " She huffed at her own frustration. Things had been going good between her and Amanda. Now, Lewis had fucked everything up.

" _I'm sorry…_ " she offered to nick, pressing her lips into a thin line.

" _No, don't do that._ " He told her. " _Don't apologize for keeping your personal life personal._ "

Silence engulfed them. Olivia was ready to leave the hospital. She truly was. The sounds, the smells, the atmosphere… she hated it all.

Nick took a deep breath. " _I was waiting until it was set in stone before I said anything but now that this… situation… has happened…_ " He stated, playing with the wedding ring on his finger. " _Tomorrow, this ring comes off…_ "

Olivia lifted her head to get a better look at him.

" _What?!_ " She questioned Nick quickly.

" _Maria left me…_ " he told her while staring at his hand. " _She took a job in D.C. and is taking Zara with her. They leave tomorrow. She told me she wants a divorce._ " He confided in her.

" _Nick…_ " she said lovingly. " _I'm so, so sorry._ "

He smiled a sad smile. " _We're starting out with a separation… I'm not giving her a divorce without fighting for her and really trying to save our marriage…_ " He stated. He needed to change the topic soon or else he was going to get emotional.

" _So anyways… if Amanda makes you happy,_ " He told her. " _I'll back you up… you should be with someone that you love and makes you happy…_ " she gave him a small smile as she leaned back against her pillow.

There was that "L" word again. People seem to keep throwing it between her and Amanda.

Olivia was starting to feel uncomfortable. Her wrist was beginning to really hurt so she mashed the call button to call in the nurse. She asked for some more pain meds. They gave them to her and she was out of it again. To be honest, this was the best sleep she'd ever gotten. Even before Lewis happened she wasn't exactly sleeping well.

When Olivia woke up the next time, it was around 7 am and she had demanded to go home. She felt better and she wanted to leave. Soon.

Amanda had been fully prepared to go back to the hospital but much to her surprise, Olivia had been released bright and early, nearly two days ahead of time. Olivia had done some serious sweet talking with her doctor.

She'd begged and begged to be released. Her arm had been fixed and put in a cast already, her wounds were treated, now they purely wanted her to stay for observation due to her concussion. Olivia had persuaded the doctor to let someone else watch her for a few days so she didn't take up a hospital room that the hospital desperately needed.

Nick of course disagreed with her early release but there was not much he could do about it.

He'd driven Olivia to the one-six that morning because she had to give her statement to Tucker and the agent. If she would have stayed at the hospital, they would have come to her but she had declined. Tucker was more understanding than usual. He was nicer and wasn't so harsh with her like he normally would be. It was like he actually felt sorry for her.

Olivia sat in an interview room with him, another IAB worker which was a lady who was in charge of taking notes and recording her statement through video and audio, her captain, and her union rep. She didn't need representation but Cragen hadn't taken no for an answer, wanting to cover all the bases.

" _I was able to break free of my restraints. There was a struggle…_ " She'd told them. " _I uh… I managed to incapacitate the suspect and get the gun…_ " Olivia stated. " _I got the handcuff key from his pocket. I freed myself and called for backup…_ "

" _And then before help arrived, the suspect tried to escape?_ " the IAB woman asked.

" _He managed to get to a standing position and lunged at me…_ " She recited as she had been practicing in her head for over a day now. " _I used the metal bar from the bed frame to subdue him…_ "

" _Rather than to shoot him at point blank range?_ " The lady asked.

Olivia nodded her head yes. " _I made a judgement call…_ " She told the woman.

" _Alright, thank you Detective Benson._ " The woman told her. " _I'll forward you her statement, the case file, the rape kit, and forensics._ " She stated as she turned, talking to Captain Cragen. " _I'll be in touch._ "

Tucker had stood back and let his co-worker talk. After she finished, he'd given Olivia and Cragen a nod goodbye and both IAB workers exited the room.

Olivia followed Cragen into his office through the adjoining door so she didn't have to walk through the squad room.

Her arm was in a sling, her forehead still had dissolvable stitches, she still had a black eye even though the swelling had gone down significantly, and her lip was still split open. She looked like a train wreck if she was being honest.

" _As far as the department is concerned, you're a hero. They'll want a press tour. You are officially on mandatory leave._ " Cragen told her.

Olivia pressed her lips together in thought. It was a normal habit that she had but she needed to break out of it for now. With her lip split, it hurt. It's wasn't the best habit to have anyways.

"… _How's the lawyer's mother?_ " Olivia asked lightly.

" _She's doing better. She'll be released from the hospital tonight…_ " He looked at Olivia with sympathy. Cragen knew she'd been forced to watch what was done to the woman.

Olivia nodded her head. " _Good, good…_ " she stated but it was only a routine answer. Olivia knew that woman wouldn't be okay for a long time.

She swallowed hard as she had another thought come to her.

" _Where am I going to go?_ " Olivia wondered out loud more to herself than talking to Cragen. " _My… My apartment is a crime scene._ " Her gaze traveled around his office in thought.

" _The department will put you up in a hotel…_ " he told her silently. " _It'll be nice, they're calling you a hero. It's on the NYPD's dime so, take advantage of it… Order room service, rent movies on the television… the works._ " Cragen gave her a small smile.

" _Or…_ " he stated more softly. " _You could stay with a fellow detective… You've been through a lot and should be around a familiar face. I'm positive the department wouldn't give two thoughts to it…_ " he told her. It was uncharacteristic to hear him refer to Amanda like that. Olivia knew Cragen was choosing to ignore it job wise, but his support meant the world to her.

" _I'll take the hotel room…_ " she whispered silently.

He nodded his head, accepting her answer.

" _Give me a few minutes to make the phone call and I'll let you know what hotel they'll be getting you_ ," he said as he sat down at his desk and picked up the phone.

Olivia walked over to his window, gazing out into the squad room. She saw Fin, Nick, Munch, and Amanda gazing back at her.

Much hadn't visited her at the hospital and she was okay with that. They had a silent understanding. He'd visit her eventually and he'd use humor to get past the pain and angst he felt as he was dealing with her attack.

She wasn't the only victim here. Her squad were co-victims and so was her captain. What had happened to her had affected them too.

This wasn't the first time she'd been a victim in the bullpen. After Sealview, it'd been hard to walk back through the squad room but this time, it was much harder because there were eyes on her. Everyone had known about her assault now, unlike Sealview. Everyone was staring because she was famous. Her picture had been on the news for four days.

Everyone aside from her squad probably thought that she'd been raped. She was getting tired of everyone feeling sorry for her. She could see it in their faces.

Olivia gave her squad a sad smile before reaching up with her good arm and closing the blinds to Cragen's office.

The Captain finally ended his phone call, telling her that they were putting her up at The Lexington Hotel. Wow, they were really treating her. That was a nice hotel indeed.

Cragen opened his office door, calling Fin in per Olivia's request. She didn't care to have some rookie in uniform escort her and since Cragen wasn't taking no for an answer, she had requested Fin.

Olivia and Fin walked through Cragen's side door, into the interview room, out of the interview room door that led into the hallway, and down the back hall to the back exit. She didn't want to see the press or Amanda at the moment.

" _You gotta talk to her…_ " He'd whispered to her as they walked.

" _I know…_ " She told him truthfully. " _Tell her to come by my hotel room later on this afternoon…_ " Olivia said, looking to Fin as he nodded in confirmation and holding the door open for her.


	5. Reunited

Olivia's hotel room was nice. It was on the thirteenth floor and consisted of a rather large bedroom, closet, large bathroom, and a small area in the corner of the room that had a mini fridge, a counter space. The bed was a queen size and there was a dresser with a flat screen TV in front of it. A couch was against a side wall. It was one of the nicest hotel rooms she'd ever been in. This room was probably the room you'd get before upgrading to a suit. She was honestly surprised.

" _Damn,_ " Fin commented, following her through the door. " _NYPD really hooked you up…_ " he said, gazing around the room.

" _Yeah…_ " she commented. " _It's nicer than my apartment… in fact, I think my whole apartment would fit in here…_ " she joked.

Olivia took her shoes off at the door and paced the room, checking everything out. It was very nice, even the carpet felt expensive.

Fin walked over to Olivia's bed and sat her bag of clothes down. It was only a couple of shirts, one pair of sweat pants, one pair of pajama bottoms, and some underwear he'd grabbed for her after getting permission to enter her apartment from their captain. He'd actually been worried about the underwear part. Amanda wasn't able to go back into Olivia's apartment and Fin would have never asked her to, so it was up to him to get Olivia some clothes. He'd also grabbed some socks, tennis shoes, and slippers for her.

He'd opened her panties drawer slowly with one eye open and one eye shut, afraid of what he might find. It was a bit awkward for him, so he just shoved his hand in the drawer, grabbing a handful of random panties and stuffed them in the bag without really looking to see what he'd grabbed.

Olivia walked to the side table to put her glasses down then walked to the bed, leaning over and grabbing the bag from him very slowly with her good arm, her cracked ribs ached but she didn't let it show.

" _I think I'm gonna take a shower…_ " she told him silently.

Truthfully, she'd already taken one at the hospital with the help of a nurse, but now she just wanted to stand under the hot spray and wash away Lewis. She knew there was nothing of him left on her. Olivia was very aware that yearning for constant showers was a result of being a fresh sexual assault victim.

She sorted through the bag as Fin's eye got big, he'd spotted the huge flat screen mounted on the wall above the dresser.

Now he was walking around the room in frantic search of the remote.

" _Fin, what the fuck?_ " she asked, cocking one eyebrow up in question.

" _Huh?_ " he questioned, taking his eyes away from his search and looked to her. Olivia was dangling a lacy thong on her pointer finger, giving him a very curious look.

He immediately put both hands up in defense. " _I swear I didn't pick it out… I just grabbed a handful from the drawer and stuffed them in the bag…_ " He said very quickly.

" _You know good and well this wouldn't fit my ass, Fin._ " She teased him. It was good to lighten the mood. It made her feel better.

His face showed surprise and his eyebrows skyrocketed. " _You're saying those are Amanda's?_ " He questioned. She didn't get a chance to answer him though. " _Nope, nope. I didn't hear that. I did not hear that…_." Fin said quickly, placing his left hand on his hip and his right hand over his eyes. He was shaking his head from side to side like he was trying to get the image of his partner wearing a thong out of his head. " _Put it away…_ " he firmly stated.

Olivia laughed out loud. It was a real, genuine laugh. He smiled even though he was still covering his eye. Her laugh was contagious, it always was. Fin couldn't deny that it was good to hear her make that sound again.

" _It's packed away, I promise…_ " She giggled and he removed his hand.

Olivia picked up the t-shirt, sweat pants, and a decent pair of underwear that were actually hers and headed to the bathroom. There was no bra and there wouldn't be for a few days at least, not with her cracked ribs and bruises. She stopped at the door and turned to Fin.

" _Um… you don't have to stay if you don't want to…_ " she hesitantly told him.

" _Nah, baby girl, I'm good._ " He promised her, making himself comfortable on her couch. " _I'm about to check out this plasma…_ " he said, turning it on with the remote he'd found.

Olivia nodded her head and headed into the bathroom. Fin could tell she didn't want him to leave just yet but out of pride, she probably wouldn't ask him to say either.

Her shower was longer than it normally would have been. Partially because she had to tape a plastic bag over her casted arm with nursing tape that she'd been given at the hospital, but also because the hot water felt good and it made her feel cleaner somehow.

After she was done, Olivia towel dried her hair and dressed in the bathroom.

When she emerged, Fin had relocated to the right side of her bed, he was sitting up on top of the covers watching some comedian on comedy central.

Olivia grabbed her bag of clothes from the bed and moved them to the floor in front of it.

" _Amanda said she was on her way,_ " Fin calmly told her as she gently lifted herself onto the left side of the bed.

" _Alright,_ " Olivia answered silently. This was going to be hard on both of them. " _When she gets here, don't leave, okay?_ " She asked him.

" _Sure._ " He answered. " _But eventually y'all are gonna have to talk, Liv. Like, really talk._ " He explained to her.

" _I know… but I plan on asking her to stay here with me. I'd like you to drive her back to your place to get her things…. If that's alright? It's near dark now… I don't want her walking the streets alone… not right now._ " She confided in him.

Fin smiled. It was good that Olivia was taking that big step.

" _Of course I'll drive her._ " He said, handing her a laminated piece of paper.

Olivia gave him a questioning look but took it.

" _Order yourself room service. You gotta eat._ " He told her, giving her the side eye look.

" _I'm not hungry…_ " she stated honestly.

" _They got chocolate chip pancakes…_ " he stated, giving his full attention to the TV. " _And it says they serve breakfast 24/7…_ " he baited her.

Hmm… that was very tempting. She reached over, grabbing her glasses from the night stand and sliding them on to get a better look at the menu. Fin smiled, he knew that would get her.

After going over it a few times, she put the menu down and relaxed her back into the pillows.

" _Don't make me force feed you…_ " he threatened her with a light tone.

" _I'm not…I'm just going to wait until you and Amanda leave to order. That way I can order for her too and it'll be here by the time she gets back… I mean… that is if she wants to stay with me…_ " Now Olivia was second guessing her choice. She was worried. She'd shut Amanda out but what if it had been too much? What if Amanda had taken it as rejection?

Olivia was biting her bottom lip while she was deep in thought.

" _Hey,_ " Fin called out to her, after looking to his left and seeing a very worried Olivia Benson. " _Your girlfriend's been dying to see you… she's gonna want to stay here._ " He told her. " _She aint gonna want to leave your side…_ " he promised.

Olivia gave him a thin smile and as if on cue, there was a knock on the door.

Fin smiled, " _Bet that's for you…_ " he told her.

Olivia's heart started racing. She hadn't expected to feel so nervous. Olivia slid off the bed, taking her glasses off again and putting them on the night stand.

She walked to the door.

Closing her eyes briefly and taking a deep breath, she looked through the peep hole to confirm it was the blonde. When she saw a very nervous Amanda standing on the other side of the door, she reached for the handle and pulled it open slowly.

Amanda's eyes were wide, her palms were sweaty. She swallowed hard and her eyes had instantly watered upon seeing her girlfriend finally.

Olivia opened the door wider, encouraging Amanda to come inside, then Olivia shut the door behind her but Amanda's eyes still hadn't left the brunette.

" _Hi,_ " Amanda tried to say but it came out more strangled and chocked than she wanted it to.

Olivia turned around from shutting the door and looked to Amanda, who instantly burst into tears.

" _Baby…_ " the brunette whispered silently as her arms engulfed Amanda tightly, pulling the younger woman to her chest. Olivia was careful of her cast but still managed to wrap that arm around Amanda as well.

Fin stayed put. He knew he needed to let the two women do their thing.

Amanda slipped her arms gently around Olivia's torso, being gentle so she didn't hurt her further more than the already cracked ribs and bruises.

Olivia let her good hand grasp and caress the back of Amanda's head and the younger woman buried her face into Olivia's neck.

" _I'm okay, Amanda_ " She promised her. " _I'm alright, and I'm going to be just fine_." The truth was, Olivia didn't know if she would ever be fine again, but now was not the time to tell that to Amanda. The blonde needed to get this crying out of her system, it was something that Olivia figured the blonde had been holding in for five or so days now.

Olivia knew she, herself would be the one breaking down soon, especially if she was going to try to tell Amanda what had happened to her. The brunette still wasn't sure if she would. It would be difficult and Olivia liked being the strong one in the relationship, but she figured she was supposed to lean on Amanda sometimes. This ordeal was probably going to have to be one of those times. For now though, for the initial shock of it all, she was okay with being Amanda's rock. The tables would be turned quickly enough…

Olivia kissed the side of Amanda's head as she continued to hold her.

Amanda pulled back from the embrace to make eye contact with Olivia.

" _I was so scared…_ " She trembled as tears continued to make their way down her face. " _Olivia… I… I…_ " but she couldn't finish her sentence so Olivia pulled Amanda back to her chest, while continuously whispering things in the young woman's ear to calm her down.

Olivia had seen the look in Amanda's face, the look in those blue eyes. She hated it. Olivia's own eyes started to water. William Lewis did this to them, he'd corrupted them and her whole squad.

" _It's going to be okay…_ " Olivia promised Amanda. The older woman pulled back, making Amanda look at her once more. She seemed to have calmed down some. " _I needed time… You get that, right?_ " Olivia whispered hesitantly. " _I needed space to digest things, to breathe…_ "

" _I know…_ " Amanda whispered as she wiped tears from her face.

Olivia grabbed Amanda's face in her hands. She leaned forward, touching their foreheads and she closed her eyes, the blonde closed hers as well, relieved to feel Olivia's touch.

" _I need you, Amanda,_ " Olivia whispered to her. " _I'm going to need you in order to survive this…_ " It was true. " _I wouldn't be me without you._ " The older woman stated. It was a simple phrase and it warmed Amanda's heart.

Olivia leaned in for a kiss. She'd be damned if she let William Lewis take away this. Yes, Olivia would have PTSD. Yeah, it'd be a bitch and she'd hate therapy with a passion, but she would conquer this.

Amanda returned the kiss of course. It was simple and sweet.

Fin was trying to keep his eyes on the TV but they kept drifting to where the two women were standing by the door. His heart swelled knowing they cared for each other so much. They were like two puzzle pieces that fit together so well.

Olivia finally pulled back.

" _Alright,_ " She started. " _I'd like you to stay here with me, at the hotel… is that okay? Is that something you'd be up for?_ " Olivia asked softly.

" _Yeah,_ " Amanda answered calmly.

Olivia gave her a small smile. " _Alright, I've asked Fin to take you to get some things and I'm going to make him stop back by my apartment after he clears it with Cragen, and get me some more clothes…_ " She cast Fin a side glance, silently reminding him of the thong and he huffed, rolling his eyes.

Fin got up from the bed as Olivia walked to the night stand to get her glasses on, and a pen and pad to write down what she needed from her apartment and where it was.

" _Here,_ " Fin told Amanda, handing her the keys. " _Can you bring the car around from the parking garage while I wait on this woman to write her list for me…._ " Olivia looked up from writing, casting him a glance with both eyebrows raised but he flashed her a smile to know he was just playing. She smiled in return and went back to writing.

" _Yeah, sure thing…_ " Amanda said, heading out the door.

Fin walked over to where Olivia was seated on the bed writing.

" _She slipped, Fin…_ " Olivia said quietly after Amanda had been gone for a few seconds. She continued writing.

" _What?_ " He questioned her in a confused voice.

" _She slipped… she gambled._ " Olivia stated again.

" _No… Every time she left to go get food or groceries, I followed her._ " Fin disagreed.

" _Was she on her phone a lot?_ " Olivia asked, looking up from writing to face him.

" _Well yeah but she was playing those stupid app games to get her mind off of what was happening to you…_." He replied.

" _You know, they make gambling apps too?_ " She stated, it wasn't really a question. Olivia knew he probably had no idea.

Fin was silent. He pressed his lips together in a thin line and Olivia knew what he was thinking.

" _It's not your fault…_ " She said lightly. " _If she was going to gamble, then she was going to gamble. It's no one's fault. Who can even blame her after what just happened?_ " Olivia told him as she pushed her glasses back on her face and looked back down to her pad and began writing again.

" _How do you know she slipped?_ " He asked quietly.

Olivia sighed. " _She has a tell. I can see it in her face._ " She replied.

He swallowed. " _You don't sound surprised or mad…._ " He stated.

" _I'm not…_ " She told him truthfully, finishing the list and tearing it off the pad. " _You could have given her all the support in the world, Fin… She thought I was being tortured for four days, that I was being raped repeatedly, burned, cut, violated…_ " Olivia trailed off, taking her glasses off and tossing them on the bed as she stood up.

" _And she wasn't completely wrong… Just about anyone would have relapsed after that…_ " Olivia stated. " _She's strong and I'm here now… she'll bounce back._ " She promised Fin.

" _You'll bounce back too…_ " Fin told her, cocking his head trying to catch her eye but she wasn't having any of it. Olivia ignored him and continued to play with the paper in her hands.

" _Plus, focusing on her problems is going to make it a lot easier to get my mind off of my own…_ " Olivia told him as she walked over to him, handing him the list.

" _I tried to have her back…_ " He told her honestly, sounding defeated.

" _You did have her back… she didn't self-destruct, she didn't go do anything life threatening or illegal. Amanda spent some money she shouldn't have… it'll be fine. I'll get her to meetings._ " Olivia told him, she'd made it sound like it wasn't a big deal but she knew it was, especially for a person with a gambling addiction. Maybe this was her way of trying to trick herself into thinking everything would be okay.

" _Alright,_ " he huffed, taking the paper from her.

" _Don't mention the gambling to her… let me do it…_ "

He nodded his head in agreement. Fin walked towards the door. Just as he was opening it, Olivia called out to him.

" _Hey Fin,_ " she called.

He turned around to see what she needed.

" _No thongs, okay?_ "

He shook his head and didn't bother replying as he exited her room.

She smiled.


	6. The First Discussion

After Fin and Amanda had left, Olivia walked into the bathroom to gather her clothing. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, something that she had been trying to avoid. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the woman staring back at her, a woman she didn't recognize.

Before she realized what was happening, she had a flashback. Olivia saw herself looking in the mirror at the beach house. This was stronger than any flashback she'd ever had about Sealview.

Olivia could feel Lewis' hands on her… she could smell him. Her ribs ached and her wrist hurt as she reached out to brace herself on the counter top.

She was already a trained SVU detective, so she knew the steps to take. Deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground, find a spot in front of you and try to focus on it while telling yourself what you're seeing isn't real.

After a few moments, she came back to reality but she was out of breath and sweating. She needed to do something… change something.

Olivia began shifting through the drawers in the bathroom, finally finding what she was looking for.

Grabbing the scissors, she began chopping off her hair piece by piece. Tears made their way down her face after every cut.

After she'd finished, she felt lighter. She couldn't explain why.

Sure, her hair was a bit uneven, but she felt better.

Olivia slowly walked to her bed, putting her legs under the covers, sitting Indian style and propping her back up against the head board. She grabbed a pillow from the side where Fin had been laying and hugged it in front of her.

She stayed in this position until she heard Fin knock. When she didn't reply, he thought she might be in the bathroom and used his hotel key card that she'd given him. The hotel had given her two, but she'd need to request another for Amanda to have.

Fin had to use his foot to push open the door because he was carrying two duffle bags. One full of Amanda's things and one full of Olivia's.

He saw her on the bed and instantly knew something was wrong.

He closed the door behind him and went to set the bags on the couch. Then, slowly he made his way over to Olivia's side of the bed. He sat down in front of her, making eye contact.

" _Hey…_ " he said lightly, " _What happened?_ " he asked but he was pretty sure he already knew. He noticed the state of her hair and glanced at the open bathroom door. Brunette hair covered the floor.

" _Umm…Where's Amanda?_ " Olivia asked in a whisper, taking her good arm from around the pillow to wipe any leftover tears from her face.

" _She dropped me off at the door and is parking the car in the garage…_ " he told her, " _we have a few minutes before she joins us._ " He promised.

" _I um… I had a flashback…_ " she gave him a week smile. He nodded his head in understanding.

" _And this hairdo?_ " he asked, cocking his head with a smirk.

" _I don't know… I needed change and it felt right… I'll go get it professionally fixed tomorrow._ " She told him, sniffling from her nose that was now runny because she had been crying.

" _Wanna talk 'bout it?_ " Fin questioned gently.

Olivia shook her head 'no'.

" _Aight. If you do, you got my number…_ " he said and left it at that.

She gave him a weak smile as they heard a knock on the door.

Olivia swallowed. It was Amanda and she was going to freak out.

Fin got up, walking to the door to let the blonde in.

" _Liv?_ " She said immediately as she took in Olivia state. " _What happened? Your hair…_ " Amanda trailed off.

" _I'm fine._ " Olivia told her quickly.

The younger woman remained silent.

Fin took this as his opportunity to leave. Amanda had come earlier in her own car so he could take the squad car back to the station, they'd still have a means of transportation if they wished to leave.

" _I'm gonna head out._ " He told the women. " _Call me if you need anything._ " He directed at both of them before heading out the door.

Amanda took a breath and walked over to the opposite side of the bed that Olivia was sitting on. The blonde sat down lightly, facing Olivia.

" _You're not okay…_ " she stated, making a blunt observation.

Olivia looked at Amanda with loving, sad eyes. " _No,_ " she whispered. " _I'm not okay…_ " she said as she hugged the pillow tighter.

Amanda thought for a moment. She was trying to figure out what was the best thing to do.

" _What do I need to do?_ " Amanda asked. " _How can I help?_ " She was looking for instructions and guidance. Every victim is different. Amanda handled her sexual assault one way. Olivia would handle hers another. Amanda knew this.

" _Just be here… with me._ " Olivia told her.

" _You've got me._ " Amanda answered with a whisper, eyeing her girlfriend.

Olivia smiled lightly. " _You wanna lay with me?_ "

" _Yeah…_ " Amanda said, returning the smile.

Amanda got up and Olivia put the pillow that she had been hugging back on Amanda's side. Amanda began to pull back the covers but stopped abruptly.

" _You want me on top of the covers or under them?_ " She asked hesitantly, not sure what Olivia's comfort zone would be now.

Olivia had gotten out of bed, she needed to sweep her hair up before she forgot about it and one of them went to the bathroom and slipped.

" _Oh, you can get under them with me._ " Olivia replied quickly as she found a broom behind the bathroom door. She hated how things had changed now, how it was different between them.

Amanda didn't know how close Olivia would want her so she made it a point to get settled in the bed first, that way Olivia had control over everything. Olivia swept the bathroom floor and dumped the dustpan into the mini trash can under the sink.

Turning out the bathroom light, she slowly made her way back to the bed. The TV had been on mute but she reached the night stand, grabbing the remote from beside her discarded glasses and turned the television off.

Now, the only light left was the lamp on the night stand, which was fine. It wasn't too bright or too dim. She hadn't bothered ordering the food, but little did Olivia know, Fin had stopped by the front desk. He had found out she never ordered it and decided to give her a pass. He did however, make sure that the women would have a big breakfast at the door first thing in the morning.

Amanda laid on her back under the covers looking at Olivia in anticipation. It'd been days since she had been able to touch Olivia. She'd missed her.

Amanda had changed into sweatpants and t-shirt when she and Fin had gone to get clothes, so she didn't need to change clothes now. It was still a bit too early to go to bed but Amanda wasn't going to say anything. Then again, she didn't really think they were about to sleep. Olivia had asked the blonde to lay with her. Maybe she just wanted to feel Amanda beside her for comfort.

Much to Amanda's surprise, Olivia slowly got under the covers and made her way to the younger woman. Scooting up next to her, Olivia settled into Amanda's left side. She put her good arm slightly behind Amanda's left shoulder and wrapped her casted wrist around Amanda's waist.

Olivia was trying really hard to make things feel normal between them. She didn't intertwin their legs, but she did rest her head on Amanda's shoulder. Olivia was the one that needed to be held now.  
Amanda wrapped her left arm around Olivia's shoulders, letting out a breath of relief that the older woman had wanted to hold her so closely. She interlaced her fingers from both hands on the top of Olivia's left shoulder, now fully hugging her girlfriend.

Olivia turned her face into Amanda's shirt and breathed in her scent. It helped to have a familiar smell around. She knew it would help keep the flashbacks and nightmares at bay.

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, just taking each other in. It was nice. Their breaths were even, there were just there with each other in a state of comfort.

Amanda finally spoke up. " _I missed you…_ " she told Olivia.

The brunette tightened her arm around Amanda's waist in response.

"… _Fin's not as good of a cuddler_." Amanda added.

This made Olivia release a small laugh.

" _Yeah… Fin only cuddles on rare occasions with specific people… you should feel special…_ " Olivia mumbled.

Awkward silence engulfed them once more. Olivia wasn't sure where she wanted to take the conversation. It was so easier talking to Fin about things, probably because he wasn't her lover and Amanda was.

" _Did you ah… did you read my case file?_ " Olivia whispered to Amanda, treading lightly.

" _No…_ " Amanda whispered back instantly. " _I wouldn't dare… not without your consent._ "

Olivia nodded her head against Amanda's shoulder, then leaned her head up, closing her eyes and pressing a kiss into Amanda's cheek. " _Don't…_ " she whispered lightly, letting the younger woman know that she did not have Olivia's blessing to read what had happened to her.

Amanda closed her eyes as Olivia's lips made contact with her face.

" _Alright,_ " The blonde agreed. " _I won't_ " she promised.

Another bout of silence overcame them. Olivia had been contemplating how to bring up the gambling. It was something she needed to do soon. She wasn't sure if Amanda had stopped yet or not but she knew the longer they went without discussing it, the more stress and anxiety would accumulate for Amanda. Luckily, she didn't have to bring it up.

" _Olivia…_." Amanda began in a hushed voice. " _I did a bad thing…_ " she whispered.

The older woman remained silent, allowing Amanda to take her time with her confession.

" _I was so stressed out and so scared when he had you… you have no idea…_ " Amanda paused for a few moments to make sure she kept her composure and her emotions in check. " _I went over all of Lewis' case files from each crime… I tried my hardest to find you but, going over the files and reading everything he did to those other women… reading what he was probably doing to you…_ "

She took a deep breath as she felt Olivia hug her tighter in support.

" _I lost my way, Liv…_ " Amanda whispered. " _I… I slipped… I'm so sorry…._ " She said quietly.

Olivia leaned up on her good arm, propping herself up so she could see Amanda's face. She leaned down to give the blonde a longing kiss on the lips. " _I'm so proud of you._ " Olivia whispered against her lips, showing as much affection for Amanda as possible without becoming uncomfortable.

They were fully clothed, cuddling, and had small kisses here and there. It saddened Olivia to think that for now, this was all she could stand. She was already fighting against her body, it didn't want to be touched ever again but she knew this was a process. She had to start out small, start out with a fully clothed cuddle here and a kiss there.

Amanda swallowed hard upon hearing Olivia's words.

" _Wh-what?_ " Amanda stuttered.

" _I am so fucking proud of you…_ " Olivia whispered again, she'd repeat it as many times as she needed to. Olivia relaxed back into Amanda's side, burring her face more into Amanda's neck this time. She loved feeling the warmth of Amanda's skin against her face. It was a calming feeling.

" _Umm…_ " Amanda didn't know what to say. This wasn't the response she'd been expecting.

" _I knew you slipped…_ " Olivia confessed. " _I could read it in your face from the moment you stepped into the doorway earlier…_ " She felt the blonde's body stiffen. " _I'm proud of you for telling me, for admitting your faults…_ " the brunette explained.

" _I'm sorry…_ " Amanda whispered. Her voice was laced with guilt and shame.

Olivia hugged Amanda tighter again and buried her face deeper. She was really beginning to feel clingy. " _Don't be…_ " Olivia mumbled into the space between Amanda's neck. " _I would have slipped too… it was rough on all of us… I'm not mad or angry. You're gonna go to meetings and you're gonna be fine._ " The older woman stated firmly to her girlfriend.

Amanda's heart soared at Olivia's words. She had been so terrified of her reaction. Amanda raised her left hand to run her fingers through Olivia's new jagged cut hairstyle but unfortunately, Olivia hadn't been expecting the gesture.

She flinched as soon as the blonde's hand made contact with her head.

Olivia tensed up and released a shaky breath onto Amanda's skin and closed her eyes tightly, hating her body for betraying her girlfriend's touch. It had been out of habit, it wasn't unusual for Amanda to run her fingers through Olivia's hair and vice versa.

As soon as it had happened, Amanda retracted her hand quickly.

" _Shit, Liv. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._ " The younger woman told her, softly slipping away from Olivia's grasp and sitting up. The covers bunched at her waist. Olivia stayed in her awkward sideways position with her casted arm covering Amanda's empty bed space behind the blonde. The brunette remained silent. She hated her body for reacting the way it did.

" _Nick mentioned the burns, the cuts… I know you're covered in bruises… I need to be more cautious with you…_ " Amanda stated, not bothering to look over her shoulder at the other woman.

" _Yeah, all of those things are currently covering a good portion of my body…_ " Olivia replied. She wondered what Amanda was trying to get at. " _It was his MO,_ " Olivia commented. " _It's what he did to all his victims…I'm nothing special…_ " Olivia tried to laugh at her small joke but it didn't work.

" _Rape was part of his MO too…_ " Amanda whispered, looking down at her lap.

" _But I wasn't raped…_ " the brunette whispered from behind Amanda.

Amanda remained silent.

Olivia sat up slowly, taking her time so she didn't hurt her ribs. Her voice was calm and so was her face as she scooted up beside Amanda so she could see the blonde's side profile.

" _You think I'm lying about not being raped?_ " Olivia said softly. She wasn't mad or upset, just concerned for Amanda.

" _I don't think you'd lie to a former rape victim about being raped._ " Amanda responded, looking to Olivia as their eyes locked. And just like that, Olivia was so vividly reminded of how Amanda was a rape victim herself, about how she had been assaulted and violated, she'd aborted her rapist's baby.

Olivia smiled a sad smile as she grabbed Amanda's face with both hands, careful not to scratch Amanda's cheek with her hard cast.

" _Amanda, you are so amazing,_ " Olivia told her and Amanda leaned into her girlfriend's touch. " _I care about you so fucking much that it hurts sometimes… you don't know how much it means to me that you're here in this room, in this bed after everything that's happened._ " Olivia told her honestly.

Amanda raised her left hand to cup Olivia's right hand, the one without the cast.

" _You're crazy if you think I'd leave you just because of something like this…_ " Amanda whispered. " _I'm a sexual assault victim too…_ " she reminded her.

" _I know, and I know on paper it makes sense but in my head… Lewis said a lot of things, he did a lot of things to me…_ " Olivia confided in Amanda. " _What I'm saying is… he's in my head Amanda. He's in there and I can't get him out… I hate it. I hate him, God I do but I can't control it._ " The brunette looked at Amanda with loving eyes as she dropped her hands from Amanda's face.

Olivia let out a shaky breath. " _I'm fucked up right now. My emotions aren't in check, I've already had a flashback…_ "

Amanda looked worried upon hearing Olivia had had a flashback.

" _What?_ " Olivia tried to joke, " _You think I chopped my hair off to make a fashion statement?_ "

Amanda gave her girlfriend a small smile.

" _I gambled… We're both fucked up, Olivia…_ " Amanda told her softly. " _Can I kiss you?_ " she whispered to the brunette.

" _Of course, baby…_ " Olivia whispered and Amanda leaned in, taking this opportunity to be the one who grasped Olivia's face as she leaned in for the kiss. It was long a passionate but no tongue. She wouldn't go that far, not until Olivia initiated it. She was careful with Olivia's busted lip and bruised cheek.

Amanda closed her eyes as she rested her forehead against the older woman's. Olivia closed her eyes as well, taking in the moment.

" _What did he do to you, Olivia?_ " Amanda whispered quietly into the small space between their lips.

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _I can't tell you…_ " Olivia stated as she felt Amanda stiffen but the blonde stayed in place. " _I'm not shutting you out, I swear… I just… I need time…_ "

Amanda nodded and leaned back. The younger woman understood, she really did, it just hurt her to know Olivia couldn't open up to her yet.

Olivia huffed.

" _I've been hurt…_ " Olivia whispered. " _Literally, physically, mentally… I'm so fucking broken right now… it's dark inside my head… real dark and I don't want to taint you with it…_ " Olivia reached over, grabbing Amanda's hand with her good one.

" _I WILL open up to you, I promise…_ " Olivia stated firmly, no longer whispering. Amanda looked at her. " _I'm going to tell you what I can when I can, just like you did with me. Just like when you told me about your rape, your abortion…. Okay?_ " Amanda nodded in confirmation.

" _Until then, I want you by my side at every possible moment…_ " Olivia brought Amanda in for a hug. " _Don't ever think I don't want you here because I do. I want you here in my life, in my hotel room, in my bed…_ " Olivia held her girlfriend tightly before finally releasing her.

" _I just… I…_ " Olivia paused not quite sure how to say what she was trying to.

" _What?_ " Amanda asked. " _You can tell me anything… anything at all._ "

Olivia huffed. " _I don't know when or if I'll be able to have sex again…_ " she stated silently, looking away.

" _Hey,_ " The blonde said in her sweet southern accent, catching Olivia's eyes. " _I want you to be okay… if you aren't comfortable having sex, then we won't._ "

Olivia began fumbling over her words. " _I mean obviously, we could do other stuff eventually… we can start out slow, I can just work on you… I enjoy working on you…_ " Olivia's face turned a shade red. It was odd how this ordeal had impacted her. Before, she'd never been shy about sexual things but now she was seeing it all in a new light. Her body was responding with shyness without her consent.

" _Olivia,_ " Amanda said firmly, " _We're gonna go at your pace._ " The blonde told her, trying to calm Olivia down.

The brunette was silent for a moment.

" _I think I've had enough talking for tonight…_ " Olivia confessed.

" _Alright,_ " Amanda agreed. It had been a stressful, emotional talk. They could use a break.

" _I'm going to go shower… will you order some room service, just order for both of us, I'll try to eat whatever…_ " Olivia commented, sliding off the bed and walking to the couch to see if Fin had been able to get everything on her list. She honestly wasn't hungry but she knew Amanda probably hadn't eaten and she needed to give the blond a task to get her mind off of their discussion.

" _Didn't you just take a shower a couple of hours ago?_ " Amanda questioned.

" _Be sure and get me a chocolate milk with whatever you order…_ " Olivia replied, giving Amanda a glance that told the young woman she wasn't going to answer her and that she should stop asking questions.

Amanda nodded her head and reached over to get the menu as Olivia entered the bathroom.


	7. Bathroom Floor

**Slight trigger warning for what she says about the nightmare.**

Texts are in **bold**

Olivia sat up in one swift movement. She was covered in sweat and breathing hard. It took her a minute to take in her surroundings. Fin had been thoughtful enough to bring a small night light to plug into a socket near the couch. It wasn't too bright to where it would keep her awake, but it was just bright enough for her to be able to identify where she was if she had night terrors.

She knew this was only the beginning.

Luckily, Amanda was still asleep next to her. Olivia swore the woman could sleep like a rock sometimes.

When they had gone to bed, Olivia had been very clear about the fact that she couldn't have arms wrapped around her.

" _We can't fall asleep like this,_ " she'd told Amanda as they'd cuddled after Olivia's shower and their meal. " _I can't wake up with arms around me, I'm sorry but… it just… it'll throw me. I'm sorry_." Olivia stated.

" _It's alright, don't apologize,_ " Amanda had told her softly, " _I understand._ " She had promised her lover.

So, right before Olivia had drifted off, she'd removed herself from the blonde's arms and they both made sure they were on their designated sides of the bed.

Now, Olivia had woken up abruptly from her nightmare, it wasn't quite a terror, if it was then she would have been kicking and screaming. She'd have been out of her mind with fear and most likely having a panic attack.

She calmed herself down as much as she could. Olivia looked over to Amanda who was sleeping peacefully.

Not wanting to wake her girlfriend, Olivia grabbed her phone from the nightstand and tip toed into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly cracked as she turned on the light. It was time she reapplied the cream to her burns anyways. The cream must have been a strong concoction because she'd only been using it for almost two days now and the burns felt better. They didn't hurt really at all but she also thought the cream had a numbing effect to it.

Afterwards, she sat on the floor Indian style, leaning against the wall by the shower, furthest away from the door so she wouldn't chance waking Amanda even though she was pretty sure the blonde was sleeping like a log. The poor girl, Olivia figured Amanda had barely gotten any sleep for the past five days. With Olivia finally back, she could now rest assured that her woman was back with her, safe from the grasp of William Lewis.

She looked at her screen to see that it was almost three-thirty in the morning.

Olivia opened up her imessage app on her iphone and began typing a message to Fin.

" _ **You awake?**_ " she sent to him.

Olivia sat there waiting. She knew he'd either be awake or wake up. Fin was keeping his phone on loud specifically in case she needed anything.

Within the minute, she reviewed his reply.

" _ **You know it. What's up?**_ "

She thought a moment before replying.

" _ **Not much…**_ " and sent it.

He'd know something was up. She couldn't hide it from him.

" _ **Flashback?**_ " She received next.

" _ **No… just nightmare.**_ " She replied.

Olivia sighed. Had her life really come to this? Sitting on a bathroom floor texting one of her co-worker and friends.

" _ **Did you wake up blondie?**_ " his message read.

The brunette almost rolled her eyes at his question. Obviously, she hadn't woken up Amanda, otherwise she wouldn't be here texting him.

" _ **No**_ " was her quick reply.

" _ **Want me to call you?**_ " he sent back.

Olivia was contemplating her reply. She didn't want to seem weaker than she already was. Then again, she trusted Fin to not judge her. She knew he'd have her best interest at heart. Olivia huffed. She didn't know what to do.

Obviously, she was taking too long to decide because her phone began to vibrate in her lap and Fin's name popped up on her screen. She was happy she had put her phone on vibrate when she came into the bathroom, otherwise the call would have woken up Amanda.

Her finger touched the green button with a phone symbol in it on the screen.

" _Hey…_ " she said lowly so Amanda wouldn't hear.

" _Baby girl… you aight?_ " he asked. His voice didn't sound sleepy. Either he had already been awake when she text or he was masking his voice so she wouldn't feel bad about waking him.

" _Yeah… I'm okay,_ " she told him lightly.

" _No, you're not…_ " he replied, reading her like a book even through the phone.

Olivia huffed. " _Okay… you win…_ " she whispered into the phone.

" _You wanna talk 'bout it?_ " Fin questioned her.

" _You don't want to hear it…_ " Olivia promised him.

" _Go ahead and spill it…_ " he whispered to her, letting her know it was okay for her to tell him the darkness that had invaded her mind and turned her dreams into nightmares.

" _It was just Lewis and me at the beach house…_ " she said lightly, swallowing. " _Except, this time he raped me…_ " She could hear him take a deep breath on the other end of the line. " _I swear I could literally feel him on me when I woke up…_ " she whispered to him, her voice almost breaking.

" _Breathe baby girl…_ " he told her calmly. " _He aint here… he's never gonna touch you again… You know I'll kill him._ " He promised her.

It almost scared her how honest he was being. He would literally kill for her, she knew he would.

" _I love you, Odafin Tutuola…_ " Olivia told him with a small smile.

" _Back at you, doll face… Where you at?_ " he asked her.

" _On the bathroom floor,_ " she told him with absolutely no shame. She was beginning to accept her new found life, the ups and downs of PTSD, and being a new kind of victim, the kind that was different from Sealview.

" _You hiding from Amanda?_ " he asked her.

" _No,_ " she answered immediately, but moments later she changed her answer. " _Yes…_ " she whispered.

" _Tell me what you're afraid of?_ " He asked her lightly. When Olivia remained silent, he continued talking. " _She's already been through this, Liv. You know that… She's had the PTSD flashbacks, the anxiety, the fear…_ " he trailed off. " _You still with me?_ " he asked, worrying since he hadn't heard anything from her.

" _Yeah, I'm just… Listening to you…. The sound of your voice is calming, I think it's because it's familiar…_ " she confessed to him. He wasn't surprised. He knew familiar trusted people and familiar voices of trusted people were calming to victims of sexual assault.

" _Hmmm…_ " he replied. " _You know who else's voice is familiar to you?_ " he tried, she could hear the smile in his voice.

" _I know, I know…_ " she smiled into the phone. She knew where he was going with this.

Olivia looked up when she heard a light knock on the door.

" _Liv?_ " Amanda called lightly as she opened the door wider, poking her head in the bathroom, giving her girlfriend a questioning look.

" _Speaking of blondie…_ " Olivia said into the phone with a small smile. " _She's awake…_ "

" _Talk to her, Liv._ " Fin told her.

" _I'm going to try…_ " The brunette promised him. " _Goodnight._ " She said as she waved Amanda in to join her.

" _Night, baby girl,_ " he replied and she heard the line click.

" _Come sit beside me,_ " Olivia called to Amanda lightly as she made her way through the door.

The blonde sat down next to Olivia, careful to not touch her in the process. She was going to be more cautious, pay attention to little things like this more often now.

" _I was talking to Fin,_ " Olivia explained. " _I hope I didn't wake you…_ " she said, looking to Amanda.

" _You didn't, I just woke up and you weren't there… I got worried._ "

" _I had a nightmare…_ " Olivia confided in her.

Amanda nodded her head in understanding but didn't ask any questions. She didn't want to push Olivia.

" _I'd like to try to tell you about it… if you're up for it?_ " Olivia asked, biting her lip.

The blonde nodded in confirmation. " _I would like to hear about it, Liv._ "

Olivia gave her a small smile. " _Okay…_ "

The brunette unfolded her legs and stretch them out, crossing them at the ankles. She patted her lap, letting Amanda know that she wanted the younger woman to lay down, with her head there.

Amanda smiled at the gesture and immediately complied, scooting further away from Olivia so she could manage to stretch out along the wall and lay her head in the older woman's lap, facing away from her.

Olivia gathered Amanda's long blonde hair and began playing with it absent mindedly.

She took a deep breath as she began to talk.

" _I'm not going to be able to tell you everything at once. Hell, it took me three hours to give my official statement…_ " Olivia told her. " _It's going to be in pieces and it will probably take me weeks, maybe months to fully tell you everything that happened… if I can manage to tell you everything that happened…_ " Amanda nodded in understanding but stayed quiet, letting Olivia control the conversation.

Amanda knew certain things that had happened. She was aware Olivia had gone from her apartment, to the back seat of a car, to the lawyer's mom's house, to the trunk, and finally to the beach house. She knew the general extent of Olivia's injuries, that she'd had to watch a man get murdered and a woman get raped. The blonde knew Olivia had done a number on Lewis when he had broken free of his restraints and lunged at her… She knew Olivia had been tortured, but she needed to hear everything from Olivia's mouth.

" _Tonight,_ " Olivia started. " _I dreamed I was at the beach house with Lewis…_ " Olivia ran her fingers through Amanda's messy hair, de-tangling it as she went along. " _In reality, I broke free of my restraints as he was unbuckling his pants… to rape me. It's when I took him down and cuffed him to the end of the bed…_ " Olivia paused, taking a deep breath to keep her voice even. " _But tonight, I didn't break free… in my… my nightmare, he raped me…_ " Olivia swallowed hard.

" _I know in reality, it didn't happen but… I swear I could feel him on me when I woke up. I could feel him… in me…_ " The older woman was quickly losing a battle with her emotions. It hurt her to talk about it, but it hurt even worse for her to know that she was telling Amanda.

The younger woman rolled over in Olivia's lap, now facing her. Olivia withdrew her hand momentarily from Amanda's hair so she wouldn't pull it as the blonde moved around. Amanda held onto the bottom of Olivia's shirt as she buried her face in Olivia's stomach, the brunette's shirt was the only barrier from them being skin-on-skin.

" _Is this too much?_ " Olivia asked, looking down to see her girlfriend's reaction, but Amanda kept her eyes shut and her face buried in the clothing.

" _No,_ " she mumbled in the shirt. " _I want you to continue…_ " Olivia could just barely make out what Amanda was saying. " _I want you to tell me all that you can… I'm here for you, and I'm listening._ " The blonde promised her.

Olivia waited another beat before talking some more.

" _At the boat house…_ " she started again. " _Lewis did things to me… he helped me to the bathroom. I had been pumped full of vodka. God, I had to pee so badly, so I begged to go to the bathroom… and he let me…_ " She heard Amanda mumble something that sounded like " _You shoulda peed on him…_ " and Olivia smiled, she almost laughed.

The older woman raked her fingernails across Amanda's scalp as she played with her hair, moving it out of her face and onto the lap behind her head.

" _He helped me to the bathroom… pulled down my pants and let me go… then…_ " Olivia paused. She didn't know if she should continue. Olivia didn't want Amanda knowing these things. She didn't want the younger woman to have any of this in her head, but she knew if she shut her out and never told her, that she would lose her. That wasn't a risk Olivia was willing to take.

" _He wiped me clean…he touched me down there…_ " Olivia took a deep breath as a wave of anger hit her. " _He acted like he owned me, like I was his property to take care of and do what he wanted with…_ " Olivia said as she continued her strokes through Amanda's hair.

" _He burned the shape of an 'L' into my chest… branding me as his…_ " Olivia now had tears in her eyes. They began to overflow and she couldn't do anything to stop them as they dropped onto the top of her shirt that covered her breasts. " _But he's wrong… I'm yours, Amanda… not his._ " She whispered as her hand slightly began to shake while her fingers weaved in and out of the blonde hair.

Amanda moved to sit up beside Olivia's knees facing her. The brunette let her hands rest in her lap.

" _Olivia…_ " Amanda said, looking at her woman with loving eyes.

" _There's an 'L' burned into my chest forever, Amanda…_ " Olivia said silently as the tears continued. " _It's ugly… so fucking ugly and I have to live with it on my body for the rest of my life…_ "

" _Baby…_ " Amanda called out to her. Olivia opened her arms, letting Amanda know that she wanted to be embraced. The blonde gladly took her up on the offer.

As Amanda leaned forward to wrap her arms around the older woman, Olivia took her by surprise when she hugged her back and pulled Amanda until she was straddling Olivia's lap.

There was nothing romantic about it. This embrace had no sexual tone. It was simply the fact that Olivia needed to be close to Amanda in that moment.

Olivia wrapped her arms strongly around Amanda's waist and buried her head in the blonde's chest as she was silently crying. The blonde hugged her back, one arm wrapped around her shoulders, the other arm and hand was wrapped behind Olivia's head, holding her tightly.

" _I've got you…_ " Amanda whispered to Olivia as she kissed the top of her head. Olivia didn't flinch and Amanda was glad. " _You're gonna be okay, Liv. I've got you…_ "

" _Amanda, I was tortured… the things he did… what if I never recover?_ " Olivia muttered into Amanda's chest. She could feel the tears slowly wetting her shirt.

" _You'll recover. I'm gonna help you, Fin's gonna help you. Olivia, you've got a bunch of people on your side here… we're gonna get you through this, I promise._ " Amanda told her firmly as she kissed the top of her girlfriend's head once more.

" _What if… I don't recover…_ " Olivia stated once more. She knew it was possible, they both did. They each knew some sexual assault survivors that were never able to fully recover, some that had to live with PTSD and nightmares for years, who had to have a concoction of meds to even go to sleep.

Amanda held her close. " _If you don't recover, it will still be okay…_ " Amanda promised her. " _I'll care about you all the same… I'm… I'm never gonna recover from gambling… you know how the saying goes, 'once an addict, always an addict'. It's something I have to live with for the rest of my life…._ "

Olivia leaned back to look at Amanda and the blonde loosened her grip on the brunette.

Closing her eyes, Olivia took a deep breath and wiped her face off.

" _Take your shirt off?_ " Olivia asked, shocking Amanda.

The blonde swallowed. " _No… you're nowhere near ready for anything-_ "

" _I'm not trying to be sexual,_ " Olivia stated quickly. " _I just need you… skin-on-skin. I need to see you, to feel you in front of me. I mean I know you're really here I just… my head is so full of shit and darkness…I…_ " Olivia bit her lip, trying to read Amanda. " _Please,_ " she whispered.

The blonde nodded, complying. She grabbed the bottom of her shirt and slowly pulled it over her shoulders, making sure to place it directly beside her so she could put it back on quickly if Olivia needed her to. Amanda hadn't been wearing a bra but that wasn't surprising.

" _Can… Can I?_ " Olivia asked permission to touch.

" _You never need permission, you hear me?_ " Amanda told her sternly. " _I ask you permission because I need to make sure you're okay with it, that you won't flashback. But for me, you never have to ask…_ " Olivia nodded in understanding.

The older woman's hands started at Amanda's stomach and made their way up, circling around her breasts, making sure to not touch the nipples. She wasn't trying to tease Amanda.

Amanda sucked in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, trying to will herself not to get turned on, this was for Olivia, not her.

Olivia leaned forward, closing her eyes and placing her forehead on Amanda's chest, just above her breasts. As the brunette's hands made their way up Amanda's back, she pulled the blonde closer to her, enjoying their closeness.

Amanda wrapped her arms securely around Olivia's shoulders.

" _If you need this again, all you have to do is ask._ " Amanda whispered to her. The younger woman's nipples were hard, she couldn't help it, it was just what Olivia did to her body, but she was okay with it. If Olivia needed this closeness from her, she'd give it to her.

Amanda felt water between her breasts and she knew Olivia was crying again, so she held her tighter.

" _I was so terrified I would never see you again… that I would never have this again…_ " Olivia confessed.

" _We shared the same fears then…_ " Amanda returned.

Olivia remained in her position for a couple minutes longer before pulling back and settling her hands on Amanda's hips. The blonde had come a long way since the beginning of their friendship and relationship. She was sitting on Olivia's lap, topless and not even the slightest bit shy. Olivia was proud of her.

The older woman sniffled and wiped the water from her face again.

" _Thank you, for giving me this._ " Olivia told her, smiling up at her.

" _You don't need to thank me. I'm your girlfriend, I support you… I'm here for whatever you need._ " Amanda replied.

Olivia leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes like she'd overcome some big obstacle, and she had. Her eyes were a bit red and swollen from her crying session but she didn't care.

" _I know it's going to take some time, it's going to be a while before you show me the scars…_ " Amanda stated and Olivia opened her eyes and nodded in agreement sadly. " _But I just want to reinforce the fact that… I don't care what letters or shapes he burned into your skin… I'm going to care about you all the same, I'll still be turned on by your body. I know he told you otherwise and I know he's in your head… but try not to listen to that asshole, he doesn't know us, he doesn't know our relationship or what we have…._ " Amanda promised her firmly.

Olivia bit her bottom lip. " _Come here,_ " she requested of Amanda. " _Kiss me?_ " She asked.

Amanda complied, leaning down and kissing her tenderly on the lips.

" _There is no one else I'd rather be sitting on the bathroom floor with at four am than you, Amanda._ "


	8. The Letter P

Olivia had taken a couple of pain pills before she and Amanda slipped back into bed. Partially because her wrist had begun to hurt but also because if she was out on pain meds, she'd be much less likely to have a nightmare. Amanda had also slipped her shirt back on, she wanted Olivia to be as comfortable as possible.

She might not have been able to sleep with Amanda's arms wrapped around her, but they did fall asleep holding hands. But of course, during their slumber their hands had become detached.

Amanda was the first one awake that morning. She turned her head to her left to look at Olivia's sleeping form. This was the first time she'd been able to observe her girlfriend and take the time to really study Olivia without making the older woman worry or feel self-conscious.

She looked at Olivia's face, how peaceful it looked. Amanda was aware that her girlfriend had taken pain pills before going to sleep, it was probably the best sleep Olivia had gotten in days.

She studied the eye that was still swollen and had a dark tint to it. She looked at Olivia's lips and how the top one still had a small red mark from being split open. She glanced up at the dissolvable stitches. The skin around them wasn't as angry and red as it had been the past two days.

The way Olivia's wounds were quickly healing probably had something to do with the fact that Olivia had been put on a couple of extra meds that weren't for pain. One was just in case one if the wounds happened to get infected, and one was an antibiotic. The doctor couldn't say that she truly needed it but at this point, it was better to be safe than sorry and since her insurance covered everything so far, Olivia had agreed to take them for a couple of weeks.

The older woman was laying on her side, facing Amanda. They weren't very close in proximity, Amanda had made sure of that. She hadn't wanted to accidentally touch her girlfriend during the night and send her into a flashback or startle her.

Both of Olivia's arms rested on the bed in front of her chest. Olivia's cast was deep blue. Amanda wondered if Olivia picked the color of if they had given her a random color while assessing and fixing her injuries. Olivia would have probably been in shock at the hospital anyways. If the nurses were smart, they would have picked dark blue because Olivia was a NYPD cop, it matched.

Olivia's other wrist was visible though and for the first time, Amanda truly studied the marks there. She knew they were from the handcuffs. Olivia must have fought very hard to get free if she almost sliced her wrists open via handcuffs in the process. Amanda didn't think these marks would scar. They weren't too deep but the skin on the wrist is one of the most sensitive places on the body. It might take some time for the marks to completely disappear.

" _Amanda…_ " Olivia whispered but her eyes stayed shut. Apparently, the blonde had been so engrossed in taking in all of the details on Olivia's body that she hadn't noticed the change in her breathing pattern. " _I'm awake now, and I can feel you staring…and I need you to stop…_ " Olivia told her in a calm voice.

" _Okay,_ " Amanda whispered back in understanding, turning over until she was laying on her back facing the ceiling. She didn't want to make Olivia feel uncomfortable.

Olivia popped one eye open to get a look at her girlfriend. The brunette rolled over a bit more, reaching out her casted wrist until she was touching Amanda's stomach, scooting her body into the blonde's side. Amanda raised her left arm, welcoming Olivia in.

The older woman snuggled up to her, wrapping her casted arm around Amanda's waste and snuggling her head in the Amanda's neck.

" _What's on your mind?_ " Olivia asked lightly, knowing it wasn't going to be a light topic, whatever it was.

" _Not much…_ " Amanda replied. She didn't want to upset Olivia.

" _Come on…_ " Olivia whispered, placing a kiss on Amanda's neck, causing the younger woman to get goose bumps. " _Talk to me…_ "

" _I was thinking about my rape… and all of the things he said to me during it,_ " she whispered to her honestly.

" _I see…_ " Olivia commented, her voice strong. " _What 'things' did he say, Amanda?_ " The brunette asked lightly.

Amanda huffed out of frustration, mostly at herself. She wished her mind would go somewhere else. She hated that they'd both been assaulted, she hated that they both needed therapy and had problems. It hurt Amanda to know that Olivia was hurting now. She didn't know the fully story yet, so she was forced to imagine the worse.

" _He told me I was ruined… that no one would ever want me or love me if I told…_ " Amanda took a deep breath. " _He said I was damaged goods… That I was tainted…_ " The blonde sighed at the memory. She was happy that now these memories seemed to annoy her instead of anger and trigger her though.

" _You've showed me that wasn't true, Olivia…_ " Amanda whispered in a serious tone. " _You've showed me how much you want me, how it doesn't affect your feelings for me that… that those things were done to me, to my body. It's not a turn off for you…_ " Amanda trailed off.

Olivia leaned up on her good elbow and looked in Amanda's eyes before placing a longing kiss on her mouth.

" _I know what you're doing…_ " Olivia commented as she pulled back from Amanda. The blonde smiled. Olivia leaned in, kissing her again before pulling back and resuming her previous position of holding Amanda close. " _Lewis said a lot of the same things to me, and you're trying to prove to me that it isn't true because I've already proven it to you…_ " Amanda smiled at Olivia's quick detective skills.

" _Thank you…_ " Olivia whispered.

" _You know,_ " Amanda started again, sensing that it was making Olivia feel better to hear about the blonde instead of talking about herself. " _I didn't develop the gambling addiction until after my sexual assault._ "

Olivia pressed her lips together before she spoke. " _Your rape caused you to turn to gambling… my mother's rape caused her to drown in vodka…_ " She snuggled tighter into Amanda. " _It happens to the best of us, but it's okay, you've got it back under control…_ " Olivia told her with confidence.

" _Hmm…_ " Amanda wondered out loud. " _So… what would your poison be?_ " she asked jokingly.

Olivia smiled. " _Well, not vodka because it's gross and I've had enough of it this past week to last a fucking lifetime…_ "

Amanda smiled, glad that Olivia was up for lightening the mood even if it was with such dark humor. They were both super messed up now, dark humor probably came with the territory.

" _And gambling never appealed to me much…_ " Olivia thought for a moment. " _It'd probably be the pain pills if they keep working as well as they did last night._ " Olivia joked. " _I swear I haven't slept that good in months…_ " They both laughed.

" _Yeah, you looked pretty peaceful this morning._ "

Silence settled between them. Olivia would need to get up soon and do some things. She needed to get her hair fixed and she should probably go pick up some food to snack on while she stayed at the hotel. It would probably be weeks before she would be allowed back into her apartment and even then, she wasn't going to stay there. She would step foot in it only to go through the things she had there. Olivia would probably need to be looking for a new place to live but she didn't want to think about it right now.

" _I need to get up in a bit and shower._ " Olivia stated and Amanda declined to comment on the shower bit. For right now, the blonde knew Olivia would take several of them until she started feeling better. Amanda herself had done the same thing. " _I need to go somewhere to get my hair fixed and I need to touch base with Fin._ " Olivia told her.

" _Alright,_ " Amanda agreed. " _Would you like to go somewhere for breakfast?_ " She asked, but little did they know, they would discover the food that had been sitting outside their door from Fin's order. Both of them had slept through the knock in the early morning, but it wasn't much of a surprise. Plus, fancy hotels were used to leaving food trays outside the doors of hotel rooms here.

" _No,_ " Olivia had answered quickly. " _We'll just play it by ear, okay?_ "

Amanda nodded her head, rolling over so that the two women were embraced and now face to face.

" _Whatever you want to do, we'll do._ " Amanda promised her.

Olivia lay on her right side facing Amanda. She bit her lip as her right hand caressed Amanda's wrist and her left hand rested hugging Amanda's waist.

" _What is it?_ " Amanda asked gently.

Olivia swallowed. " _Um… If your rapist… If he had branded you…_ " Olivia said slowly. " _Which letter would it be?_ " she asked carefully.

Amanda gave her girlfriend a thin smile. " _You want to know what letter would have been burned into my chest?_ " Olivia nodded in confirmation.

" _P,_ " Amanda told her lightly. " _It would have been a 'P', his last name was Patton._ "

Olivia accepted Amanda's answer, leaning forward to press their lips together. Olivia loved kissing her, it was calming and made her feel connected with Amanda. They still weren't able to French kiss yet and Olivia hadn't told the blonde why, but she would eventually.

" _And I trust that you won't use that information to go digging into my file from Atlanta, that you won't go searching for him?_ " Amanda asked Olivia with worry as they finally pulled back.

" _If you had told me his last name months ago, I would have…_ " Olivia told her honestly. " _But now… I'd never do that to you, at least not without discussing it with you first._ " She sighed. " _Let's just focus on us, on the present._ " Olivia said and Amanda gave her a thin smile.

Olivia reluctantly got out of bed to head for the shower. Amanda opened the door and discovered the breakfast. She brought it inside and sat it on the bed.

Once Olivia had emerged from the bathroom in jeans and a t-shirt, Amanda was already dressed as well in jeans and a long sleeve shirt. The brunette had reapplied the cream to her burns, had taken all of her assigned meds, and was finally ready to start the day.

" _You ordered room service?_ " she asked Amanda with a questioning look.

" _Nope,_ " Amanda replied. " _Note says it was pre-ordered last night._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _Fin…_ " she whispered.

Amanda smiled. Yeah, Fin was a good friend.


	9. First Day Out

The two women had enjoyed their breakfast and gone on their way. Olivia had sent a text to Fin, checking in and thanking him for the breakfast. Amanda offered to drive them but Olivia wanted the fresh air. She knew she would tire easily, especially with her body bruised and battered, but she needed to walk around for a little bit. She'd been confined for five or six days, depending on if you counted her trip to the station to give her statement.

They'd already looked up a place to fix Olivia's hair. It was near the hotel so they wouldn't need to do much walking.

As they walked down the sidewalk together, Olivia got many stares. It was probably a mixture of people knowing her face from the news, her lopsided haircut, the injuries to her face, and the sling that her casted wrist rested in.

Olivia tried to ignore the looks. She knew most of the people didn't mean any harm.

It didn't take long for her to find one of the beauticians that would fix her hair. From the moment she and Amanda had walked in, all of them looked at her with pity. Getting her hair fixed didn't take long at all.

Walking hand-in-hand would be too much for Olivia, so she settled for Amanda linking arms with her. The sun was out but it was windy in the city.

After the stop at the barbershop, Olivia steered them to Starbucks. She hadn't had coffee in almost a week and she was definitely craving it now.

They were standing in line at the coffee shop. Olivia looked out the window and could see a paper stand in the distance across the street. She wasn't familiar with this part of town very well. Amanda followed Olivia's line of sight.

" _You want me to go get you something? Some magazines for the hotel room?_ " Amanda asked.

" _Yeah, actually_." Olivia answered, starting to dig in her pocket for money with her good wrist.

" _No,_ " Amanda stopped her quickly. " _I got it._ " She promised her.

" _Can you… can you get a few papers?_ " the brunette asked hesitantly. " _I just… I'd like to know what they say about… everything…_ "

Amanda smiled tenderly at her. " _Sure._ " The younger woman paused, looking around, wondering if it would be okay to leave her girlfriend in this semi-crowded place.

" _I'll be fine…_ " Olivia promised her. " _Go…_ " she ushered her gently, holding their place in line. She already knew Amanda's coffee order and she was nearing the front of the line anyways. Amanda nodded and headed out the door.

Olivia took a few deep breaths as she watched the blonde walk down the street. She was okay, she just needed to pace herself.

As Olivia moved up in the line, she heard her formal name being said.

" _Detective Benson?_ " He said in a calm voice.

Olivia turned around, seeing Captain Ed Tucker in line behind her. She had to fight the urge to roll her eyes.

He gave her a soft smile. " _It's good to see you out and about…_ " He commented.

" _It's nice to see you too, Tucker…_ " She replied as nicely as she could. Olivia figured she should cut him some slack. He was unusually nice and accommodating during her three hour statement.

" _Are you doing okay?_ " He asked her lightly as she glanced forward, moving up with the line.

" _Yeah, I'm alright. Thanks,_ " Olivia gave him a thin smile.

" _You'll probably hear this from your captain but I'm going to take advantage of this opportunity to tell you myself…_ " He told her and she took a deep breath, waiting to hear what he had to say.

" _Lewis is trying to say you cuffed him, and tortured and beat him before calling your squad and letting them know where you were…_. _That he hadn't broken free of his restraints when you layed into him…_ " Tucker explained and Olivia paid attention to every word.

Olivia scoffed, moving up in the line again. " _You just couldn't wait to tell me that, huh? You've already tried to arrest me for murder before… I shouldn't be surprised…._ " She told him darkly, shaking her head.

He gave her an annoyed look.

" _The part I wanted to tell you was that we won't be charging you…_ " He told her. " _We are putting Lewis on trial and that's it, not you._ " Tucker confided in her.

Olivia narrowed her eyes at him. " _You believe me?_ " she asked, entering dangerous territory.

Tucker looked around the room before replying. " _Oh no, I believe him. I think you beat the shit out of him with the bed post while he was still cuffed…._ "

Olivia's face was calm, she wasn't surprised. She glanced down at her feet before swallowing hard. " _So… here's your chance to do the one thing you've always tried to do, Tucker…_ " She told him boldly. Olivia didn't know what was wrong with her. Her body language and stance had basically just admitted to him that she'd done it.

Tucker bit his lip and shook his head. " _No… nope._ " He replied. " _I'm not gonna do that to you._ "

Her eyebrows went up in surprise. " _Why not?_ " she asked.

" _Because… the things he did to those women… to you…_ " Her face flushed at the thought of him knowing everything that had happened to her. Sure, she had told him and the other IAB agent but she hadn't thought much about it. In fact, she'd just about ignored it. It was another thing that she didn't need to worry about. " _He's a terrible man… and I would have done the same thing only… no one would have been able to identify him when I got through…._ "

Olivia took a deep breath. She'd never seen this side of Tucker. She'd never seen him act like this. It almost scared her to know that he could be this understanding.

She didn't have time to reply though. She turned around because it was her turn and the woman at the counter was asking for her order.

Once Olivia ordered the two coffees just the way her and Amanda liked them, she paid for them and moved out of the way so Tucker could place his order.

Olivia made her way to one of the small tables to the side, away from the line and from everyone else. She half expected Tucker to join her while she waited for her order after he'd place his.

And he did.

Olivia was facing the door and he sat down in front of her, crossing his hands on the table in front of him.

" _Look,_ " he started off. " _This conversation never happened okay…_ " He'd confessed something to her that he shouldn't have and it could get him in big trouble, but he knew she wouldn't say anything because it would not only hurt him but herself as well.

She nodded, wondering what else he had to say.

" _I don't need anyone thinking I'm going soft in my old age…_ " He told her and she laughed. She actually laughed at Ed Tucker. He just shot her another annoying look though.

He cleared this throat. " _Anyways… I'm just…_ " he rolled his eyes like he hated what he was about to admit. " _I'm glad you're okay, alright?_ " Olivia smiled, she was definitely enjoying this. She could tell Tucker was uncomfortable.

" _Thanks,_ " she told him lightly. Technically she wasn't okay but she wasn't about to get into that with Ed Tucker.

" _You ordered two coffees…_ " he observed. " _Stabler lurking around a corner somewhere?_ " he asked, pretending to look around the room.

Olivia rolled her eyes at the mention of Elliot's name but now she guessed that Tucker didn't exactly know how Elliot's departure went down between the two of them. Tucker probably still assumed they were as close as they always were even though Elliot retired.

" _My girlfriend's gonna be coming back anytime-_ " Olivia stopped mid-sentence, realizing what she had just done. Tucker's eyebrows shot up and her accidental omission. He could tell by her facial expression that it'd just slipped out.

Olivia propped her good elbow on the table and put her head in her hand with a huff. Fuck, she really had to stop outing her and Amanda.

Tucker smiled, clearly intrigued by badass Benson dating a woman.

" _Really? Girlfriend…_ " He stated. Olivia dropped her hand onto the table and rolled her eyes at him.

" _Shit…_ " She whispered.

" _I didn't know you batted for the other team…_ "

Olivia huffed again. " _Not that it's any of your business, but I bat for both teams…_ " she corrected him.

" _Hmm…_ " he replied in thought. " _So, who's the lucky lady that's bedding Olivia Benson_? _Anyone I know?"_ He asked being nosey and snooping.

It was in this moment that Olivia realized just exactly how crucial this conversation was. Her eyes widened as she remembered Amanda would be back any moment. Then, Tucker would know exactly who her girlfriend really was and he would definitely turn them in for dating without disclosing. He'd get one of them transferred.

Olivia's breath quickened and her eyes became glassy.

She would get Amanda transferred or worse, fired. It would be all her fault and Amanda would hate her. Amanda would have to relocate. She'd be mad. They'd probably break-up.

Olivia couldn't breathe. She was vaguely aware that she was having a panic attack. Tucker seemed aware of this as well. He sat up straighter to lock his eyes on her.

" _Benson,_ " he said calmly. " _Stay with me…_ " he tried.

She looked at him but her breathing wasn't getting much better.

" _Olivia,_ " he tried calmly again. " _Breathe with me…_ "

She was trying to. As embarrassing as it was to have a panic attack in front of Tucker, she was trying to calm herself down and let him help her as much as he could.

" _Feel the ground beneath your feet… feel the table beneath your hand…_ " he told her and it dawned on her that he had some experience with panic attacks.

Her breathing was finally evening out. Luckily, this panic attack hadn't lasted as long as the last one she'd had in the car with Fin.

" _I'm… I'm sorry…_ " she tried to whisper but it didn't come out quite like she wanted it to.

" _You're fine…_ " he told her strongly.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Amanda come in the door with a plastic bag presumably full of magazines and papers. The blonde spotted her, giving her a questioning look. Olivia knew she looked panicked and her face looked flushed.

She shook her head vigorously at Amanda, trying to tell the woman not to come over but it was too late. The blonde was hurrying over to her, worried something was wrong.

" _Hey, are you-_ " Amanda started but stopped immediately upon seeing Tucker sitting across from Olivia. Recognition covered Tuckers face and he immediately realized that this was the woman who was in fact bedding Olivia.

Busted.

" _Um… Captain Tucker…_ " Amanda swallowed hard, not knowing what to do, so she turned her focus on the other woman.

" _Olivia,_ " She said as calmly as she could. " _Are you okay?_ " She asked.

Olivia let out a breath as she had finally regained normalcy and tilted her head down, looking at her lap, where she'd just moments before moved her hand to.

" _It was just a mini-panic attack, I'm fine._ " She told Amanda, looking back up.

" _Benson!_ " called the barista, letting them know their drinks were ready. Amanda took this opportunity to leave the two, setting the bag down on the floor under the table and going to retrieve both coffees that Olivia had ordered.

Olivia looked at Tucker, biting her lip. She didn't know what to do.

Tucker swallowed. " _Remember how I said earlier that this conversation never happened?_ " He questioned her and she nodded with cautious eyes. " _It applies to right now as well… I didn't hear or see any of this._ " He told her sternly.

" _I um… thank you…_ " she whispered, still looking at him with caution.

" _You've been through enough. There's no reason for me to fuck things up for you further more…_ " Tucker told her and she closed her eyes in relief.

" _Tucker!_ " he heard the barista yell as the blonde came back to join them.

" _You take care of yourself, Olivia,_ " he told her calmly. " _It was nice to see you again Detective Rollins…_ " He nodded at her as he made his way to the counter to grab his coffee, then without looking back he was out the door.

Amanda took Tuckers spot in front of Olivia.

" _What the fuck just happened?_ " Amanda said in a mixture of confusion and shock.

Olivia huffed. " _Honestly?_ " she asked and Amanda nodded. " _I accidentally outed us to Tucker and he… he's gonna pretend like I didn't…_ " She had left out the part about beating Lewis on purpose because that was something she'd yet to tell Amanda. It wasn't a topic that she wanted to discuss right.

" _What?!_ " Amanda's eyes went big.

" _I… it's okay, he's not going to tell anyone…_ " Olivia tried to whisper calmly.

" _Why would he do that? Why would he be so nice all of the sudden?_ " Amanda asked.

" _I think he's pitying me… I mean I do look like I just got hit by a train…_ " Olivia stated. Then her face turned serious. " _I almost got you transferred or worse, fired. I'm sorry, God I'm so sorry…_ " Olivia said, standing up quickly and grabbing her coffee before walking quickly out the door.

Amanda picked up her coffee from the table and the bag off the floor that contained the newspapers and magazines and rushed to catch up to her girlfriend.

" _Olivia!_ " Amanda called, trying to get the brunette to slow down. She shouldn't be walking so quickly anyways, not with her injuries.

" _Hey,_ " Amanda said calmly, finally catching up with Olivia and blocking her path. " _Talk to me…_ " she said, ducking her head to try and make eye contact.

" _I don't know what to say right now…_ " Olivia told her silently. " _I'm sorry… I keep outing you to people…_ " Olivia told her honestly, on the verge of tears.

Amanda gave her a small smile and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, careful not to spill coffee on the older woman.

" _Come on,_ " Amanda said calmly. " _Let's go back to the hotel._ "

The younger woman could tell Olivia was still tensed up.

" _I don't care that you outed us to Tucker, or Fin… or anyone else that you talk to…_ " Amanda told her. Olivia gave her a confused look. " _All I care about right now, the number one thing I'm worried about at this moment is you. I want you to be okay. I'm not worried about my job or anything else. If I have to transfer out, so what? I'll be fine. But losing you, it's not something I can handle…_ " she told Olivia honestly.

Olivia looked down as a stray tear escaped.

" _Speaking of work, I wanted to let you know that Cragen approved my request for using some of my vacation days on short notice… for the next two weeks, I don't have to be at work unless you want me out of your hair._ "

They walked together and Olivia leaned over and kissed Amanda on the cheek.


	10. Squad Time

**I know, I know. I'm SO SORRY for the long wait. I've had a lot of work to do and both grandparents have been in the hospital. I've been super busy and I am sorry.**

As they reached the hotel room, Olivia walked in and collapsed gently on the bed. Amanda came in behind her, throwing both of their empty coffee cups in the small trash can and putting the bag of magazines and newspapers on the floor beside the night stand.

The bed felt nice underneath Olivia. She was tired, which said a lot about her body's current state. Usually she could go all day but since her various injuries, her body was giving up much quicker than normal.

The brunette took a deep breath and pushed herself up on her good arm, reaching for the pill bottle on the night stand.

She was going for the codeine. It was a pain pill that her doctor had prescribed for her. Normally, Olivia would shy away from excepting pain meds in pill form but she actually needed this one. It would help with the pain her ribs were giving her along with her broken wrist. Sometimes her head hurt from the concussion but she found most of her pain came from her bruised and broken bones.

The doctor had explained that it could take anywhere from three to six weeks for her ribs to heal. Olivia thought that was a very wide time gap but the doctor had helped her understand that ribs are different and each person heals differently. It was guaranteed that she'd have her cast on for at least six weeks though. This greatly annoyed her. Six weeks of having to wrap her cast up just to shower. And showers were something she craved right now.

There was no set amount of pain pills or a certain time that she was supposed to take them. He'd told her it depended on the amount of pain she was in as to whether she should take one or two pills, and that as long as she didn't go over the max number of pills to be taken in one day, she'd be fine.

She thought her current pain was a 'one pill' type of pain so she popped one in her mouth and swallowed, not having the energy to fetch a drink from the fridge. They almost reminded her of the pills Lewis had shoved down her throat but they weren't the same, they didn't look the same or taste the same, and that was the only thing that helped her not gag when she swallowed them.

Amanda had watched her girlfriend take the meds, understanding the older woman would soon be in some sort of high, or either fast asleep.

The blonde took her time searching for clothing in her bag. It was nearing late afternoon now. When she finally found the attire she was looking for, she spoke to Olivia.

The brunette was laying in the middle of the bed on her stomach, in the most comfortable way possible for her ribs. She hadn't even bothered to take her shoes off.

" _Liv_ ," Amanda called out lightly, walking around to stand in the direction that Olivia's head was facing so she could see the woman.

" _Mmhmm…_ " Olivia answered as her drug induced stated kicked in. Her eyes remained shut.

The younger woman smiled lightly.

" _There's a meeting tonight…_ " Amanda stated, referring to her gambling. " _I'd like to go…_ "

" _Kay…_ " Olivia replied, slowly beginning to drag her body up with her elbows so she could put her head on a pillow.

" _I'm gonna jump in the shower then I need to leave._ " Amanda tried again.

Olivia didn't answer.

" _Olivia?_ " she tried again.

" _Yeah…_ " the brunette replied, eyes still closed.

Amanda huffed. She should have said something sooner, before the meds kicked in. Now Olivia wasn't going to remember this conversation and she didn't need to be left alone.

Amanda took her clothes to the bathroom and showered. She needed to go to this meeting, she really did. It was something she couldn't miss. This whole thing with Olivia had really been difficult on her. She wanted to gamble. Her hands were itching to spend some money.

She was even contemplating seeing her therapist again. She had finally been able to stop for a little bit. She was doing great before all of this happened. Now, she just felt broken but she knew it was nothing compared to what Olivia was feeling. Amanda felt like she'd failed Olivia when she slipped up. Her attachment to Olivia was truly starting to scare her.

The blonde felt so many feelings towards Olivia. Sure, they'd said "I love you" before but that was when they were friends and they had both meant it as friends. Neither woman was fond of the 'L' word. Especially in that context and not the friendly one. It was something Amanda didn't want to think about right now. Both women had been through a lot in their lifetime so far.

Amanda let the hot water wash over her, trying to do anything but worry about the brunette passed out on the bed in the next room.

…

Olivia woke with a startle. She shot straight up in bed, which hurt significantly with her current injuries. The older woman was covered in sweat. She noticed that in her sleep, she must have managed to roll over on her back because she remembered gently face planting into the bed that afternoon. Olivia also noticed that her shoes had been removed and a blanket had been draped over her lower half.

Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure coming near her. The room was dark except for the small night light.

Her hand went instantly to her hip, forgetting she no longer carried a gun and badge. At least not right now. Her badge hadn't been taken from her but it was in evidence. Lewis had covered it in her own blood. At one point, Olivia had thought he was going to heat it up and burn her with it but he must have known out of all the scars she'd gain, that one would have been the one she'd wear proudly.

The figure moved cautiously towards her and she jumped, like a small child. She had no weapon, no defense. Her ears were ringing.

" _Olivia,_ " the voice called calmly.

She slammed her eyes shut and covered her face with her hands, hoping she was stuck in some twisted nightmare that she would wake up from any moment.

" _Olivia,_ " the voice said again. She could tell it was getting closer. Her face was now graced with hot tears.

" _Olivia… It's Fin…_ " The voice called and she finally recognized it.

She slowly lowered hands, carful of her casted wrist.

The brunette registered Fin's face as he reached the edge of the bed. He was approaching her with caution. Clearly, he realized she hadn't been fully aware of what was going on.

" _Baby girl, it's just me…_ " he whispered to her.

Olivia wiped her face the best she could.

" _Why are you here?_ " she questioned him, her voice still uneven. " _Where is Amanda?_ " Olivia asked, looking around and not being able to spot her girlfriend. She was trying to distract him from her mini meltdown but she was also truly concerned at why Amanda suddenly wasn't with her anymore.

Fin looked at her with concern as he cautiously sat down on the bed facing her. " _She went to a meeting. She tried to tell you she was going but you were too doped up… she knew you wouldn't have registered it so she called me to be with you…_ "

" _Okay…_ " Olivia believed him. She knew the pills could make her high and out of it.

She bit her bottom lip while she decided what to do next. She was going to opt for a shower, which was believable right now. He wouldn't think she needed a shower because of her assault, he'd think she needed a shower because she had been sweating in her sleep. Either way, a shower was needed.

" _I um… I'm gonna take a shower._ " She told him as glanced at the clock. It was around eight pm so of course it'd be dark out. Fin probably hadn't turned on a light because he hadn't wanted to interrupt her sleep. Sleep was something she was having trouble with, everyone knew it.

" _Hey,_ " he called to her lightly as she started to get up. Olivia stopped and looked at him. " _You okay?_ " he asked her, not wanting to push her but needing to show her support all in the same.

" _Yeah,_ " she told him, giving him a fake smile. " _Just lost my bearings for a minute. I'm good now…_ "

" _Aight…_ " Fin eyed her, not believing her for a minute but letting it slide. He wasn't gonna force her to talk if she didn't want to.

The truth was, Olivia had a lot on her mind. When she took the pills, she didn't dream but that didn't stop her from coming back to reality when she woke up. PTSD was a bitch and it made her moody.

Olivia headed into the bathroom and took a few minutes to wrap her cast up. It was a ritual that she was getting used to now.

Stepping under the hot water, she began to cry again. She didn't know why really. Maybe it was because she'd just almost had a panic attack for the second time today or maybe it was the fact that this was just beginning of her new journey and she was already tired of traveling it.

She didn't shower too long because she didn't want to concern Fin. There was no doubt in her mind that he wouldn't hesitate to come into the bathroom to her if he thought something was wrong.

She kept extra sweats in the bathroom now for when she needed these spontaneous showers. They were in the second drawer by the sink. She would be here for at least a month, might as well make herself at home.

Olivia put some ointment on her burns and wrapped her hair in a towel as she headed back into the bedroom in her sweats.

" _No way,_ " she told Fin sternly.

" _What?_ " Fin looked at her as if he was innocent.

" _No way in hell are we watching Pimp My Ride re-runs… change it._ " She instructed sternly. Fin was layed out on the couch, remote in hand.

" _I was only watching it while you were in the shower, Liv._ " He told her.

" _Right..._ " She didn't believe him because she knew better.

Olivia went and picked up the bag of magazines and papers that Amanda had gotten earlier. Sitting on the bed, she began going through them and organizing them as Fin channel surfed.

The brunette was surprised to find that not one newspaper or tabloid said anything bad about her. A few even called her a hero but she didn't want that title, she'd never wanted it. About half the magazines believed she beat Lewis while he was cuffed, the other half believed the story she fed to 1PP and IAB. Clearly, the department had a leak if they already knew this much of the story but she wasn't surprised. There was always a leak somewhere and it would get out eventually because when it went to trial, it'd be public record.

Ugh, the trial. She didn't even want to think about the trial. Olivia gathered all the magazines and papers and threw them back into the bag. There were a few magazines that Amanda had clearly picked up just for fun but Olivia would read them later.

She laid back on the bed, taking the towel away from her hair and throwing it towards the bathroom, getting comfy. Fin had landed on an episode of some singing show. She didn't think either one of them knew much about it but it did distract from the current situation at hand.

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

Olivia's eyebrows knitted in confusion.

" _You gave Amanda your key, right? And got another copy from down stairs?_ " she asked.

" _Yep,_ " Fin answered, hopping up to check the door, his hand on his gun at his hip out of habit.

Once he looked through the peephole, he glanced back at Olivia with a smile before opening the door wide.

" _Pizza's here!_ " Nick announced as he walked through the door carrying two large pizzas. Behind him, Munch walked in carrying three large two-liter cokes in a bag, paper plates, and some red solo cups.

Olivia's face lit up. She'd totally forgotten that she hadn't had much to eat today. Her stomach must be hungry but Olivia had completely ignored it.

" _Guys…_ " she gushed over them, standing up as quickly as her injuries would allow her.

Nick sat the pizzas down on the small table she had and walked over to her. He didn't initiate the hug, he knew she was reeling with PTSD so he waited until she put her arms around him first.

" _I miss my partner…_ " He whispered in her ear.

She pulled back and smiled at him.

" _I'll be back before you know it. Two months will fly by._ " She promised him, although she was still debating exactly how long she'd take leave. Officially the department gave her two months but she could take more if she wanted.

Nick turned around and walked back over to the table where Munch had sat down the pizza necessities.

" _Hey,_ " Much called to her, walking over. " _Where's my hug?_ " He asked jokingly but she knew what he was doing. John Munch was being cautious with her, giving her an option to continue the joke and turn him down if she didn't want to be touched but she didn't mind and threw her arms around his neck, mindful of her cast.

" _I love you, John Munch…_ " She whispered in his ear and his grip around her tightened slightly. He'd never admit it but he'd been scared shitless when she was taken.

He pulled back, his hands lingering on her shoulders. " _The feeling's mutual…_ " They smiled at each other. They were both becoming a bit misty eyed. This was the first-time John had really seen her since she was rescued. He hadn't come to the hospital. He couldn't. First of all, he was busy holding down the fort while Cragen took care of everything outside the one-six. And second of all, it would have been too much for the older man.

" _Amaro, I swear if that pizza has goddamned pineapples on it…_ " Fin started in and Olivia let out a laugh.

She loved them, all of them. They were her guys, her team. They had her back. She had clearly needed to be surrounded by people she loved right now and by people who loved her. They'd come to her rescue. Olivia didn't know if Fin had called them while she was showering or if they'd decided to come on their own but either way, she loved them for it.

" _Only on one of them…_ " Nick replied with a smile but Fin didn't look impressed.

Fin poured them all drinks and handed them out, telling Olivia to take her spot back on the bed and that they'd bring the food to her.

Nick and Munch got the plates, passing the pizza out. Nick tried to give Fin a piece of pineapple pizza on purpose which caused Fin to shudder and stick out his tongue.

Olivia let everyone know that she had a stash of paper towels by the mini fridge that would come in handy.

Fin and Munch took seats on the couch while Olivia took one side of the bed, sitting Indian style as comfortably as she could, and instructed nick to sit on the other side.

They all enjoyed their pizza and glanced at the TV from time to time.

" _So Olivia,_ " Munch started, looking at her over his glasses. " _How are things between you and the blonde?_ " He asked, raising his eyebrows up and down a few times.

" _Oh God…_ " Olivia whined, putting her face in her hand that wasn't attached to the cast.

He was picking at her, they all knew it. It was custom to give the one who was in a new relationship a hard time. Only Amanda and Olivia's relationship wasn't new, it just so happened that it was new to everyone else.

" _Does everyone in the one-six know?_ " Olivia asked lightly.

Munch smiled, Fin gave her a look, and Nick shrugged his shoulders as he continued to eat his pizza and stare at the TV.

" _Cragen knows too…_ " Nick piped up finally, looking at her. Nick had been with their captain when he discovered the pictures of the women together and the notes they'd written each other.

" _I'm aware…_ " she told him before she took another bite of pizza.

Nick reached over on the night stand to retrieve his coke for a sip before continuing.

" _He say something to you about it?_ " Nick asked. Olivia didn't fail to notice that Fin and Munch's ears had perked up, they were listening intently to the conversation.

" _We talked a bit…_ " Olivia replied, looking in Fin and Munch's direction, acknowledging that she knew they were keeping up with the conversation. "He's gonna turn the other cheek it seems…"

She wasn't going to mention him getting rid of evidence. She probably didn't have to, they were a tight squad. If she had to guess, she'd say they already knew what the captain had done for her.

" _That's good…_ " Fin commented, taking a bite of his pizza. He knew the last thing Olivia needed right now was another headache from 1PP.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia took a deep breath and sighed as her next sentence left her mouth. " _And Ed Tucker has decided to look the other way as well…_ "

A choking noise came from Fin. He was probably choking on his pizza because of the comment she'd just made about Tucker. Nick and John looked at her in surprise.

" _What?_ " Fin asked. Even though he was the only one who'd choked on food, it somehow seemed that he was also the only one who was currently able to form a sentence.

All that was left on Olivia's plate was pizza crusts and she didn't eat those so she pushed her plate to the end of the bed out of her way.

" _I accidentally outted myself and Amanda to him today when I saw him at Starbucks…_ " Olivia stated.

" _Oh shit…_ " was Fin's reply.

" _Yeah…_ " She told him in a huff. " _Then I had a panic attack and oddly enough, he knew what to do and tried to help me calm down…_ " Olivia made a confused face. It still surprised her at how Tucker had acted earlier.

" _You okay?_ " Nick asked.

" _Yeah… I'm fine…_ " She replied but it was her usual answer.

" _Is Amanda okay?_ " Munch spoke up.

" _I think so… she seemed okay. She was more worried about me than him but I don't know if she was putting on a show or not…_ " Olivia told the three men.

" _I don't trust him…_ " Nick told her firmly.

" _I usually don't either…_ " she replied. " _But he said some things to me today, things that I never pictured Tucker saying… he showed emotions that I didn't know he had…_ " She trailed off, thinking back to her run-in with him. " _Anyways… we both agreed that the conversation never happened, so none of this leaves this room…_ " She said sternly.

All men nodded. They all knew how to keep a secret.

They settled back into watching the TV show.

Soon enough, Amanda made her appearance.

Olivia hear the younger woman slide her room key in the door before she came in.

Amanda opened the door and shut it behind her. Turning around, she found four pairs of eyes focused on her.

" _Hi…_ " Olivia said softly.

" _Umm…_ " Amanda stuttered as she gazed around the room at everyone. She had expected Fin to still be there maybe, if Olivia hadn't woken up and sent him on her way, but she never expected the whole squad.

" _We brought your girlfriend pizza… it's over on the table if you want a slice…_ " John told her half joking around. He was trying to lighten the mood but it didn't work very well.

Amanda swallowed hard and cocked her head to the side, giving them a questioning look. Olivia could read her so well.

" _They all know, Amanda…_ " Olivia told the woman gently, contemplating whether she should get off the bed and make her way to the younger woman or not.

Amanda had told the brunette earlier that she didn't care who she'd outted them to, that she didn't care about her job and had only cared about Olivia, and that was true. But she didn't expect it to hit her this hard. It scared her. The possibility of their reactions scared her. Amanda had wanted everyone to find out later, way later, after the trial and after the Lewis stuff was partially behind them.

" _Everyone?_ " the blonde asked in a whispered, backing herself against the door behind her.

" _Cragen knows too…_ " John added.

" _Munch…_ " Olivia called to him, signaling him to stay quiet. She sensed Amanda wasn't okay with this.

" _Oh God,_ " Amanda put her hand over her mouth and her eyes instantly watered. She wasn't ready for him to find out about them, not yet. She had needed time to prepare. The man had been like a friendly father figure to her. He'd gotten her into meetings, he hadn't let her spiral. " _You already told him?_ " Amanda asked directly towards Olivia. " _Did you tell them I relapsed too?_ " she asked almost accusingly.

John took it upon himself to defend Olivia. " _We found the photos and notes in the apartment… It wasn't that hard to figure out…_ " but it only added more to Amanda's wound.

" _Munch!_ " Olivia stated sternly, letting him know that if he said more, there'd be hell to pay from her. She didn't want Amanda feeling attacked.

" _Wait, you relapsed?_ " Nick asked softly.

" _Nick!_ " Olivia said quickly, whipping her head to her right.

" _Oh fuck…_ " Amanda whispered, running a hand through her hair as she realized her mistake.

" _Guys, come on…_ " Olivia gave the warning strongly.

Amanda closed her eyes briefly before turning around and opening the door to leave.

" _Amanda!_ " Olivia called out, wincing as she hurriedly got off the bed and headed towards the blonde.

" _We weren't trying to be rude…_ " Munch told her lightly but she already knew that.

She cast Munch and Nick an annoyed look as she walked towards the door that was quickly closing behind her girlfriend. She wasn't upset with them, they hadn't meant any harm and they probably hadn't known how frail Amanda currently was with everything going on.

" _Thanks for the help…_ " she mumbled to Fin as she passed by him. He threw his hands up in defense.

" _I'm partnered with her… I aint sayin' anything that's gonna get my ass in hot water with her when she comes back from her vacation days…_ " Fin explained. Olivia cast him an unimpressed look as she walked out of the room.

" _Hey…_ " Olivia tried to call out to Amanda who was halfway down the hall by now. " _Amanda, stop!_ " she half yelled but the blonde wasn't slowing down.

" _I can't chase after you… not with my injuries…_ " Olivia said softly and that did the trick. Amanda stopped dead in her tracks.

The blonde turned around, looking to Olivia. There were tear marks down her face. So that's why she had fled the room. She hadn't wanted to guys to see her cry.

" _Oh, baby…_ " Olivia called softly as she finally caught up with the younger woman. " _What's wrong? What's going on?_ " The brunette asked.

Amanda shook her head lightly and wiped her face with her sleeves.

" _It's just a lot…_ " Amanda replied.

Olivia placed her non-casted hand on Amanda's left shoulder.

" _They support us… you gotta know that. Even if they didn't, it'd be okay…_ " Olivia tried, vaguely aware that they were standing in the middle of the hotel hallway and that someone could come down the hall at any moment.

" _You're telling me Cragen supports this?_ " Amanda asked, gesturing between the two of them.

" _Of course he does, he'll support me in whatever I do. That goes for you too._ " Olivia told her, pulling her in for a soft hug, being careful of her cast and ribs. " _He supports us, but on paper, he doesn't know about us… he did some things for me with the case, with the pictures and evidence… or lack thereof…_ " Olivia said.

Amanda nodded. She kind of got what Olivia was saying but she didn't really care to have her clarify it. She was focused on being out to the entire squad. She hated that phrase "coming out". Amanda wasn't even sure if she qualified as a lesbian. Maybe bisexual? Maybe pansexual? She didn't know and she didn't really care about that either. All she knew is that her feeling for Olivia were real.

The brunette held her girlfriend tightly.

After a few seconds, Amanda pulled back.

" _I need to go…_ " She told Olivia.

" _No, you don't._ " Olivia replied quickly and firmly.

" _I do… you go hang out with the guys. I'm gonna go for a run… maybe hit up another meeting._ "

" _No._ " Olivia stated. She was scared now. She didn't like the thought of Amanda leaving, not when Amanda had just freaked out.

" _Yes,_ " Amanda replied.

" _Babe… don't do this…_ " Olivia whispered to the younger woman.

" _I'm not doing anything._ " Amanda promised with a small smile, linking her hands with Olivia's. " _I'm going to go take a breather. I can't walk back into that room, not right now._ "

" _I'll make them leave._ " Olivia told her.

" _No,_ " Amanda stated. " _You're going to go back in there and enjoy your time with them. I am going to get myself and my thoughts together._ " She told Olivia firmly, giving the older woman's hands a squeeze. " _I need to process this… you gotta remember the last time something got out about my personal life, it was my sexual assault with Patton and my last squad tore me apart. It's why I moved here… I know the guys aren't like that but… I just need some time, okay?_ " Amanda did her best to explain her feelings to her girlfriend.

Olivia was now getting misty eyed.

" _Come back to me?_ " she whispered in question.

" _Always,_ " Amanda replied. Olivia leaned in to kiss the younger woman. It was a nice gentle kiss that lasted a few moments, still no tongue though.

" _I'm going to come back later on tonight, I promise._ " The blonde told her.

Olivia huffed. She had no choice but to let Amanda go. The woman needed to be alone and Olivia had to let her. There would be times when Olivia needed alone time as well and she would have to trust Amanda to do the same for her.

The brunette leaned in once more, kissing Amanda's forehead before letting her go and watching her head towards the elevators.

Olivia gave her a sad smile and she stood and waited for her girlfriend to board the elevator.

The older woman didn't start back towards her hotel door until Amanda was gone.

Once Olivia arrived at the door, she cursed herself because she realized she'd locked herself out. Grabbing her room key hadn't even occurred to her when she had chased after the blonde.

Olivia sighed as she knocked on her own door.

" _Guys… I need you to let me back in… I locked myself out…_ " she told them. Olivia heard feet shuffling and someone coming to the door but it didn't immediately open.

" _What's the password?_ " Fin asked through the door. She could hear all three of the men snickering and she rolled her eyes. They were like children sometimes.

Olivia propped her good hand up on her hip.

" _Odafin Tutuola,_ " she started, her voice strong. " _If you don't open this door, I'm gonna tell the guys how you brought me one of Amanda's thongs to wear._ " But it didn't matter, she said it loud enough so that they could all here her.

Loud laughter erupted from somewhere inside the room as Fin quickly opened the door. His lips were pressed in a thin line and he gave her an unimpressed look.

" _That aint cool…_ " he replied lowly. Olivia smiled at him as she walked through the door, enjoying his embarrassment.

 **I'm sorry I changed the story up and made a new one. I needed to fix it though, it was bothering me pretty badly and distracting me from writing. Please don't hate me.**


	11. Flashback 1

**Trigger warning bc Olivia talks about some things Lewis did.**

As Amanda entered Olivia's hotel room at nearly two in the morning, she was surprised to see the brunette sitting in bed under the covers with the lamp beside her on. Olivia had her glasses on and she was engulfed in a book. It was something Fin had brought her. Kristin Hannah was one of her favorite authors but with her job and chaotic life, she hadn't had much time to read many of Hannah's books. Now, while she was on leave seemed as good of time as any to pick back up on her reading.

Olivia looked at Amanda from over the top of her glasses.

" _You're still up…_ " Amanda observed, standing in the middle of the room.

Olivia shrugged, now lifting her head up and ridding herself of her glasses. " _I took a long nap this afternoon and I wanted to wait up for you. You okay?_ "

" _Yeah…_ " Amanda answered. " _I'm good._ "

" _C'mere,_ " Olivia requested lightly with a small smile.

The younger woman walked over to her girlfriend and Olivia put her glasses and book on the night stand.

It was clear Olivia had been asking for a kiss, so Amanda leaned down to make contact with her lips.

Just as their lips touched, Olivia jumped back slightly. Her eyes dilated and fogged over. Amanda knew instantly the woman was in a flashback.

The blonde stayed still and tried to calmly talk to Olivia. Freaking out now would do neither of them any good.

" _Olivia…_ " Amanda tried calmly. " _Olivia, it's Amanda. Can you hear me?_ "

" _I… no, please…_ " Olivia mumbled incoherently, backing up against the headboard of the bed.

Amanda shut her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. She didn't know what her girlfriend was seeing but she knew it was bad and was almost certain it had something to do with Lewis.

" _Olivia, you're having a flashback…_ " Amanda told her calmly. " _Whatever you're seeing, it's not real…_ "

Olivia's hand flew to her chest and she touched her burns through her shirt.

" _Olivia, it's Amanda. I'm right here with you. We're in your hotel room…_ " Amanda reminded her calmly. She knew how to handle flashbacks. She'd had several herself and was also trained just as Olivia had been. She knew to constantly use the victim's first name, to talk in a calming manor, and to remind them of their whereabouts until they were out of the flashback.

" _Amanda?_ " Olivia whimpered. Her tears had begun to fall.

" _Yeah, it's me, Liv. I'm right here with you… I'm gonna sit down on the edge of the bed, okay?_ " Amanda asked but she didn't really wait for a reply, she slowly sat down anyways.

Olivia must have felt the bed dip slightly because she turned her head towards Amanda. The brunette's eyes were still dilated but no longer cloudy or foggy. It was clear she was coming out of the flashback.

" _Amanda…_ " Olivia whispered as she closed her eyes and wiped her face, sniffling.

" _Hey… you back with me?_ " Amanda asked gently, still not reaching out to touch Olivia. She would wait for Olivia to make contact.

" _Um… yeah, yeah I'm here…_ " she whispered as she ran a hand through her now messy hair, embarrassed at what had just happened. " _Fuck, that was bad…_ "

Now that Amanda saw Olivia was fully back, she tried to scoot closer to the woman on the bed, she still wasn't going to touch her but Olivia quickly held up a hand, gesturing for her to stop.

And Amanda did. She stopped dead in her tracks, letting Olivia take the lead.

" _I… You need to go shower._ " Olivia told her.

" _What?_ " Amanda was completely confused.

" _My trigger… I think it was the cigarettes. You smell like cigarettes. I'm not knocking you for smoking, I'm not. I know you only do it occasionally when you're stressed but…_ " Olivia fumbled over her own words and Amanda quickly left the bed, backing away from Olivia.

" _Oh my God,_ " Amanda said, putting her hand on her forehead. " _I didn't even think. How stupid of me…_ " The blonde closed her eyes tightly. She knew Olivia had been burned with cigarettes. The older woman would probably never want to see or smell another cigarette in her life.

" _It's okay,_ " Olivia told her calmly, with loving eyes but Amanda was visibly upset with herself. " _Baby, it's okay… just go shower._ "

" _I'm so sorry, Olivia._ " Amanda stated, nearly in tears. She could see Olivia was still shaking but the brunette was doing her best to put on a brave face.

" _You didn't know…_ " Olivia cooed. " _Go shower, I'll still be here when you get out._ " She promised.

Amanda bit her lip, hesitating briefly before heading into the bathroom and shutting the door. She felt terrible. She'd just caused Olivia pain, she'd caused her to flashback.

The younger woman started the shower to let the water get warm and then she stripped herself of her jacked, shoes, socks, shirt, jeans, and underwear. There was already a plastic bag in the bathroom. They'd brought Olivia some toiletries in it.

Amanda grabbed it and started stuffing her clothes in it, including her jacket. She knew they didn't strongly smell of smoke but she wanted them closed up in the bag anyways. The smallest scent would be a trigger for her girlfriend. Amanda hadn't even grabbed a change of clothes as she went into the bathroom for fear of cross contamination. Then she stepped in the shower, making sure to scrub every inch of herself to remove any traces of smoke.

Amanda silently wondered if Olivia was out in the bedroom calling Fin. She wanted to be jealous of their relationship. Not because she thought it had romantic tendencies but because they were so close. She knew Olivia told Fin things that she didn't tell her. Olivia could be so open with Fin sometimes and that hurt but she wouldn't complain about it. Olivia needed to be open with someone, she needed to have someone she could go to when something like this happened, and if that someone was Fin, then so be it. Amanda loved her work partner for being there for her romantic partner. She just wished Olivia could be that open with her sometimes but she understood this was all a process.

However, in the bedroom, Olivia wasn't talking to Fin on the phone. She did send him a quick text though.

" _ **Cigarettes are a trigger, spread the word.**_ "

She wanted him to tell the rest of the squad so she wouldn't have to. Nick never smoked but Munch had cigars sometimes as well as their captain. Olivia wasn't sure cigar smoke would have the same effect on her but she didn't want to chance it. She knew they wouldn't either.

He'd replied almost instantly, like he had gone home and been waiting on her to call or text him.

" _ **Done. You okay? Need me to call you?**_ " he'd replied.

" _ **Don't call. I'm fine. Amanda is with me.**_ " She text him. Olivia didn't know if he'd figure out that Amanda had come back and triggered her or not. She wasn't sure Fin knew his partner smoked occasionally.

" _ **Blondie trigger you?**_ " she read his next text. Well, obviously he'd figured it out. Olivia rolled her eyes at herself for thinking he wouldn't. They were both detectives, she should have known better.

On top of that, Fin had spent a lot of time with Amanda while Lewis had Olivia. She wouldn't have been surprised if Amanda had gone through more than a pack a day with everything that had happened.

" _ **Yeah but everything is fine.**_ " Olivia promised him.

" _ **Aight, you got my number. Use it if you need to.**_ " He'd text back. She didn't bother replying and she knew he wouldn't really expect her to.

She'd discovered her first trigger and it was going to be a bitch. If Olivia hadn't still been reeling from her flashback, she would have been annoyed. Cigarette smoke? Really? Of course it had to be one of the most common things on the planet let alone in New York City. You can't walk down a street without someone smoking somewhere.

They'd been out earlier that morning. It made Olivia wonder why she'd flashed back now and not earlier but then again, triggers and flashbacks are odd like that. Maybe it was because it was so up close and personal, Amanda had been in her face. She'd smelled and tasted of cigarettes. All Olivia could do was hope that that was it, that it had happened because she'd been so up close and personal.

If she honestly was going to be triggered every time she smelled cigarettes, she'd never be able to leave her room again. The flashback had been rough. It was Lewis talking to her, whispering things to her as he burned her with cigarettes. Her hands were still shaking as she got up and went to search through Amanda's bag. Olivia was looking for the blonde's perfume that she sometimes wore.

Once she found it, she sprayed it in the air, on the bed, and on herself. Maybe it was too much but she would buy Amanda another bottle at a later date. If the smell of cigarettes was going to be her trigger, then maybe their new thing could be buying each other perfume that they liked. Olivia would wear some here and there and Amanda was the same way but that could change now.

Olivia heard the shower shut off and in a couple of minutes, she heard the sink running. Amanda was probably brushing her teeth. Olivia knew her girlfriend felt bad.

And Amanda was indeed in the bathroom brushing her teeth, she brushed them for longer than she normally would, wanting to make sure that she got rid of all the smoke smell and taste. She even popped a mint in her mouth after that and ate it.

Because Amanda hadn't carried clothes with her, she exited the bathroom in a white poofy robe. It was Olivia's but she knew Olivia wouldn't mind. Her hair was also up on top of her head in a towel.

The brunette had gotten back on the bed and was now laying under the covers on her left side, looking at Amanda expectantly when she had opened the bathroom door.

Amanda smelled her perfume in the air but declined to comment. She walked to where she'd been keeping her clothing, grabbed what she needed, and looked up to see if Olivia's eyes had followed her to the other side of the room.

When Amanda saw her girlfriend's back was still turned towards her, she decided she'd dress quickly where she was. Amanda knew Olivia was uncomfortable undressing in front of her and she wanted to give Olivia the same courtesy. They'd both been periodically changing in the bathroom since being at the hotel.

The blonde had opted for some panties, sleep shorts, and a baggy, soft t-shirt. She had removed the towel before putting her clothing on and threw the white robe on the couch.

Amanda silently walked to the right side of the bed, the same side of the bed she'd been occupying every time she and Olivia had ended up in a bed together. She slipped under the covers and laid on her right side, facing the wall and away from Olivia.

The brunette felt the bed dip and turned over to see Amanda had opted not to face her so Olivia scooted over until she was at the blonde's back.

" _Hey…_ " Olivia said softly, announcing her presence and putting a hand on top of Amanda's hip under the covers.

Amanda didn't reply but leaned back slightly, signaling that she was listening to what Olivia was saying.

" _You're not to blame in this… This isn't on you…_ " Olivia told her, squeezing Amanda's hip under her hand.

Amanda shut her eyes tightly but Olivia couldn't see that.

" _I know everything is his fault, but I should have been smarter… more careful. I wasn't thinking…_ " Amanda whispered to Olivia. " _I'm sorry…_ "

Olivia tugged at the younger woman's hip. " _Roll over for me, babe… come here…_ " Olivia said softly.

Amanda opened her eyes and complied. She rolled over to her left and Olivia immediately pulled Amanda into her embrace. Each laying on their sides, facing each other. Olivia's arms were wrapped around the younger woman's shoulders and Amanda wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist lightly, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

" _I'm fine, Amanda._ " Olivia promised her, turning her head slightly to kiss Amanda on the cheek. Amanda only snuggled into her shoulder more.

Olivia technically was fine in this particular moment.

The brunette rubbed her girlfriend's back.

They stayed like that for a while, both remaining quiet. Olivia held Amanda close. It was nearing three o'clock in the morning now but neither woman wanted to sleep.

They knew each other was still awake because one would move every now and then to reassure the other. Olivia would rub Amanda's back periodically. Amanda would snuggle her face deeper into the older woman's shoulder.

Occasionally, Olivia would plant a kiss on the side of Amanda's head.

It was nice. They were silently bonding. Olivia felt safe and comfortable. It was the calm after the storm, the storm being her flashback.

Eventually, Olivia pulled back and rested her head on her pillow, remaining on her side to face the blonde. Amanda mirrored Olivia's movements.

" _I'm working on talking about it, on talking about things with you… I want to do that._ " Olivia told her softly and Amanda nodded her head in response.

" _It's hard for me, I think because I don't want you to have these images in your head of what I went through, of what he did to me…_ " Olivia continued. Both women had avoided saying Lewis' name so far tonight.

Amanda looked at her intently. " _Did you umm… did you call Fin while I was in the shower?_ " she asked. It was a light question. She hadn't meant anything by it but it stung Olivia. The words hit her with force. Olivia realized that the blonde now expected Olivia to go to Fin with her problems instead of Amanda, and it hurt her to know the blonde had grown to expect this. She didn't want it to be this way.

" _No._ " Olivia answered strongly. It wasn't a lie. Technically, she didn't call him but now she wasn't going to admit to Amanda that she'd text him unless the blonde flat out asked.

Amanda stayed silent, accepting Olivia's answer.

" _In the flashback, he was burning my chest… taunting me with cigarettes. He burned my skin, then would take a drag and swear he could taste me on the cigarette…_ " Olivia whispered to Amanda. She hadn't planned on telling Amanda what the flashback had been about but now she had decided to at least try. Amanda's comment about Fin really threw her off.

The younger woman continued to stare at Olivia as she talked about the flashback. This was something Amanda had craved. She needed the brunette to be open with her.

Olivia took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Amanda reached out her hands, grasping Olivia's in her own for encouragement. The older woman finally opened her eyes again and continued.

" _The flashback is one of the many memories that I'll forever had engraved in my brain… I can still smell my flesh burning. It makes me nauseous sometimes just thinking about it…_ "

Amanda had tears in her eyes. They slowly rolled down her face and onto the pillow beneath her head. It pained her to know that Olivia had suffered so much and was still suffering. Olivia saw her girlfriend's tears but ignored them. It was the only way she could keep talking.

" _He smelled of cigarettes and that stupid energy drink that he always had a ridiculous amount of on hand…_ " Olivia continued. " _Anyways… the flashback was short. You saw for yourself, it only lasted a minute, maybe two tops… I'm okay._ " She promised Amanda once more.

" _I'm never smoking again._ " Amanda whispered. Olivia mustered up a small smile, breaking their hands that had been joined together so she could reach up and wipe Amanda's tears away. Then she rested her left hand on Amanda's right cheek.

" _You don't have to quit… I'd rather you smoke than gamble…_ " Olivia confessed. " _That is all you did tonight, right?_ " The brunette inquired. She had wondered what the young woman had been up to since she'd left.

" _I didn't gamble… I went through three-fourths of a pack of cigarettes though… They're in the car and I'm getting rid of them tomorrow. I'm gonna take the car to get it cleaned too. It probably smells like smoke._ " Amanda told her, turning her head to the right slightly so she could plant a kiss in Olivia's palm.

Olivia huffed. She wanted to disagree but the car would need to be cleaned if it smelled like smoke. She wouldn't be able to handle it.

The brunette slid her hand up to move Amanda's hair out of her face. Then she ran her hand through Amanda's hair, weaving her fingers through the blonde strands as she went. When Olivia's hand made it to the back of Amanda's head, she impulsively pulled Amanda in for a kiss. One of Olivia's favorite things had been to kiss the younger woman and that hadn't changed. The kiss was loving and gentle. Amanda had allowed Olivia to take the lead, something that she would be doing from now on, or at least until Olivia stated otherwise.

Olivia surprised both of them by sticking her tongue out against Amanda's lips, seeking entrance into her mouth. Amanda opened her mouth, gasping in surprise and Olivia took this opportunity to enter.

Amanda tasted like a mixture of her tooth paste and mints. It was nice and much better than Olivia had expected. There wasn't a single trace of the taste of cigarettes.

Slowly, Olivia lifted her right hand and placed it on the left side of Amanda's face, holding her steady as their tongues swirled. Amanda held in a moan, fearing what Olivia's reaction might be. The blonde had placed her hands on Olivia's arms, letting them rest there. She knew not to touch the older woman unless Olivia initiated it.

After a few more seconds, Olivia pulled back. She was slightly out of breath but not by much.

" _Wow…_ " Amanda whispered as Olivia laid back down on her pillow.

" _It's progress…_ " Olivia whispered back.

" _It's a lot of progress._ " Amanda replied, giving Olivia a small smile.

Olivia reached out, signaling for Amanda to snuggle into her right side. The younger woman rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and wrapped her right arm around Olivia's stomach.

" _I've been worried about kissing with tongue…_ " Olivia confided in Amanda. " _Lewis shoved his down my throat so many times. It was gross, disgusting. He tasted of cigarettes and that fucking energy drink…._ " Olivia stated, using his name for the first time that night.

Amanda swallowed and hugged Olivia tighter now that she realized Olivia was going to tell her more about what had happened.

" _I was scared kissing you like that would trigger me, but I've already been triggered tonight. They don't usually come so closely together so I figured I'd chance it. I guess it isn't a trigger after all…_ " The brunette told her. She'd thought she would be able to figure out what her triggers would be because she'd been a SVU detective for so long, she'd seen many things and knew how being a victim worked but she was wrong.

" _I miss you, Olivia._ " Amanda said in a small voice. It broke Olivia's heart. She knew she'd been different after the attack. Things that were once so easy for them were now significantly hard.

" _I know, baby._ " Olivia replied and sighed. " _I have an appointment tomorrow with the therapist, Dr. Lindstrom. I'll be going regularly, three times a week for now. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays._ " Olivia told her. " _I'm gonna get my head together. It's gonna take some time, but I'll be back to my old self or as close to it as possible._ "

Olivia's hand drew lazy circles on Amanda's back up under her t-shirt. Her skin was warm and soft. Amanda was very much enjoying Olivia's touch.

The blonde leaned up slowly, gazing at Olivia with lust filled eyes.

" _Can I have another kiss?_ " she asked.

" _Of course,_ " Olivia replied, smiling slightly.

Amanda dipped down and kissed Olivia, who's hand continued to run up and down Amanda's back. At first it was several pecks. Then it turned into longing kisses. Finally, Olivia's tongue slipped into Amanda's mouth once more. It's exactly what Amanda had wanted but she'd never initiate it. Olivia was in charge here.

After a couple of minutes of making out, Amanda was flushed and Olivia pulled back.

Amanda wiped her mouth and looked at the clock. It was getting very late… or rather early in the morning.

" _We need to go to bed. You have an appointment and I got things to do tomorrow._ " The blonde said as she sat up and proceeded to get off the bed.

" _Where you going?_ " Olivia questioned in confusion.

" _Bathroom. I gotta pee and brush my teeth, then we can sleep…_ " Amanda told her lightly as she turned on her heels and headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and instantly turning on the faucet.

The brunette saw straight through Amanda's lie. The blonde might have to pee, but she knew for a fact that Amanda had already brushed her teeth. Olivia knew exactly what Amanda had gone into the bathroom for.

Olivia felt her belly become warm and stir with tiny butterflies. She wasn't fully turned on but she felt something, which was a lot to her. It meant she could still get turned on, which meant that she'd probably be able to work up to sex at some point.

After a few minutes, Amanda came out of the bathroom, her face was a bit flushed. She walked over to her side of the bed and got under the covers. Olivia reached up to turn the side table lamp off.

Now the only light in the room was the night light Fin had brought her.

Olivia scooted over to Amanda, wrapping her arms around the younger woman's midsection.

" _I can't go to sleep with arms around me but I think I'll be okay putting my arms around you._ " Olivia told her. She felt Amanda nod in front of her.

The brunette leaned in closer, resting her chin on Amanda's left shoulder.

" _And Amanda?_ " Olivia called to her.

" _Hmm?_ " Amanda replied.

" _Some time in the future,_ " the older woman whispered, " _I'd like to watch you do what you just did in that bathroom…_ " Olivia finished her statement off by planting a gentle kiss on Amanda's neck.

Olivia didn't need the lights to be on to know that Amanda's face had instantly turned red.

" _I…_ " Amanda started but she didn't know what to say.

" _It's fine. You have needs and I'm so fucking happy I can still turn you on to that degree…_ " Olivia told her silently. " _You don't have to hide that from me… ever… don't feel bad because you were turned on or because you needed to get off…_ "

Amanda swallowed hard but leaned back into Olivia more.

" _I can't wait to have you underneath me again… it's going to take a lot of therapy and it might be a long time, but it'll happen eventually… I promise._ " Olivia said strongly, kissing the top of Amanda's shoulder.

Amanda's hands reached down to cover Olivia's and give them a gentle squeeze.

" _I believe you… but even if it doesn't happen… if you can't… I'll still be here._ " Amanda whispered, turning over slightly to look at Olivia with loving eyes. " _Sex or no sex, it's not a deal breaker. I'm here to stay…_ "

It was now Olivia's turn to have tears in her eyes. There was a small part of her that didn't want to believe Amanda because the younger woman had yet to see what Lewis had done to her body.

She sniffled and looked at Amanda's lips before leaning in and kissing her tenderly.

" _So, there's this 'L' word that people keep throwing between us…_ " Olivia whispered. " _I know neither of us like the word and I'm not gonna say it right now… but I just want you to know I'm feeling it._ "

Amanda smiled and leaned in to kiss Olivia. The blonde knew exactly the word that Olivia was referring to.

" _Are you okay with that?_ " Olivia asked lightly. There was a small fear in the back of her head that she shouldn't have said that, that maybe she'd just scared Amanda.

" _Yeah… the feeling's mutual._ " The blond replied, then turned back around and snuggled back into Olivia's embrace.

They were taking baby steps in trying to get their relationship back on track. They would have to start out slowly, but watching Amanda masturbate seemed like the perfect first step to Olivia.

She wouldn't have to worry about flashing back from being touched a certain way, all she'd have to do is sit and watch as her girlfriend touched herself and came unglued at the seams.

 **Thoughts?**


	12. Flowers

**It's been a while, I'm sorry. Final projects are due and exams are approaching. On a positive note, I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL. I'm officially starting a program in the fall to be a therapist for rape victims and victims of sexual assault and abuse. As some of you already know, I work with rape victims now but I can't actually do the therapy part. I can sit in, help with assessments and work the rape crisis line but I only have a bachelor's degree. Soon I'll have my master's though! Olivia Benson/Mariska Hargitay has totally been my inspiration and I am so very happy right now.**

 **This is a long chapter to make up for my absence.**

 **Trigger warning for some things mentioned in her therapy session.**

 **Enjoy.**

They went to sleep with Olivia holding Amanda but during the night, they'd drifted apart. Olivia hadn't slept good, she'd had bad dreams but not bad enough to wake her. There had been a 'Do Not Disturb' sign tapped to the door since Olivia had gotten there, so no maid or anyone would wake them or come by ever, unless they had been requested.

Olivia had been the first to wake up. She left Amanda in bed while she went into the bathroom to dress and shower. She was getting increasingly tired of her cast and it was only the first week. She hated having to wrap it up in order to not get it wet, even though she'd done it several times now and was beginning to do it in record time. Olivia also hated that she couldn't do much with her left hand. The cast incased her entire wrist and was wrapped around her thumb to keep it in place. She still had use of her fingers for the most part, but she had to be careful because moving the wrong way really hurt.

The brunette was trying not to think about her therapy meeting. She was nervous and not looking forward to it at all.

Olivia decided to wait a little bit before blow drying her hair, not wanting to wake the blonde up. She dressed in dark blue jeans and a loose fitted shirt. Her ribs were still sore but Fin had been able to locate her soft sports bra from when she'd sent him back to her apartment so she wore that.

She had barely worn make-up since the incident. When she did, it was mostly to cover up bruises and marks that she didn't want others to see. Today, she still wore no make-up on her face, except to make her black and blue eye look less black and blue.

Her busted lip had healed fast. It was practically like normal now, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to kiss Amanda yesterday.

The stitches above her eyebrow were luckily the kind that you could get wet, and the kind that came off in time once the wound had healed and the skin was beginning to grow new cells. So far, it didn't look like the stitches would be coming off any time soon. The area was blue-ish brown but Olivia couldn't put any make up around this wound.

Olivia came out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped around her head. She was in search of her sling and her cell phone. She needed to text Fin and take him up on his offer to drive her to therapy. She didn't feel like making the walk and she wasn't sure she could get in Amanda's vehicle with it smelling like smoke, even though she was pretty sure Amanda wouldn't even let her try it.

Opening the bathroom door, she saw the blonde was awake but still lying in bed.

Olivia gave Amanda a small smile as she grabbed her phone from the night stand and sent a text to Fin.

" _You look nice…_ " Amanda told her.

Olivia rolled her eyes, walked over to the couch, looking for her sling. " _I look like I was hit by a train…_ "

" _You still look good…_ " Amanda trailed off as Olivia bent over beside the couch, looking and finding her sling had fallen on the floor.

" _Amanda… I can feel you staring at my ass…_ " Olivia told the younger woman, as she tried to detach the velcro of the sling from the carpet.

It was true, Amanda was staring at Olivia's ass. She couldn't help it. Olivia's jeans hugged her curves perfectly.

Olivia finally got the sling out of the carpet and stood up straight, turning around and cocking an eyebrow at the blonde, catching her in the act.

" _Shit… I'm sorry, Liv… I didn't mean…_ " Amanda was stumbling over her words as she said up in bed. " _I don't want that…_ " she emphasized.

Now, Olivia raised both eyebrows at the blonde, who was only digging herself into a deeper hole.

" _I mean I do want you of course, but not like that now… I mean…_ " Amanda stammered.

" _Amanda?_ " Olivia called.

" _Yeah?_ " Amanda huffed.

" _Hush…_." Olivia told the younger woman with a smile. " _I'm joking with you. Stare at my ass all you want, baby. And don't be afraid to tell me you still want it…_ " Olivia told her. Then the brunette became more serious, " _It'll help more with my healing process…_ " she confessed in a smaller voice.

" _Me staring at your ass?_ " Amanda questioned in confusion.

" _No…_ " Olivia walked over to the bed, sitting at the foot of it and putting her sling beside her. " _Telling me you still want me… it helps me…_ " The older woman hated to admit this, but she did.

A concerned look passed over Amanda's face before she gently got up and crawled over to Olivia, sitting on her knees beside the brunette. Amanda was still in her sleep shorts and t-shirt.

Olivia knew the conversation had become all too serious for her not being away even an hour yet and she didn't like it.

Amanda took Olivia's good hand in her own, bringing it to her lips and planting a kiss on it.

" _Are you really doubting whether I still want you or not?_ " Amanda asked her lightly.

" _I'm trying like hell not too, I really am. I don't want to but he put things in my head._ " Olivia told the younger woman, keeping their hands clasped between them. " _I've already told you I'm fucked up, babe. And not just physically… he played with my mind, did things and said things… it's bad, Amanda, it's real bad…_ " Olivia said, looking defeated.

She was psychologically damaged. William Lewis had whispered things to her when she was sober and when she was drunk, things that are still repeated in the back of her mind sometimes. She hated it and she hated that she couldn't control it.

Olivia took the towel off her head with her hurt wrist, which hurt a bit but she ignored the pain, running her hand through her hair twice trying to tame the brown locks.

" _Okay, alright._ " Amanda told her, giving her hand a light squeeze. " _I'm still attracted to you… if it's hard for you to believe… just think about what happened last night…_ " and with that, Amanda's face went red.

Olivia smiled, trying not to laugh at her girlfriend's embarrassment.

Amanda let out a small laugh anyways though.

" _I love your ass…_ " Amanda started. " _I love how big it is, how firm it is from all the years of you chasing and busting perps…_ "

" _Oh my god, Amanda!_ " Olivia began to laugh now, thankful that the blonde was lightening the tone.

" _I love how your jeans fit perfectly, how your hips sway when you walk…_ "

Olivia pulled her hand away from Amanda's and swatted at her lightly. They were both laughing now.

" _I loved it even more when you wore that red lacy edible thong that I got you, it fit your ass perfectly and remember when you-_ " Amanda spoke but was cut off with Olivia clasping her hand over the younger woman's mouth.

" _No! No, that's good… That's good, Amanda…_ " Olivia laughed and Amanda was laughing too beneath her girlfriend's hand. " _I remember that time well… and we don't need to talk about it…._ " Olivia was smiling like an idiot as she removed her hand from Amanda's face.

Amanda's face was beat red. No doubt she was embarrassed, but she was powering through her embarrassment to make light of the situation, to make Olivia laugh. All she wanted was for her girlfriend to be okay.

Their laughter died down as Olivia's phone dinged. She got up to see who it was. It was Fin confirming that he would pick her up shortly, that she better be ready because he was taking her to get something to eat first.

Olivia rolled her eyes at his over protectiveness.

" _What?_ " Amanda asked, looking at Olivia from her spot on the bed.

" _It's Fin, he's coming to pick me up… early because he's going to feed me…_ " Olivia huffed.

" _Good._ " Amanda replied with a smile.

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _Not you too…_ "

" _You gotta eat… take advantage of him… you've got him wrapped around your pinky right now. Make him take you to IHOP or something…_ " The blonde knew Olivia loved to eat there but that she barely ever went.

Olivia pursed her lips together in thought. That wasn't such a bad idea come to think of it but Olivia wasn't in the mood for it. Especially since she was having major anxiety about therapy. She didn't think she'd be able to eat much.

The brunette went back into the bathroom to blow dry her hair as Amanda stayed out in the bedroom getting dressed. She didn't need a shower since she'd taken one before bed.

Amanda had errands to run. She needed to take the car to get detailed and cleaned. She might as well take it to get serviced too and she needed to get some things from her apartment.

Olivia did what she could with her hair and exited the bathroom to see Amanda dressed and ready for the day and that Fin had arrived. He was wearing his normal work clothes along with his badge and gun. She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

" _You working today?_ " Olivia asked hesitantly.

" _Maybe…_ " He replied. Amanda laughed.

" _Fin, you offered to drive me to my appointment…_ " Olivia accused him lightly.

" _I did, and I still am._ " He replied with a blank face.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _Odafin, are you using me to get out of work?_ " She asked him.

" _Maybe…_ " He replied.

Olivia cocked her head to the side and gave him a look.

Amanda laughed again and Fin shrugged his shoulders. " _What can I say? You're dad's favorite…_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes again, shaking her head, and giving him an unimpressed look but she wasn't too bothered by it.

" _Alright,_ " she announced. " _Let's go._ "

She walked over to where Amanda was standing, giving the younger woman a peck on the lips.

" _I will see you this afternoon,_ " Olivia told her. They smiled at each other.

Olivia grabbed her jacked and sling, making sure she had her room key and phone before heading out the door with Fin behind her.

Amanda left shortly afterwards.

…

The appointment had lasted almost three hours, which is what had been scheduled for her time slot. She'd wanted to tell him the entire Lewis story, or at least the main parts of it, during the first session so she could get it over and done with. They'd go over more details and feelings about it during her next session.

Dr. Lindstrom was nice. Olivia found that she actually liked him. If he'd judged her in any way during her recap of events, she couldn't tell it and she was good at reading people. He'd written things down as she talked, and she didn't blame him. He was probably trying to keep up with the order of events and what had happened. It was a lot to take in and remember.

She'd left some little things out and he'd picked up on that, she could tell, but he let her talk and power through it. It was like he could sense her need to get it all out.

Olivia told him about Lewis pouring vodka down her throat constantly, about him burning her with keys and cigarettes. She told him about the 'L' that was burned into her chest, about how she was trapped in the trunk for hours, about hearing the officer get murdered. Olivia surprised herself by going into more detail about watching Lewis' lawyer's mom get raped and the murder of her husband. She'd finally told him about the beach house, about how she'd begged to go to the bathroom and how he'd let her, watching her and cleaning her up afterwards. She told him about breaking free and attacking Lewis.

Olivia left out the maid and her daughter. She left out the beating she gave Lewis when he was already cuffed. She wasn't ready to talk about that yet and she would probably never mention the maid and daughter. They weren't part of her healing process and they had nothing to do with her torture.

During the session, Olivia had gotten up and began pacing the room as she talked, needing to do something other than staring at the person who she was spilling all of this to. And Lindstrom had let her. She had free reign of his office. She walked around the couch, stared at the bookcases and pictures on the wall.

As soon as she'd gotten through all of the events, she had announced she was done with session. It was fifteen minutes early but he agreed that she'd been through enough for one day.

Today was Wednesday, so they agreed to meet again on Friday, sticking to the schedule. After that, Olivia was out of his office door and headed to the waiting room to meet Fin.

She was surprised when she walked out into the waiting room and came face-to-face with Amanda.

Olivia knew she looked like a mess. Her face was red and puffy from crying. Her hair was probably a mess because she'd ran her fingers through it so many times out of a nervous habit.

" _You're not Fin…_ " Olive stated, sniffling and wiping her face off with her cast free hand.

" _No, I'm not…_ " Amanda replied cautiously. " _He said you barely ate anything so he went to pick up some food, said he'd meet us back at the hotel…_ "

" _Alright,_ " Olivia replied.

" _I can call him and get him to come back… I can go make myself scarce for a little while and go get food later if you need him to be here…_ " Amanda offered.

" _No, no. I'm glad you're here, babe._ " Olivia gave Amanda a weak smile as her eyes watered again. " _Come here…_ " Olivia pulled her into a hug. The waiting room was empty so it wasn't like they had an audience.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist and rested her forehead on the blonde's shoulder. Amanda put her arms around Olivia's neck. One hand on the back of her head and one hand wrapped around her shoulders.

More sniffles came from Olivia.

" _Hey…_ " Amanda whispered in her girlfriend's ear. " _You're alright. I'm sure that was extremely hard but you did it… I'm so proud of you for going to therapy…_ "

Olivia planted a kiss on Amanda's collar bone.

They stayed like that for a few moments more, then Olivia pulled away, wiping her face again.

" _You ready to go?_ " Amanda asked and Olivia nodded.

They left the office and headed to Amanda's vehicle, which now thanks to the car detail place, smelled like a basket of fruit.

They headed back to the hotel, which took longer than they would have liked because New York traffic is a bitch, especially in the afternoon.

Walking to the door together, Olivia used her room key to let them inside. Fin was perched on the couch reading some kind of magazine. Probably one of the one's Amanda had picked up.

There was a vase of flowers on the coffee table in front of the couch. It was a plain black vase with a variety of colorful flowers of different types, it was honestly a beautiful arrangement and it probably cost whoever bought them a pretty penny.

" _Fin, did you get me flowers?_ " Olivia asked with a surprised expression.

" _Nope, the hotel delivery boy dropped them off a little while ago…_ " He replied, looking up from the magazine.

" _Well, who are they from?_ " Olivia asked him, as she took off her sling and jacked, making her way to the coffee table. Amanda took off her cardigan, placing it with Olivia's things as she sat on the bed.

" _Don't know, didn't read the card… I figured they might be from blondie and I didn't wanna chance reading something X-rated that I wasn't supposed to…_ " He told them both, casting a look at Amanda.

Olivia looked at the blonde too, but out of question, wondering if she'd sent her the flowers but deep down, Olivia knew that wasn't really Amanda's style.

" _They're not from me._ " Amanda told them, then cast Fin a look from his 'X-rated' comment.

Olivia walked forward, grabbing the mini envelop that was sticking out of the display. She slipped the card out and turned it over to read it.

It took a few seconds for the words to register with Olivia. Her breathing immediately picked up and tears swarmed her eyes.

" _No…_ " she said quietly, flipping the card over and over in her hands as if she was reading it wrong.

" _Who's it from?_ " Amanda asked.

Olivia shook her head, ignoring the question.

" _He doesn't get to do this to me!_ " Olivia exclaimed as she picked up the vase and threw it into the wall by the bathroom, which was in the opposite direction of Fin and Amanda but they both still ducked in surprise and shock.

The vase shattered. Flowers, glass, and water went everywhere, water covered the wall. She'd probably have to pay for that, and for the scratches that the glass had just made on the wall.

" _They were from Lewis?_ " Fin asked as he stood up quickly, pulling his phone out, ready to make a call to Cragen so they could figure out how the hell Lewis had sent her flowers from the hospital ward in jail.

" _No._ " Olivia said. " _They were from the other 'he'…_ " She threw a look his way and it clicked in his mind.

Olivia was overcome with tears. She dropped onto the floor by the coffee table as tears made their way down her face. Amanda walked over and dropped to the carpet in front of her, placing her hand on Olivia's shoulder and looking very worried but not quite knowing what to do, and not really understanding what was going on.

" _They were from Elliot?_ " he said slowly. It was more of a statement than a question though. " _Are you sure they're from him?_ " Fin asked.

Olivia nodded her head, confirming it. She pulled the small card out of her hand that she'd crumbled up and read word-for-word exactly what it said.

" _Thinking about you, you're in my prayers. Hope you're doing alright. -El_ "

Amanda swallowed hard upon hearing his words. The worse part was that it wasn't even printed on the card, it looked like he'd handwritten it himself. The blonde would be lying if she didn't say her heart rate had sped up and she'd gotten slightly scared all of the sudden. From the moment she heard who the flowers were from, a thousand scenarios entered her mind, she couldn't help it.

Many of those scenarios ended with Olivia and Elliot finally being together and Amanda being left behind.

Amanda's touch instantly left Olivia's shoulder. The younger woman pulled back upon hearing Olivia read his words.

" _No,_ " Olivia protested immediately. " _Don't do that, please…_ " she begged in a whisper, grabbing Amanda's hand forcefully and tugging the younger woman until she was in as close to Olivia as possible. They were face to face. " _Don't let this bother you, don't let this affect us…_ "

" _I…I…_ " Amanda stammered, not quite knowing what to say. After all this time, Elliot Stabler was finally reaching out to Olivia. And Olivia had already confessed that she'd been in love with him, but she'd also promised Amanda that in the event that he made an appearance back in her life, she would always pick the blonde because that is who she wanted now.

Luckily, Olivia pulled her from her thoughts. " _This is what he does, it's what he's always done. Anyone I'm dating, he runs them off. He did it for years. He never even had to try… one look from him and my boyfriends would either accuse me of sleeping with my partner or they'd claim he and I had feelings for each other. If it wasn't one thing then it was another and if my job didn't scare them away, if I didn't fuck up the relationship on my own, he would…_ " Olivia explained rather quickly as her tears came.

" _I don't want you to leave me… he's doing it again and he probably doesn't even know it…_ " She said in a small voice. Amanda's heart instantly hurt.

Fin continued standing on the other side of the coffee table, not quite sure what to do or say.

Amanda put her arms around Olivia's shoulders, letting the older woman rest her head on Amanda's shoulder.

" _He's not doing it again because I'm not going anywhere…_ " Amanda told her strongly. " _If something happens and we don't work out… it's not going to be because of Elliot fucking Stabler._ " There was venom in her voice for a man that she hated but had never met.

Olivia sniffled and Amanda kissed the side of her head, holding her tightly.

Fin pressed his lips together trying to decide what to do.

Olivia pulled away from Amanda and used her shirt to wipe her face.

" _How the fuck did he know where I was at?_ " Olivia asked Fin as Amanda stood up, helping Olivia up.

Fin shrugged. " _He was a detective, Liv… he probably did some sleuthing. He had them delivered to the hotel, not the room number. The front desk received them for an Olivia Benson and sent them to your room._ "

Olivia continued staring at him intently.

" _I haven't talked to him, Liv… You know I woulda told you…_ " he promised her.

Olivia swallowed, nodding her head and let out a breath. " _Yeah, I know… I'm sorry…_ "

" _You want me to pay him a visit?_ " Fin asked.

" _No,_ " Olivia said. " _You're not gonna do anything._ " She told him. " _We're going to ignore it…_ "

Fin looked like that wasn't the answer he wanted but he had no choice but to accept it. He walked over to the door, grabbing the tiny trashcan and brought it to where the vase had shattered. Fin began picking up the glass, which wasn't hard, there weren't really any tiny pieces.

Amanda side stepped around it to the bathroom to get a towel, coming back and wiping the wall down. Fin didn't think Olivia would want him to salvage any of the flowers so he put those in the trash as well. After he finished, Amanda laid the towel on the floor to soak up all the water that had spilled. Luckily, there hadn't been too much in the vase.

Olivia sat on the couch the whole time with her head in her hands.

When Fin and Amanda were done, they made their way back to Olivia who stood up instantly. Tears were swiming in her eyes but so far none had fallen.

" _Guys, I'm so sorry…_ " she told them both.

" _It's alright,_ " Amanda promised her.

" _Yeah,_ " Fin agreed. " _You've been through a lot today, this was just the icing on the cake._ " He told her.

" _It's okay to not be okay,_ " Amanda told Olivia in a small voice.

Olivia sniffled.

" _Uh… Fin?_ " Olivia called to him and he looked to her in question. " _Can you… I need to spend some time with Amanda right now…_ " she told him.

Fin got the message right away. Amanda looked surprised at Olivia's request for Fin to leave.

" _Of course, there's Chinese by the fridge,_ " he pointed a finger at her, " _Eat it._ " He commanded.

Olivia gave him a thin smile. " _I'll try…_ " Her face was red and puffy again from crying.

" _Walk me to the elevator?_ " Fin requested after telling Amanda goodbye. Olivia nodded.

They walked side-by-side to the elevator but when they got there, Fin didn't push the button.

Instead, he turned to Olivia. " _Tell me what you're really feeling… because I'm not so sure you're gonna tell blondie in there and you need to talk to someone…_ " he told her.

" _I'll tell her… I'm gonna tell her, Fin. I have to. I… I can't lose her right now._ " Olivia's lip quivered like she might cry again. God, she hated these emotions that she couldn't control. " _This is something that she and I have to be on the same page about._ " Olivia continued.

" _Aight… come here…_ " Fin requested, putting his arms around Olivia. She accepted the embrace.

He held her tight.

" _I'm hurt, Fin…_ " She whispered to him. " _He hurt me so badly and today it's like picking at the scab…_ "

Fin pulled back, giving Olivia time to collect herself.

" _Let me ask you this…_ " Fin told her. " _If he had seen all this shit on the news, knew all about Lewis, his MO, how he rapes and tortures people and knew that you were with Lewis for four days, wouldn't it make him a bigger asshole to think you were tortured and possibly raped and he still not say anything? Plus, for all we know, Kathy made him send the flowers…_ " Fin had a good point.

Olivia swallowed. " _I hadn't thought of it like that…_ "

She knew very well the type of person Kathy was. Kathy had actually liked Olivia and she could have very well been the one that pushed him to make contact… but if she had, the flowers would have been delivered with a printed note.

Olivia shook her head in disagreement. " _He handwrote that note on purpose… he probably guessed I'd think something like that. All those years he scheduled for Kathy to received flowers, never once did he handwrite one of those stupid little notes and half the time, I was the one ordering the flowers for her in his place because he'd forgotten some anniversary or special occasion…_ " Olivia concluded with a huff. " _He did this on purpose…_ "

Fin put a hand on her shoulder.

" _I'm here for you, you know that but keep an open line of communication with blondie… I'm almost certain she's not going anywhere but with this… you gotta talk to her…_ "

" _I know… I know…_ " Olivia told him as she began to walk off towards her room.

" _Aight,_ " He said as he pressed the elevator button. " _And your scrawny ass better eat some of that damn food…_ " he called out to her as she walked away. Olivia glanced back and smiled at him.

" _I mean it!_ " He warned her but with a small smile.

Fin stepped on the elevator as Olivia arrived back to the hotel room.

" _Goddammit…_ " She cursed herself for forgetting her room key again.

Olivia knocked on the door. " _Babe?_ " she called. " _You gotta let me in, I forgot my room key._ "

Within a few seconds, the door opened to reveal Amanda, who'd changed into sweat pants and a v-cut grey tank top.

Olivia gave her a smile as she walked through the door.

Looking at the coffee table, Olivia saw that Amanda had set out the Chinese food, which Fin had ordered way too much of. Apparently, Amanda was set on making sure Olivia ate.

They sat down on the couch together and Olivia scarfed down as much as she could. They ate in silence. Amanda finished eating first, oddly enough.

It was dark outside now.

" _I need to jump in the shower and wash my hair before bed._ " She announced with a small smile as she headed to the bathroom. The shower was quick and she put on the same sweat pants and tank top that she'd had on before. Then quickly blow dried her hair.

Amanda came out of the bathroom to find Olivia in her pajamas, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

The blonde hooked her phone up to her charger on the night stand beside her side of the bed and got under the covers. Olivia's small table lamp was still on and of course the night light beside the couch always stayed on.

Amanda's phone dinged and she turned on her side, away from Olivia to answer the text. Once she'd replied, she put her phone back in its spot but remained on her side.

" _It doesn't mean he's coming back into my life… even if he wanted to, I probably wouldn't let him…_ " Olivia spoke softly.

Amanda rolled over on her opposite side, facing Olivia. She was intent on listening to what the brunette had decided to say.

" _You know I loved him, we've talked about it before… but 'loved' is in past tense for a reason… if anything, I love him as a person now and nothing more but I don't even think that's true anymore…_ " Olivia continued, turning onto her right side to make eye contact with the blonde. " _I haven't seen him in over two years… he could be a completely different person but even if he's not, I'm not one to forgive and forget, I never have been. Not when it was something this serious._ "

Amanda reached out her hand, grasping Olivia's right one and tugging her closer. Olivia complied scooting over. Now they were face-to-face.

" _I want you… I don't want to lose you, I can't. I've never been this far into a relationship before. I've never fully given myself to anyone like I have you… I need you, Amanda…_ " Olivia spoke with tears in her eyes.

" _You've got me, Liv. I'm not going anywhere…_ " Amanda gave her a thin smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

" _Tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling? Please?_ " Olivia practically begged.

Amanda thought for a moment, their hands remained together

" _I'm a little scared…_ " Amanda admitted.

" _Of what?_ " Olivia asked.

" _When you threw that vase this afternoon, I saw anger but I also saw a scorned lover. I know you two never got together but maybe you should have. I don't want you to always wonder what it'd be like to be with him instead of me…_ " She confessed.

" _I don't wonder what it would be like to be with him. Not since I got together with you. Amanda, I'm happy… Well…_ " Olivia rolled her eyes. " _I mean not right now, obviously. I have severe anxiety and depression problems. Not to mention PTSD and some medical issues. Plus, I've been traumatized and tortured, almost raped, sexually assaulted… Nothing would actually make me happy right now because of what I've been through but you, Amanda, you do make me happy. The rare moments of happiness that I have are usually because of you._ " Olivia honestly told Amanda.

The blonde smiled.

" _You make me happy too. And I'm so pissed off at him for how he left you without closure. He better be glad he didn't show up to deliver the flowers himself or I don't know what would have happened…_ " Amanda trailed off. It was from a mixture of anger and jealousy.

Olivia had a small smile on her face.

" _I'm glad he sent you the flowers…_ " Amanda confessed and Olivia's smile quickly faded.

" _What? Why?_ " She asked confused.

" _Because, it's your closure, Olivia._ " The blonde explained.

Olivia scoffed and looked away, but Amanda grabbed Olivia's chin with her free hand and made the older woman look at her.

" _Thinking about you, you're in my prayers. Hope you're doing alright._ " Amanda repeated what the card had said like it was burned into her memory.

" _Olivia, he's thinking about you. He probably watched the news for hours and hours every day, looking for any new information. I would be surprised if he called up some of his old cop buddies to get some intel…_ " Amanda told her and Olivia's eyes began to water.

" _You're in his prayers. If I remember correctly, I was told he was a Catholic man, that he was very religious_." Olivia nodded in confirmation. " _Okay then, he might pray every morning or every night before he goes to bed. You're in those prayers and there's no telling how many prayers he sent to God while you were missing…_ " Amanda stated gently. " _He's still praying for you, the note said so. That means he thinks about you every day…_ "

Olivia's tears spilled onto her face.

" _He said he hopes you're doing alright. I know that hurts because with the way he left you, it didn't seem like he cared how you were or what happened with you but knowing about Lewis, knowing the MO that was openly posted on the news? I feel like Elliot's being genuine here…_ "

Olivia rolled over momentarily to get some tissues from her night stand, then resumed her place facing Amanda in close proximity.

" _You know,_ " Amanda began. " _One night while you were still gone and there was no new news to report about you and Lewis, NBC ran a special, extra-long Dateline episode about some of Lewis' other victims. They told all of the horrible things he'd done to them._ " Amanda told Olivia, who was listening intently. " _If I had to guess, I'd bet Elliot watched it and it probably scared him shitless… I know because I was scared shitless thinking you'd never come back to me, wondering what horrid hell you were being put through…_ " Amanda swallowed hard.

Olivia scooted closer to Amanda and the blonde moved, laying flat on her back so Olivia could rest her head on the younger woman's shoulder. Olivia wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist, being careful as her cast rested on top of Amanda's stomach.

Amanda started to move her hand up and down Olivia's back. As Amanda's hand neared Olivia's head, the brunette sent out a warning.

" _Not the hair…_ " She said in a small voice.

" _Got it_." Amanda replied, making sure not to run her fingers through Olivia's hair. It was something that they usually did but Amanda understood that now she couldn't since Olivia's attack.

" _He reached out, Olivia. I think he wanted you to know the he wasn't a total ass and that he was glad you're alive…_ "

" _Maybe…_ " Olivia whispered.

" _If you wanted to contact him…_ " Amanda started.

" _I don't._ " Olivia pipped up quickly.

" _If you did, I want you to know I'd support you._ " Amanda told her. " _I trust you, and I support you, but I think this is some closure for you. I think it was good for you in a way…_ "

Olivia sighed in response. She honestly didn't know what to think. She'd just been so mad.

" _I kept the card for you, it's on the dresser under the TV. It's something I think you should hang onto._ " Amanda told her. " _It's in his handwriting… I know that might be comforting to you._ "

Olivia wiped the remaining tears off her face with the tissue in her hand, then balled it up and threw it towards the trashcan. It didn't make it in though.

" _I don't want to contact him. That's not something I want to do. Not now, probably never…_ " Olivia whispered then placed a kiss into Amanda's shoulder.

" _Okay… I support your decision either way._ "

" _Thank you for opening up to me… Especially since I can't do it with you very well right now._ " Olivia told her.

" _It's fine. You'll get there and if you never do, if you never tell me what all happened with Lewis, it'll be okay. We will be okay._ " Amanda promised her. " _And for the record. I'm not leaving. I know I said it earlier but I want to tell you again. I'm not going anywhere. Elliot can send as many flowers as he wants… you're my woman and the only way I'm leaving is if you ask me to…_ "

Olivia untangled herself from Amanda, propping herself up on her right arm and leaning down to kiss the younger woman. It was a nice long sweet kiss.

" _I care about you so much._ " Olivia told her.

Amanda smiled up at her. " _I care about you too, Olivia._ "

The older woman took a deep breath as she sat up, the covers pooling at her waist. She glanced around the room and licked her lips.

" _What is it?_ " Amanda asked. She'd noticed a change in Olivia's posture immediately.

" _While we're on the topic of Elliot, I need to tell you something…_ " Olivia stated seriously.

" _Okay…_ " Amanda answered hesitantly.

" _It's about my time with Lewis…_ " The brunette confessed.

" _Alright, lay it on me._ " Amanda told her, sitting up with a straight face.

Olivia took another deep breath. She might as well get it over with.

" _When he had me cuffed to the bed at the beach house… there was a moment when I gave up… where I had this blank look on my face I guess… I knew what was about to happen. Lewis had gone to the kitchen and gotten something to cut my clothes off with. He was starting with my pants… It was when he was getting ready to rape me…_ " Olivia told her.

Amanda swallowed. Scared of what she was about to hear.

Olivia bit down on her lip. Amanda tried to grab her hand for support but Olivia pulled away.

" _He said he knew I was thinking about someone, that all his victims think about one person before it happens. He started listing off people but he didn't get a reaction out of me when he listed off my mom and dad, so he knew it wasn't one of them… He asked if it was you and he was surprised to find that… that it wasn't you that I was thinking about…_ " Olivia's eyes began to water.

" _You were thinking about Elliot…_ " Amanda whispered as she realized where this story was headed.

" _I was… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…_ " Olivia began to cry.

" _Hey… why are you apologizing?_ " Amanda asked confused.

Olivia sniffled, grabbing another tissue and wiping under her eyes. " _Because when I was about to be raped and murdered the one person I thought of wasn't my girlfriend…_ " Olivia looked down, ashamed. " _I didn't think about the one person I care about most, the one person I wanted to be with more than anything…_ "

" _No,_ " Amanda replied, ducking her head down to make eye contact with Olivia. " _You thought of the one person you had unfinished business with… Liv, that's what happens when you're about to die… you think of the person you want to see and talk to, the one you have unfinished business with who you'd give anything to right a wrong with or correct something from the past with…_ " Amanda told her in a light tone.

Olivia leaned her head up and stared at her.

" _Olivia, when I was about to be raped, I thought of my father. My run away, gambler father who I hadn't had any contact with in years… I thought about him because my life was a stake and I wanted to see him, talk to him, I had so many questions that were left unanswered…_ " Amanda explained with loving eyes. " _When we're in situations like that, that's just what happens. It doesn't mean you care about me any less or that you care about Elliot more…_ "

Olivia began to sob now.

" _Come here, baby._ " Amanda called to her, engulfing Olivia in her arms. " _Shhhh_ " Amanda soothed. " _You have nothing to be sorry for. It was a natural response, a reflex to the situation at hand…_ " Amanda rubbed her hands down Olivia's back. Amanda's words made Olivia think of something else that had happened with Lewis too, but she wasn't ready to get into that just yet…

" _I don't deserve you…_ " Olivia mumbled into Amanda's chest and the blonde made a face that Olivia couldn't see.

" _Don't speak like that… we're good together, I know it and you know it. We've come so far, powered through so much already. We can get through this too._ " Amanda told her.

Olivia finally leaned back, wiping her face and nose with her tissue.

" _I was still drunk a little I think, I was telling Lewis that my old partner would know what to do, that Elliot would break his arms, his legs, kick his teeth in… and he would. There's no doubt in my mind Elliot would do those things. Lewis started talking about how I was in love with my old partner and that we probably fucked during late night stake outs. It'd told him to shut up, that he wasn't allowed to talk about Elliot like that…_ " Olivia revealed, however, leaving out the part where this was when Lewis was cuffed before she beat him.

" _That's okay, Liv._ " Amanda promised. " _It's all fine… but if Elliot wants to beat and kill Lewis, he'll have to get in line behind me and Fin…_ " The blonde told her and a small laugh escaped Olivia's lips.

She sniffled again, blew her nose in the tissue, and then threw it towards the trashcan. This one didn't make it in either. Olivia rolled her eyes at her terrible tissue basketball skills and Amanda laughed.

Olivia huffed. " _Can we go to bed now? I'm all talked out and I can't talk about Elliot anymore… or Lewis…_ "

" _Yeah…_ " Amanda complied, laying down.

Olivia reached over to turn her lamp off. Then she scooted over to Amanda, spooning the younger woman.

" _Is this okay?_ " Olivia asked.

" _Of course, it is, Liv… You don't have to ask to hold me._ " Amanda replied.

" _I want to go to sleep touching you… I can't wait until we can finally fall asleep cuddling properly again…_ " Olivia whispered.

Amanda snorted. " _There's no 'proper' way to cuddle._ "

Olivia laughed then silence fell upon them.

" _I want you to know that you made a lot of progress today, and I'm so very proud of you…_ " Amanda whispered to Olivia.

" _Thanks,_ " the brunette whispered back.

 **Thoughts? Suggestions?**


	13. Fight

**Thank y'all so much for the reviews. Please keep them coming! I enjoy reading them. They fuel me to write and some of them give me great ideas. If you have any suggestions or requests that you'd like to see in the story, please feel free to let me know. I can't promise that they'll make it in the story but I love ideas none the less!**

Olivia jolted awake in bed, reaching over and turning her side lamp on quickly. She was sweating slightly, tears had made their way down her face during her slumber, and her heart was racing. The nightmare had been bad. It was more like a memory though, several of them in fact. She was simply reliving things that had already happened, they were all just mashed together.

It wasn't surprising really, not with the events that had happened during the previous day. The therapy session, the flowers from Elliot, it had been a lot for her, especially since she was still a fresh victim.

Her nightmare had gone from the Jenna shooting at the precinct with Elliot and morphed into the Lewis era. She hated it. She didn't want the Lewis memories and memories of Elliot anywhere near one another. Both were a different kind of pain for her.

Olivia went to grab her phone that was lying on her night stand but her hand stopped just short of touching it. She had intended to text Fin but she stopped.

She turned her head to her right, looking at the sleeping blonde. Amanda would want Olivia to wake her up, to reach out to her and seek comfort from her.

The brunette huffed, wiping her face to rid herself of her tears even though her eyes were still in the process of watering. She waited a few beats, trying to collect herself.

Olivia opted to leave the lamp on and laid back down, closing her eyes tightly, intending to see if she could fall back asleep without needing to wake anyone up but it was a mistake. After a few moments, various images and thoughts passed through her mind and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

She shot up in bed again, breathing hard.

" _Amanda…_ " Olivia called to the blonde softly, looking towards her with panicked eyes.

The other woman was laying on her stomach asleep, with her face in the opposite direction of Olivia.

" _Amanda,_ " Olivia said louder after the woman hadn't stirred the first time.

The brunette gently shook Amanda's shoulder. Amanda slowly raised herself up on her elbows and turned to Olivia.

" _Liv?_ " She questioned, still waking up from her slumber.

Amanda opened her eyes, looking at Olivia, realizing something was wrong.

" _Hey,_ " Amanda said softly as she sat up. " _What's going on?_ "

" _I um… I…_ " Olivia tried desperately to put into words what had happened but she refused to tell Amanda about the nightmare. She hadn't woken up the younger woman up to confess her terrible, twisted dreams. She'd woken her up for comfort.

When Olivia realized she wouldn't be able to put her emotions into words, she laid back down, pulling Amanda down with her. The blonde laid on her side looking at the brunette and Olivia took this opportunity to pull her closer.

Wrapping her arms around Amanda's hips, Olivia pulled her until she scooted close enough for Olivia to hug her tightly, faceplanting in the younger woman's cleavage from the v-cut tank top that she'd worn to bed.

" _I just… I need you…_ " Olivia told her in a small, muffled voice.

The younger woman's heart broke for her girlfriend.

Amanda wrapped her arms around Olivia's shoulders tightly. It wasn't hard to guess that she'd had either a flashback or nightmare. Maybe a combination of both.

" _I'm here._ " Amanda told her strongly. She was softly massaging the muscles in Olivia's shoulders. Her hand was itching to run it through Olivia's hair but she knew better than that. Apparently, Lewis had done some serious hair pulling on Olivia because the older woman had warned her several times to not touch her hair.

Sometimes, the blonde could swear her girlfriend could read her mind though, because Olivia's hand reached up and grabbed Amanda's right hand. The brunette threaded it through her brown locks and Amanda's hand instantly froze.

" _Olivia…_ " Amanda called to her in a warning.

" _Just do it._ " Olivia whispered back, her voice muffled slightly by the younger woman's breasts.

" _No, not if it hurts you._ " The blonde answered strongly.

" _What hurts me is my girlfriend not being able to touch me because of some sick fuck basically trying to rip my fucking hair out as he assaulted me…_ " Olivia stated forcefully, leaning out of Amanda's body to look up into her blue eyes. It was funny how Olivia seemed to fall for people with blue eyes…

The younger woman gulped hard, staring into Olivia's eyes.

Slowly, Amanda continued to weave her fingers through Olivia's hair as Olivia's hand dropped back to Amanda's waist and her eyes closed.

Amanda used her fingers to lightly massage Olivia's scalp, conscious that the woman had had a concussion.

" _Is this okay?_ " Amanda asked cautiously.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia whispered in return.

Olivia pushed her face back into Amanda's cleavage, letting her hand slip under the blonde's tank top and run up her side. It was very clear that Olivia's touch affected Amanda because the younger woman's nipples instantly hardened. It hadn't been what Olivia had wanted but she couldn't control Amanda's body and neither could Amanda.

" _Do you want me to take off my shirt?_ " Amanda asked, remembering back to the bathroom floor a few night ago when Olivia had needed skin-on-skin contact. And if it helped, Amanda didn't mind giving it to her.

" _No…_ " Olivia whispered, leaning back a bit so she could get better air circulation to her face, more specifically her nose. " _This is fine._ "

The brunette now ran her hand up and down Amanda's back, feeling the warmth of her skin and taking it in. She was trying desperately to not let her cast irritate Amanda's skin.

Olivia looked up at the younger woman, who was staring down at her with loving eyes.

" _Do you want to talk about it? Tell me what it was about?_ " Amanda asked lightly, referring to the nightmare or flashback that Olivia had had.

" _No._ " Olivia answered sharply.

" _Alright,_ " Amanda accepted in a huff, trying not to be annoyed. She loved it when Olivia shared her darkness that was in her head because it meant that Olivia didn't have to harbor the burden and weight all by herself. Tonight however, it seemed that the older woman was set on not talking about it. So, Amanda would just have to settle for comforting her in other ways instead of being a listening ear.

The blonde continued to massage Olivia's head as Olivia resumed the position of her face in between Amanda's breasts.

They stayed like that for a long time, just lying in bed, holding each other.

" _Olivia?_ " Amanda called out to the older woman.

" _Hmmm?_ " she responded in a sleepy haze.

" _Don't fall asleep… Babe, you can't fall asleep like this…_ " The blonde told her. Amanda knew Olivia would wake up freaking out if she felt arms wrapped around her, Olivia had told her as much. There had been a lot of stress the previous day and now with Olivia's nightmare. Amanda didn't want to chance making it worse.

" _Mmm…_ " Olivia replied. Amanda couldn't figure out if it was a word or if Olivia was just mumbling sounds to prove she was still awake, which she barely was and Amanda knew she wouldn't be for long.

The blonde took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she was about to do and hoping Olivia wouldn't freak out or take it the wrong way. She needed to do this for her girlfriend. She wanted her to be okay and feel as safe as possible at all times.

" _Liv…_ " Amanda called softly, inching herself back and away from Olivia. The blonde reached around herself, grabbing Olivia's hands that were resting under her shirt on her back and on her side, pulling them away from her body.

Olivia startled slightly and looked up to Amanda in question.

" _We can't do this…_ " Amanda whispered with a sad smile.

Olivia's eyes went wide and she took it upon herself to back further away from Amanda, realizing it was what Amanda was doing anyways.

The brunette swallowed hard, glancing at the younger woman's eyes, looking her body up and down before settling on her eyes again. She was trying to read Amanda and her body. She was looking for the signs of rejection that were clearly there, at least in Olivia's mind anyways.

Olivia self-consciously grabbed at the front of her shirt pulling the collar up to her neck as if maybe she had shown too much cleavage and Amanda had accidently seen her burns, which was impossible because Olivia was wearing a t-shirt. She'd been making sure not to wear any low-cut shirts since her assault. She no longer loved her breasts or her cleavage and she would probably never want to show it off again.

The older woman swallowed hard.

" _You… We… we can't do what?_ " Olivia asked hesitantly, her eyes instantly filled with tears and she hated it. She hated how she had lost control of herself throughout this whole ordeal. The brunette was convinced that Amanda was done with her. The previous day had been enough, and waking her up had been a mistake.

" _Cuddle… with you falling asleep in my arms… We can't be together like that with you-_ " Amanda tried to explain but Olivia cut her off.

" _Stop._ " Olivia spoke quickly and forcefully, holding her hand up, signaling for Amanda to stop what she was saying.

Amanda's mouth hung open with a questioning look. She was afraid this would happen, she was afraid that Olivia would misunderstand her. And Amanda hadn't missed the way Olivia had clutched at her collar of her shirt either.

" _Liv, I just meant that we-_ " The blonde tried again but was shut down once more.

" _No._ " Olivia stopped her quickly with a forceful whisper as tears spilled down her face. " _I can't… I can't do this, Amanda…_ "

The blonde swallowed hard and opened her mouth to speak again, to try to explain the situation but her girlfriend spoke first.

" _Leave._ " Olivia whispered to her harshly, glancing around the room and then back at her. " _Go ahead and leave… I'm not strong enough to do this right now, I can't handle it. If you don't want this with me that's fine…_ " Olivia's voice became hoarse as her tears came faster. " _I just… I need you to leave…_ " She was on the verge of falling apart.

Amanda was silent. Not because she wanted to be, but because she was in shock. Olivia had assumed the blonde had finally had enough and wanted out of their relationship, and Olivia was trying to beat her to the punch and kick her out.

" _Please just go…_ " Olivia practically begged, fully sitting up now and preparing herself to get off the bed.

" _Olivia, you're misunderstanding me…_ " Amanda told her. She was scared, terrified. Maybe she should have just let Olivia fall asleep in her arms and pretended that she'd fallen asleep too by accident.

The brunette shook her head. She was in full on panic mode, there was no denying it. She stood up, reaching for a tissue on the night stand and then wiping her face of her tears. Then she walked over to the couch, shrugging on her jacket carefully because of her cast, and began shuffling clothes around in her bag to the side, looking for some jeans or sweat pants. Olivia needed something to replace the pajama pants that she had on. When she had no luck, she moved onto the dresser under the TV, looking through the clothes she'd stuffed in there.

Amanda was completely floored.

" _Where the hell are you going?_ " Amanda asked, standing up quickly.

" _I'm leaving… going for a walk. And when I get back, you're aren't going to be here._ " Olivia told her strictly, turning around and looking up at Amanda, waiting for the blonde's agreement but it wasn't coming.

" _Like hell you are. Olivia,_ " Amanda said all too loudly as she glanced at the clock, " _It's near four a.m. There's no way I'm letting you go walk those streets alone… Not after…_ "

It was like Olivia couldn't control herself, like she couldn't control what was coming out of her mouth or what she was doing. Her mind was racing and so was her heart. It was like she was going into shock and her body was going into overload. She was completely freaking out.

" _Not after what, Amanda?_ " Olivia challenged her, raising an eyebrow. " _Not after I was victimized? Not after I was raped?_ " She smiled darkly as she narrowed her eyes at the blonde. Amanda felt like she'd been hit with a brick wall and staggered backwards, falling into a sitting stance on the bed.

Yes, Olivia had lost all control.

" _But… But you weren't…_ " Amanda stuttered, her eyes wide.

" _No, I wasn't…_ " Olivia shot at her fiercely. " _But you think I was and so does everyone else for that matter… I read the newspapers you bought that day we ran into Tucker… I see the looks that people give me when they recognize me, the looks you give me…_ " Olivia told her as she turned around and continued searching for pants to wear.

" _Oh, that's rich…_ " Amanda laughed darkly at her, standing up after she realized she could breathe again. " _If you would just stop for a second and take a breather, you'd realize I'm trying to help!_ "

Olivia spun back around, facing Amanda once more even though they were several feet apart.

" _You're trying to control me, you think I can't take care of myself because William Lewis got to me and I couldn't defend myself so now you want to take control of the situation. Well, guess what?_ " Olivia looked at the younger woman with fire in her eyes. " _I'm fucking fine, I don't need your help!_ " Olivia fired off at the blonde. " _Everything thinks I'm a failure! They think I can't… I can't…_ " Olivia huffed, her anger radiating. She crossed her arms across her chest almost childlike because she couldn't find the words to say.

" _I wasn't trying to break up with you earlier!_ " Amanda half yelled. " _I was just giving you distance, literal distance because we were falling asleep!_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes.

Anxiety makes us feel and do strange things. It can make us think things that aren't true are, and it can play tricks on the mind. Anxiety and depression combined though, that's a whole new batch of trouble. Those two combined can make a person think that their significant other hates them, doesn't love them, is lying to them, or for example, wants to leave them because they are too much for their significant other to handle.

On top of depression and anxiety, which Olivia was in the process of being diagnosed with along with PTSD by Dr. Lindstrom, she had major mood swings like the one she was currently having. This was due to a combination of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and her physical, verbal, and sexual assaults. She'd told Amanda she was fucked up and she'd meant it.

In the middle of this argument, Olivia had William Lewis' voice in her head. No matter how hard she tried to ignore it, she still heard him taunting her while she was tied up in her apartment.

" _The blonde isn't going to want you after I have you._ "

" _She'll never want that pussy when I'm done._ "

" _Detective Rollins is gonna take one look at your chest, at that 'L', and she's gonna run away from you… they try to handle it at first, the boyfriends and girlfriends, they always do but eventually it gets to them and they can't deal._ "

" _You're gonna lose everyone around you… They'll be there for you at first, but soon enough you'll start losing them one by one._ "

William Lewis had said all of those things to her. She couldn't get them out of her head and she was starting to believe them.

Elliot may have had a bit of a history fucking up Olivia's relationships, but she had a history of doing it to herself as well.

The brunette how now turned around to face the dresser once more.

" _I care about you and I know you care about me._ " Amanda told her, making her way over to Olivia. " _I know you do!_ "

The brunette snorted darkly, as she shifted through the clothes in front of her. The truth was, she'd already past two pairs of pants that she could wear out but she'd been so distracted by their argument that she'd bypassed them without a second thought.

" _Of course I care about you."_ She told Amanda, turning around to the woman who was I much closer proximity now and shooting daggers at the blonde with her eyes. " _If I didn't, I would have just settled for fucking you when we were just friends. You're a good lay, don't get me wrong, but I don't just date anyone unless I feel something for them…_ "

Amanda didn't know if she should be offended, angered, or flattered at the statement but she was a combination of all three. Lucky for her, she was able to recognize Olivia's self-sabotage. However, it didn't stop her eyes from watering from the sting of Olivia's words.

" _And just because we're fighting doesn't mean you get to question my feelings for you._ " Olivia told her strongly with her hands on her hips.

" _Why not?_ " Amanda asked, cocking her head to the side and back tracking to stand beside the bed to give them much needed distance. " _Isn't that what you're doing to me?_ "

" _You backed off! You told me we couldn't do this!_ " Olivia practically yelled at her in a mixture of anger and pain.

This was wrong. It was all wrong. They weren't supposed to be yelling at each other at four a.m. in the morning.

" _I meant you falling asleep in my arms! I was trying to keep you safe!_ " Amanda said loudly back. They'd never had a fight like this… they'd technically never had a fight at all but there was always a first time for everything.

Unfortunately, Olivia was too far gone for this conversation. The voices in her head had gotten the better of her. She was running on very few hours of sleep and the stress and anxiety from the previous day.

" _I don't need you to protect me! I can protect myself just fine, Amanda!_ " Olivia yelled back, her face turning redder.

" _You're spiraling! You're self-destructing! I know you, Olivia!_ " The blonde yelled.

" _Oh, you know me, do you?_ " Olivia challenged, her voice betraying her as it cracked with emotion.

" _Yes! You're only hearing what you want to! You are sabotaging us even if you don't realize it because you're scared, you're scared that I can't handle your assault, that I can't handle whatever that sick fuck did to you!_ " Amanda told her fiercely.

" _How dare you!_ " Olivia shot back, sniffling and blinking rapidly at an attempt to keep her tears at bay.

" _I love you!_ " Amanda shouted. Tears swarmed her eyes.

" _Fuck you, Amanda!_ " Olivia shouted back. " _Get out! Get the fuck out!_ " Olivia yelled in a cry.

The blonde's tears made their way down her face. She frantically stalked over the couch, grabbed her coat and slipped on some flipflops even though it'd be a bit cold outside in the dead of night.

" _Goodbye, Olivia._ " And with that, Amanda was out the door, trying to slam it as she left but hotel doors have that latch on the top of them that stops them from slamming in order to not disturb others in the hotel. So, Amanda had to settle for just walking down the hall.

After that, it was eerily quiet, like time was standing still.

Olivia slowly walked over to her side of the bed, shrugging her jacket off and throwing it across the room. But instead of getting on the bed, she collapsed on the carpet as sobs overtook her body.

" _She wasn't supposed to say it!_ " Olivia cried to herself. " _No one was ever supposed to say it!_ " Her body shook with sobs as she decided to completely lay on the carpet, her hands covering her face as she cried. She had to be careful of her cast rubbing on her stitches and her still slightly bruised eye. Olivia didn't even care that her ribs were hurting, all she could do was cry.

Olivia had never told a significant other that she'd loved them and the couple of boyfriends that had said it to her hadn't meant it, she'd known this. Olivia had never even told Elliot that she loved him and he'd certainly never said it to her, even though they had both known that there were feelings between them.

It was hard for Olivia to hear the 'L' word. She'd said it to Fin and he'd said it back a few times, years and years after she'd known him and they'd established their brother-sister relationship. Cragen had even said it to her a couple of times and she'd returned the word and she'd meant it. He really was like a father figure to her. He hadn't talked to her much since the Lewis incident but she understood and was grateful in a way because there's no way in hell she'd be able to talk to him about it.

Olivia's own mother had never even told her that she loved her but as Olivia had grown up and gotten older, she came to understand this and her mother's reasoning behind it. Olivia knew it was hard for her mom to be forced to care for her rapist's baby, being forced into it because abortion was illegal back then. This was something that she tried not to dwell on. At least not now since she had much bigger problems to deal with.

There was always a part of Olivia that had expected to never be loved. Most likely because the way she'd grown up and the luck she'd had dating, maybe it was knowing her genetic DNA and thinking no one could ever love someone who came from two very fucked up people. Maybe that's why it had hurt so much when Amanda had said it out loud. They'd talked about feeling it but they'd never said it. In the back of Olivia's mind, she had believed that they never would say it. Olivia had a bad habit of always expecting her relationships to sour.

When Amanda had said it, Olivia had yelled at her in anger. She was angry with Amanda for falling in love with her. How could someone fall in love with someone like her? Why? She was angry about it because it wasn't supposed to happen. Olivia Benson wasn't supposed to be loved. Here she was in her late 40s and deep down, she'd always thought that no one would ever love her, at least not in the romantic sense like Amanda claimed she did.

Olivia Benson thought it would never happen.

Olivia Benson thought she didn't deserve it.

Olivia Benson thought she was unlovable.

She hated herself for what she'd just done to Amanda, how she'd just pushed her away and just lost the best thing that she'd ever had in her life.

When Olivia had told Amanda previously that she was feeling the 'L' word towards the younger woman, she'd meant it. She'd meant it with all her heart and it fucking terrified her. It's why she referred to it as the 'L' word instead of actually saying it. Because when you say it, it becomes real and that was something Olivia was scared of, something that she didn't want to handle.

After what seemed like forever, Olivia pushed herself off the ground and sat on the bed. She reached over for her pain pills and popped three in her hand, which was one too many for the dosage but she didn't care. She took them anyways, chasing them with the bottle of water that was on her night stand. Then she crawled into bed and laid there, waiting for sleep to overcome her.

When it didn't happen within the first two minutes, Olivia rolled over, grabbing the bottle and then resumed her same position. She had left her lamp on because she was trying to read the label. She wanted to fall into a dreamless slumber right now. Olivia needed to know how long it took the medication to work. As she tried to read the label, she felt her eyes and limbs become heavy. Before she knew it, she had falling asleep with the pill bottle in her hand.

 **I know this chapter was a bit dark, sorry, but all relationships have their problems, especially after one party has recently been affected by sexual assault. Thoughts?**


	14. Morning

When Olivia awoke, the first thing she noticed was that her body was hugging another body. She was laying on her right side, her left arm with her casted wrist was around someone's waist, her head was resting on a shoulder, and her left leg was swung over another pair of legs, hiked up onto someone else's lap.

She tensed immediately. She could tell the body belonged to a male.

Olivia had no memory of letting anyone into her hotel room. She didn't remember calling anyone or receiving a call. In fact, her memory of falling asleep was a bit fuzzy but she was fully clothed and so was he, so her panic was near as bad as it could have been.

Sill, Olivia jumped up in a panic, pushing herself away from him and quickly removing her leg and arm, detaching herself from the body beside her.

She remembered the fight she'd had with Amanda. She remembered them yelling at each other and Amanda leaving but she didn't remember inviting a man into her bed.

" _Olivia, it's just me,_ " a voice said calmly. " _It's just me._ "

She looked up when she heard the familiar voice, meeting his eyes with a confused look.

Relief flooded her face as she took a deep breath.

He had his left arm hooked behind his head, as if he had been adamant on not touching her. She then realized she had been the sole one initiating the contact between them. He had simply just been laying there.

" _How did you get in here?_ " Was her first question as she moved to sit up and he did the same, bracing himself against the headboard. Olivia's voice was slightly shaking.

" _I was given a key to your room._ " He answered nonchalantly.

" _By whom?_ " She asked for her second question, her voice calm. Olivia was still confused.

" _Fin…_ " He answered as he brought his left hand down and laced his fingers together in his lap now that Olivia had backed away and given him some space.

She swallowed. " _I uh… I don't remember you coming here…_ " she told him, then turned her head to glance at the clock on the side table. Olivia was embarrassed.

God, it was near 2 p.m. How long had he been here?

" _I don't doubt that._ " He answered, moving his right hand into his pocket, taking out her pill bottle and shaking it at her. " _When I found you, you were passed out cold with this clutched in your hand…_ " He told her, looking at her expression to judge her reaction.

" _Oh…_ " was all she said. Olivia kind of remembered taking her pain pills but she didn't know why she'd had the bottle in her hand.

He closed his eyes for a moment and tightly gripped the pill bottle.

" _Do you know how hard it was to wake you up? You barely stirred and when you did, you mumbled something I couldn't understand, then wrapped yourself around me and went back to sleep…_ " He told her as calmly as possible.

" _I-_ " Olivia started but he cut her off as he kept talking.

" _I had to count the pills… I had to make sure you hadn't done something stupid. I called Amanda to ask how many you'd taken since you'd been out of the hospital so I could be sure you'd be okay…_ " His voice was laced with sadness and a touch of anger. " _And it still didn't add up, you took more than you should have… Do you know how scared I was? Seeing you like that? Passed out on the bed with a pill bottle in your hand? Jesus, Liv…_ " He ran his left hand down his face, taking a deep breath.

" _Nick… I'm sorry…_ " Olivia told him in a small voice. She shifted to sit Indian style on the bed, facing him. " _You know I'd never… God I'd never… If I wanted to die, pills wouldn't be how I'd choose to go out…_." She confessed in a light voice.

He looked up at her.

" _That's not really making me feel better, Liv…_ " Nick told her, pressing his lips together in a thin line.

Olivia took a deep breath and gave him a small smile. " _I'm sorry, Nick… I'm sorry I scared you… and I'm sorry I apparently tried to cuddle you to death in my sleep…_ " Her face turned a shade of pink. Nick and Olivia didn't cuddle. They were fiends, partners, but the only people she cuddled with were Amanda and occasionally Fin.

He shook his head. " _I don't care about the cuddling, I'll be a shoulder if you need one. I was just worried you'd wake up having a flashback or thinking I was someone else…_ " he told her.

Nick had been afraid to touch her, to reciprocate her gesture and wrap his arms around her because he was scared she'd wake up thinking he was Lewis.

Olivia shook her head at him. " _Those things knock me out… They make it to where I don't dream or flashback. I actually sleep well when I take them…_ " She told him, shooting down his fears.

" _That why you took so many last night?_ " He questioned her with a serious face. Technically she'd taken them that morning around four when Amanda had left but now was not the time for corrections.

" _Why are you here?_ " She asked in a concerned voice.

" _I was sent to make sure you were okay._ " Nick told her. " _Once I got here, I saw that you weren't… So, I stayed…_ "

Olivia sighed and glanced around the room.

" _So, you know about the fight?_ " Olivia asked in a small voice.

Nick nodded his head.

Olivia played with her hands in her lap, popping her knuckles on her right hand just to have something to do with her hands.

" _Fin gave you a key… So, Fin knows about the fight…_ " She concluded. Nick nodded his head in confirmation but she didn't need it.

" _Where's Amanda?_ " Olivia asked, looking up at him.

" _She's at Fin's._ " He answered.

" _Fin still with her?_ " She questioned intently, hoping the blonde wasn't alone.

" _Yeah, yeah. He's there, he's got her. He's even got a watchful eye on her phone. Fin'll do everything in his power to make sure she doesn't relapse because of whatever the fuck happened between you two…_ " Nick looked at her with curious eyes.

" _She left me and went straight to Fin's doorstep, didn't she?_ " Olivia asked.

" _Of course she did, Liv. It was either she go gamble or get support from a friend. There are no GA groups running this early in the morning that she could have gone to… She did the right thing and you can't be mad at her for that…_ " He told her sternly.

" _I know, I know…_ " She put her hands up in defense, partially surprised at how supportive and defensive Nick was of Amanda. " _I'm not mad, I'd just prefer the whole precinct not know about our… our… business…_ " Everyone already saw her as the victim of William Lewis, the last thing she needed was for her love life to be the gossip at the one-six.

Olivia tilted her head and looked at Nick. " _Is anyone even working at the one-six?_ " She wondered.

" _Yeah, Munch is there and upstate sent in two SVU detectives on loan until we're back up and running. They're temporary so don't worry about your job. Cragen's handling things…_ " Nick told her with confidence. No one was going to take her job from here… well if they did, it wouldn't be because she had to go on leave for being kidnapped and assaulted…

" _What happened?_ " Nick asked lightly, referring to her fight with Amanda.

Olivia rolled her eyes at herself and then pinched the bridge of her nose.

" _I… I think I fucked up…_ " She whispered.

" _You think?_ " He asked, needed her to elaborate on what was going on so he could understand.

" _I mean…_ " Olivia thought for a second, then removed her hand from her face. " _Yeah… yeah I fucked up._ " She let out a huff.

Olivia was honestly surprised that she hadn't gotten emotional yet while talking to nick.

He looked at her with intent, silently ushering her to continue talking.

" _She told me I was self-sabotaging us…_ " Olivia confessed in a small voice. She wished she were strong. She didn't like faltering in front of Nick. He was her partner, she needed to look equally strong like him but it just wasn't happening that way for her lately.

" _Were you?_ " Nick asked, giving her those eyes, the ones that said he already knew the answer because he knew her so well.

" _Yeah…_ " She admitted. " _She'd said something and at first, I took it the wrong way but I realized I'd made a mistake, I still didn't let up though… it turned into this big argument. It just got away from me, it blew up…_ " Olivia told him sadly, looking down at her lap. She'd kicked Amanda out but truth be told, she'd give just about anything to have the blonde beside her right now.

" _She'll come around but she will need time._ " Nick told Olivia, getting her attention. She looked up at him as he continued. " _Fin couldn't get much out of her, she was a mess when she showed up at his place at four-thirty. She wouldn't say much but that you'd told her to leave and that someone needed to see if you were okay because you weren't when she left…_ "

She scoffed. " _I was fine…_ " she told him even though memories of herself huddled on the floor sobbing came flooding back into her mind.

" _That why you took so many pain pills?_ " He asked, giving her a sarcastic questioning look.

Olivia bit her bottom lip and looked away towards the window even though the blinds were closed.

" _You hurt her, Liv…_ " Nick told her lightly.

" _I know…_ " She whispered as her eyes flooded with tears. She'd figured it was only a matter of time before she got emotional.

" _Just give her some time… I think she needs a breather but she's still your girl… your hooks are in her pretty deep…_ " Nick smiled at her and Olivia smiled back, thankful that he was trying to relieve the stress and tension in the room.

Luckily, Olivia's tears never fell, she was able to keep them at bay.

" _I don't think she'll be able to handle what Lewis did to me… I… Part of me thinks she'll be unattracted to me, disgusted even…._ " Olivia told Nick. " _That's part of what the fight was about…_ " She confessed.

Olivia wasn't going to tell Nick that Amanda had told her she'd loved her. That was private, it was for Olivia and Amanda. It might get mentioned to Fin one day and maybe even Nick, but for now, it was something Olivia didn't want to tell.

" _You can try it out on me first… tell me what you plan on telling her that way you can practice how you say it and how you're gonna do it…_ " Nick tried. He had a shit-eating grin on his face though. Olivia knew what he was trying to do. It was his was of trying to get her to tell him what Lewis did to her. The entire squad wanted to know.

Olivia shook her head at him. " _Nice try…_ " She said with a small, sad smile.

Nick huffed. " _I had to try… I just… You're not okay, I know you're not…_ " He returned her sad smile.

" _Nick, you're my partner… You have to be able to trust me to have your back…_ " Olivia told him sternly. " _You won't do that if I tell you what happened and I can't look you in the eye and tell you what happened either…_ " She told him.

He bunched his eyebrows together. " _I trust you._ "

She looked at him with sad eyes. " _I'll never tell you, Nick. I'm sorry but… I won't. Ever._ " She said. " _And I don't mean not right now, I do mean never. It won't happen._ "

He swallowed hard, nodding his head in acceptance. " _I see._ "

" _But what I can tell you,_ " she started, and Nick looked at her, perking up, " _Is that you have my permission to read my case file, to go over my statement and anything else you find._ "

" _Are you sure?_ " He asked her, not wanting her to regret it later.

" _Yes._ " She told him with clear eyes. " _But don't tell me when you do it or after you've done it… and we're not going to talk about it…_ " Olivia told him strictly.

He nodded his head in acceptance. " _Alright, okay… thanks, Liv._ "

Olivia reached over and gave his hand a squeeze.

" _If it had been my partner that was taken, not knowing would be killing me…_ " She told him in a small voice. Nick gave her a small smile in understanding and squeezed her hand back.

He let go of her hand and stood up.

" _Fin says I'm supposed to make sure you eat… So, order yourself some room service while I'm here and then I'll leave._ " He told her.

Olivia rolled her eyes at Fin's request. She reached over on her side table to grab the menu.

" _You gonna be okay here alone?_ " He asked in a worried voice.

When Olivia looked up, she saw that he was staring at the scratches on the wall.

" _That's not from the fight…_ " Olivia told him. Nick looked at her skeptically. " _It's from… I got some flowers from someone who had no business sending them…_ "

She could see it clicking in his head.

" _So, you threw them into the wall?_ " He asked, realizing he'd never seen Olivia Benson in a full-on rage before.

" _Well, I… yeah…_ " Olivia sighed.

" _Who the hell were they from?_ " Nick asked. " _David?_ " He questioned.

Now Olivia was rolling her eyes for the third time since she'd woken up.

" _Elliot…_ " She whispered as she went back to staring at her menu.

" _Elliot… Stabler?_ " He questioned, walking over to inspect the wall, and then looking in the trashcan to see the shattered pieces of glass and broken flowers.

Olivia looked up at him with an eyebrow cocked. " _Do you know another Elliot that I also know?_ " she said sarcastically.

He raised both palms up at her in surrender. " _Alright…_ " Clearly this was a touchy subject and Nick probably thought it had something to do with Amanda and Olivia's fight.

She picked up the phone, placing her order to room service. Once that was done, Nick announced that he was leaving.

" _Hey…_ " She called to him, getting off the bed and walking over to him. " _The pills… give them here, Nick._ " Olivia told him sternly, in a commanding voice.

He sighed, slipping his right hand in his pocket and fished the pills out, handing them over.

" _I'm fine._ " She told him in a strong voice. " _You don't have to worry about these._ "

Nick nodded his head even though he wasn't entirely sure he believed her.

He turned to go but Olivia stopped him once again.

" _Did you… Did you see Amanda when you went to Fin's to pick up his key to my room?_ " Olivia asked.

Nick rubbed his lips together and nodded his head in confirmation.

" _How did she… How was she? How did she seem?_ " Olivia questioned, concern covering her face.

" _She acted like the woman she loved had just kicked her out of her hotel room, Liv… I don't know what you want me to say._ " Nick told her and Olivia unconsciously took a step back. " _She was hurt and sad but Fin was taking care of her. Honestly, I think she just wanted to be with you._ "

Olivia hung her head in shame. How could she have done this to the blonde. How could she have hurt her this badly. Olivia needed to get her shit together.

Nick walked closer putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. Olivia flinched slightly and Nick went to remove his hand along with giving her a string of apologies but she placed a hand over his, keeping his hand in place.

" _Thank you for caring, Nick._ " She told, making eye contact.

" _I have my phone on. I'll be at the station but call or text if you need anything…_ " He told her and Olivia nodded.

Nick left and Olivia walked back over to her bed, putting the pill bottle on her night stand and laid down while she waited for her food to arrive.

She picked up her phone with the intent to text or call Amanda but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She needed more time to get her head together and think. Amanda probably needed more time too.

They'd hit a bump in the road. Olivia's mood swings had been going full force last night and she hated herself for it. She hated herself for what she'd done to Amanda. Amanda had been through enough as it was.


	15. Danger

**Sorry it's been a while. I was trying to wait until fanfic got its shit together from being messed up. I think people are getting new chapter notifications now but I guess we'll see.**

 **I think I fucked up and started a new story, it's a two-shot right now called "Turmoil" but I'm thinking of writing another chapter. Go read it, it's my best story by far.**

 **This isn't super long but I hope it'll hold y'all over until my final exams are finished.**

 **1967 is responsible for the letter idea.**

Olivia hadn't seen Amanda in a week. Not by choice though. A lot of things had happened in the past week.

After Nick had left Olivia the initial morning after the fight with Amanda, Olivia had decided to write Amanda a letter. It consisted of her feelings for the blonde, many apologies, and begging for forgiveness. It was only a page long but then again, Olivia had never been a woman of many words and she'd never written a love letter before, if that's what it could even be called.

Olivia had put it in and envelop and dropped it off under Fin's door without knocking. She didn't want to chance seeing Amanda before the younger woman could read her letter.

The brunette hadn't heard from the younger woman any that day, but the following day, Fin filled her in on the situation when he went to pick up Olivia to take her to therapy with Dr. Lindstrom.

" _Amanda went back to Georgia._ " Fin told Olivia after he'd entered her hotel room.

" _No!_ " Olivia said very loudly and collapsed on the floor not far from the foot of the bed, shutting her eyes tightly as her tears came.

" _She left me…_ " Olivia whispered to herself.

Fin was at her side instantly. " _Hey, no, no, wait,_ " he told her. " _Lemme finish, baby girl._ " He told her as he sat down beside her and looked her in the eye.

" _There was an emergency with her sister, Kim._ " Fin explained. " _I don't know the details and neither does she, she took a red eye out early this morning, didn't wanna wake you to tell you…_ " He stated.

" _She didn't leave me?_ " Olivia asked in a whisper, wiping the tears off her face with the sleeve of her shirt like a child would.

" _Nah,_ " Fin smiled at her, putting his hand on her shoulder. " _She got your letter, just didn't have time to respond before shit went down with Kim. She promised me she'd call you soon when she got things settled with her family._ "

Olivia took a deep breath… the punched Fin on the arm lightly enough to not make a mark but get her point across.

" _The hell?_ " Fin looked at her confused with his mouth open while he rubbed his arm where she'd punched him.

" _You scared the shit out of me, Fin._ " She told him strongly.

Fin's face softened when he saw her face falter. He saw her eyes fill up with tears once more. The woman sitting on the floor in front of him was fragile and broken.

" _C'mere…_ " He whispered to her as he pulled Olivia to his chest. " _Blondie loves you so fuckin' much, Liv._ " Fin whispered as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Olivia complied and rested her head against his chest. " _I know because I held her just like this when she walked into my apartment and collapsed on the floor after she'd left your hotel room…_ "

" _I fucked her up…_ " Olivia whispered. " _I fucked us up…_ "

" _She'll be aight and so will you._ " Fin promised her.

" _Thank you for being there for her when I wasn't. It'll never happen again, I swear._ " She told Fin frantically.

" _Yeah it will…_ " Fin told her. " _I'll be there then too. All relationships go through this shit… It happens…_ " He soothed.

Olivia remained quiet and after several minutes, Fin helped her off the floor. She went into the bathroom to clean herself up, then they exited her hotel room so she'd make her therapy appointment on time.

In therapy, Olivia spoke mostly about Amanda and their fight. Dr. Lindstrom could apparently tell that something was wrong and when he'd asked what it was, she'd spilled her guts. She couldn't help it.

After therapy, Fin took Olivia to eat but as usual, she didn't eat much. They didn't make it back to her hotel room until very late in the afternoon. Fin tried to convince her to let him stay but she wasn't having it. She told him she was going to take her pain pills for her wrist and go to bed early.

Fin swallowed hard upon hearing her words.

" _Only take two this time…_ " He told her seriously.

Olivia gave him a small smile. " _I will, I promise._ "

Fin hugged her tightly, minding her ribs. He kissed her forehead. " _I love you._ " He told her. It wasn't something they said often but he seemed to think that she needed to hear it.

" _I love you too, Fin._ " Olivia whispered as she went in for another hug, this time resting her head on his shoulder. " _I've been through so much, Fin…_ "

" _I know…_ " He rubbed his right hand up and down her back slowly. " _Give it time, Liv… You'll get better. We're all behind you, you know that._ "

She sniffled and pulled away from him, nodding.

" _If you need anything, and I mean anything, you call me. It doesn't matter what time._ " He told her firmly, making eye contact so he knew she understood.

Olivia agreed and he was out the door.

She did what she had promised. She took two pain pills and then collapsed on the bed.

…

The next morning, Olivia woke up around nine. She'd slept all night but that wasn't really surprising since she had taken her pain pills. She contemplated ordering breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes were starting to sound really appealing to her but then her phone began to ring.

Olivia knew in her heart that it was Amanda before she even looked at her caller ID.

She answered the call and put it on speaker phone and laid it beside her as she snuggled deeper into the bed.

" _Hello?_ " Olivia answered.

" _Hey…_ " Came Amanda's small voice. " _I didn't wake you, did I?_ "

Olivia ignored the blonde's question.

" _Amanda…_ " Olivia said as she tried to stop her tears from coming. " _I'm sorry, baby. I'm so fucking sorry. I messed up. I messed us up. I'm sorry…_ " She failed at preventing her tears from coming. By the end of her statement, her voice had been laced with tears and sadness.

" _Olivia, hey,_ " Amanda started. " _It's okay. Listen to me, it's okay._ "

" _It's not, Amanda, it's not. I treated you like shit. You were right, I was self-sabotaging and I'm sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing and I fucked everything up._ " Olivia sniffled and tried to catch her breath.

" _I loved the letter. I'm going to keep it forever… and there's nothing that you could do or say that would scare me away… No marks or scars on your body, nothing that he did to you would ever make me not want you, Olivia. I meant what I told you…_ " Amanda said softly, and Olivia could tell that the blonde was starting to fight off her own tears. " _The 'L' word, I meant it._ " Amanda was scared to say it now. She was worried what it would do to Olivia.

" _I love you too._ " Olivia said gently into the phone. " _I love you so much and I'm sorry I couldn't say it before, I'm sorry I freaked out. We'll talk about it more when you get back. I'll explain it better, I will… just… I love you._ " Olivia said into the phone almost frantically.

" _I love you so much…_ " Amanda told her.

Olivia sniffed again. " _How's Kim?_ " She asked, trying to change the subject. She'd had enough of emotions and crying for the day.

" _Kim's… Well, Kim…_." Amanda told her. " _There's a situation… People are… near me right now and I can't discuss it but I'll-_ " Amanda was interrupted by her mother's southern voice which Olivia could hear in the background, " _Amanda, are you talking to that homosexual detective girlfriend of yours on the phone?_ "

" _Wow…_ " Olivia stated into the phone in disbelief.

" _Yeah… wow is right…_ " Amanda agreed and it sounded like a screen door slammed shut. " _I have to stay here for a few more days but I'll let you know when I can come back._ "

It sounded like a screen door opened and shut again and Olivia heard Amanda's mother's voice once more. " _Chief! What are you doing here?_ "

Olivia was listening intently and Amanda had gone quiet.

" _Just thought I'd stop by and say hi._ " Came a man's voice.

" _Amanda?_ " Olivia asked. Something was terribly wrong all of the sudden. Then Amanda's mother's voice could be heard again. " _Patton, you're always welcome here!_ " Olivia gasped and she knew Amanda could hear here.

" _Amanda,_ " Olivia tried again. " _You need to get yourself out of there._ " She heard the screen door shut again and now there were no voices. Instead, it sounded like the wind was blowing into the phone. The blonde must have gone outside.

" _I'm okay._ " Amanda stated.

" _Bullshit._ " Olivia called her on it.

" _I brought my service weapon. I shouldn't have but I did. It's strapped to my hip at all times. He's not gonna mess with me. Not with all these people around and this big mess that Kim's created._ " Amanda told her strongly.

" _I'll fly down, Amanda._ " Olivia said instantly. " _I can be there in a few hours._ "

Amanda actually laughed. " _Right, because bringing my cop girlfriend to the south where they hate anyone who isn't white and straight is a great idea…_ "

" _I'm serious. I don't give two shits what they think of me…_ " Olivia told her.

" _You have a broken wrist and you look like you got hit by a bus, Liv._ " Amanda told her. " _You're in no shape to fly and even if you were, I wouldn't allow you to come here… Not here…_ " The blonde confessed.

" _Then I'm sending Fin._ " Olivia argued.

Amanda huffed. " _Do whatever you want._ " They younger woman had replied but Olivia knew it was a green light for her to send Fin. If Amanda hadn't wanted him to come, she would have flat out said it. This was Amanda's way of still looking strong.

" _I'll get him there as soon as I can, Amanda._ " Olivia told her girlfriend.

" _Honestly, Liv, Patton… He won't do anything with everyone around… it's not his MO…_ "

" _I don't really give a fuck what his MO is. If I was there, I'd shoot him myself._ " Olivia told her with anger. Amanda didn't need to be able to see Olivia to know there was fire in the brunette's eyes.

" _I love you…_ " Came the blonde's small voice, trying to calm her girlfriend down.

" _Oh, baby… I love you too._ " Olivia replied instantly.

" _Let me go so I can call Fin._ "

" _Okay…_ " Amanda responded.

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Olivia immediately dialed Fin's number. He answered quickly, of course because it was Olivia calling him. She explained the situation and he was on board instantly. Even Cragen understood because he knew the situation at hand. He didn't care if they were short staffed, he ordered Fin to go to Atlanta to be with Amanda until her family mess had gotten cleared up.

Fin ended up staying with the blonde for five days before everything settled down and they could come back to New York.

Now, Olivia sat on her bed impatiently, waiting on Fin and Amanda to get back from the airport.

She'd gone to therapy while they were gone, Nick had driven her. She'd been taking her meds right and all her pills correctly. Her arm was healing and so were her bruises. You couldn't tell that her lip had been busted anymore and the stitches in her forehead were starting to dissolve finally.

She couldn't wait to see Amanda, to have the woman back in her arms again. She'd been working with Dr. Lindstrom on how to be closer to Amanda and how to work up to telling her things that had happened with Lewis, and working up to showing the young woman her scarred chest. It was going to be hard but Olivia was going to do it as soon as she could work up the nerve to.


	16. Chapter 16

Over the week without Amanda, Olivia had had two flashbacks and one panic attack. She wasn't exactly surprised because she was well aware of PTSD and what sexual assault victims went through.

She'd talked to her therapist about the incidents but that was it. She didn't tell anyone else what had happened. She'd flashed back and had the panic attack while she was alone in her hotel room anyways. Olivia was getting good at being able to pull herself back to reality on her own. Of course, she'd never had any sense of how much time had lapsed during her flashbacks because it's not like she got a chance to glance at the clock before they happened.

Waiting on Amanda was nerve wracking. This entire ordeal was nerve wracking. Olivia Benson was used to being the strong one in their relationship and now she felt weak and frail.

She had changed her position from sitting on the bed to laying on the bed. And then, she'd accidentally fallen asleep. The previous night, she'd hadn't slept well anyways so of course her body was craving a nap.

Olivia didn't hear the gentle knock on her door, nor did she hear the door open.

Fin and Amanda approached the brunette with caution. It was never a good idea to sneak up on a sexual assault victim.

The blonde saw that Olivia was sound asleep but she knew the woman would want to be woken up.

Fin stood at the end of the bed as Amanda walked closer.

" _Liv…_ " Amanda whispered as she gently sat down on the side of the bed that Olivia was facing, careful not to touch her. " _Olivia…_ " Amanda called a bit louder.

The older woman's eye fluttered open slowly. As soon as Olivia realized Amanda was sitting in front of her, she gasped, grabbing the woman and pulled Amanda on top of her so that the blonde was straddling her.

" _Woah!_ " Fin said loudly. " _I'm here!_ " He stated. " _Odafin Tutuola is in the room…_." He aimed at Olivia to let her know that if she was about to get handsy, that he'd rather not be present for that.

Olivia chuckled and pulled Amanda down to her chest, engulfing her in a hug.

" _God, I missed you…_ " She whispered to the younger woman, then leaned up to kiss her. Amanda returned the kiss of course but she was surprised that Olivia had pulled her to where she was straddling the brunette. They were still walking on eggshells a bit since Olivia had been assaulted.

It was clear Fin felt like he was invading in on a private moment.

" _Aight… I'm gonna go…_ " Fin said as he turned and headed for the door.

" _Wait,_ " Olivia called to him as she gently rolled over, making Amanda land softly on the bed. " _I need to speak with Fin… I'll be right back._ " Olivia told the younger woman as she kissed her again, then released her from her arms.

The brunette got off the bed and walked Fin to the door, stepping out in the hallway with him.

" _What happened down there?_ " Olivia asked him as they slowly walked to the elevator.

" _Not much…_ " He told her silently.

" _Fin… don't baby me. What happened?_ " Olivia demanded.

" _I'm bein' for real. Nothin' happened. I got there and made sure to get a hotel room for blondie… I stopped her from staying with her mom and sister…_ " Fin stated.

" _Why?_ " Olivia asked as her eyes narrowed.

" _I just… didn't feel it was safe._ " Fin simply said as he shrugged.

" _I know Patton was there._ " Olivia told him. " _I could hear him through the fucking phone, Fin. He's the whole reason I sent you down there…_ " She said with fire in her eyes. " _Did he get near her? Did he touch her? I swear to god if he so much as harmed one hair on her head-_ "

" _Hey…_ " Fin called to her, trying to calm her down. " _She's alright. He didn't do anything to her._ " Fin promised. " _The one time he came to our hotel to talk to her, I showed him the door… and he didn't come back…_ " Fin said matter-of-factly.

He smiled at her. " _Your girl's fine, Liv._ "

Olivia bit her bottom lip.

" _She's not fine… she just had to face her rapist… Do you know how hard that is, Fin?_ " Olivia asked and he looked at her with sad eyes. "I _f I even think about how I have to go to court and see Lewis, just having to be in the same room with him, breathe the same air… I… I freak out and am on the verge of a panic attack… and I wasn't even raped…_ "

" _Your assault is fresh…_ " Fin reminded her. " _Amanda's had to face him several times since her attack… as sad as it is, she knows how to navigate this. Let her._ "

Olivia huffed and nodded her head.

" _I know Cragen wasn't too happy having to send you to Atlanta, especially since we're short staffed…_ " Olivia commented.

" _He understands… plus we have the newbies filling in for you and blondie, we'll be fine._ " He smiled at her.

Fin mashed the button for the elevator and turned back to her.

" _Can I hug you?_ " He asked almost shyly.

She smiled. " _Never ask me that… never._ " Olivia told him, just as she had previously, and she walked closer to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. " _I'm glad you went and I'm glad you got back safely._ " She said. Fin wrapped his arms around her shoulders, landing one hand on the back of her head. He stroked her hair lightly.

" _I've never come so close to committing murder before…_ " Fin whispered in her ear as he hugged her tighter.

" _I want to kill him too, if it makes you feel any better… I probably could and blame it on the PTSD and get away with it…_ " Olivia joked lightly.

Fin took a deep breath as the elevator arrived and he pulled out of her embrace.

" _Aight… you got my number._ " He told her, letting her know that she could still call or text him anytime she needed him, just as she'd always been able to do for as long as she could remember.

Olivia nodded and smiled at him and he stepped on the elevator. Then she turned to head back to her hotel room.

When she got back to the door, she'd realized the mistake that she'd made for the third time now.

" _Fucking hell…_ " Olivia sighed as she raised her hand to knock.

" _Amanda?_ " She called. " _I… I left my fucking key in the room again…_ " Olivia stated in an annoyed voice.

The door opened to reveal a giggling blonde who'd apparently changed into sweat pants and a t-shirt.

A thin smile appeared on Olivia's face. She walked forward, grabbing Amanda's waist and walking her backwards until the back of her knees hit the bed.

Olivia pushed her down lightly and Amanda scooted backwards until she was all the way on the bed. The brunette followed her straddling her.

Amanda gave her a questioning look as Olivia leaned down and kissed her. It was a longing kiss. Even though they'd already kissed twice, this one was hungrier. Then Olivia broke the kiss by kissing the younger woman's cheek, then trailing down her neck and to her collar bone.

" _When was the last time you got yourself off?_ " Olivia asked, whispering in the blonde's ear.

The younger woman's eyes went wide and the smile left her face as she realized what Olivia was trying to progress to.

" _No!_ " Amanda said quickly, grabbing Olivia's shoulders and pushing her back lightly.

Olivia relented, leaning back slowly and huffing.

" _I missed you… you know I did._ " Amanda told her. " _But you don't have to do this. I don't need this… you here with me now, it's enough, Liv._ " The blonde told her lovingly.

The older woman sat back on her knees, still straddling Amanda, and ran a hand through her hair.

" _So, I was talking with my therapist while you were gone…_ " Olivia started.

" _Oh god, about getting me off!?_ " Amanda exclaimed in a mixture of shock, annoyance, and embarrassment.

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _No… well, not specifically._ " She told her, reaching out to lace her fingers with Amanda's.

The blonde stayed silent, waiting for Olivia to continue.

" _You're a woman… you won't trigger me like a man would… and I wasn't even raped…_ " The brunette told her. " _Dr. Lindstrom thinks it'd be okay if I tried to… service you._ " Olivia said almost shyly. " _The sooner we try sexual things and work towards that end goal, the sooner I'll be back to normal…_ " She told her girlfriend.

" _I don't want you to try anything that you're not ready for. I don't want you to push yourself, Liv._ " Amanda told her.

" _This…_ " Olivia stated, gesturing between the two of them. " _It has to be with my rules… I'm not trying to dominate you or anything like that… it just… it has to be at my pace. I'm sorry that's how it has to be but it won't last forever. We'll get back to normal, I promise._ " Olivia stressed to her.

" _Are you truly comfortable with this? Are you sure this is what you want?_ " The blonde questioned.

" _I know we have some things to talk about, and I still have something things that happened to me that I want to tell you about but… I'd like to do this… I need to do this._ " Olivia told her honestly, squeezing her hands. " _I mean, unless you… if you don't want to-_ "

" _I do._ " Amanda whispered softly as she released Olivia's hands and moved them to the older woman's face, bringing her down for a deep kiss. " _You know I do._ " She whispered after the kiss. " _I'm just… I'm scared it's too soon and I'm going to trigger you or you're going to flashback or-_ "

" _Let me judge what I'm ready for and what I'm not… please?_ " Olivia begged Amanda. " _I know myself and I know my body. Let me try this…_ "

" _Okay._ " Amanda relented.

" _Okay?_ " Olivia tested.

" _Yes, okay but if and only if you're okay with it._ " The blonde told her sternly.

Olivia nodded and gave Amanda a smile, a real smile.

" _What uh… what do you need me to do?_ " The younger woman asked.

" _Um… well no touching. I know you love to touch me but you can't. I need you to keep your hands to yourself while I do this… grab the comforter if you need to but… I don't know what touches set me off yet so it's safer to…_ "

" _No touching, got it._ " Amanda stated, looking into Olivia's eyes. " _What else?_ "

" _Uh… I need to do all the work… just let me do everything alright?_ " Olivia said hesitantly.

" _You're in control, I'll never take that from you, ever, Olivia._ " Amanda promised.

" _It won't always be like this… I'm sorry._ " The brunette told her, all the sudden beginning to get sad that their love life had to be this way.

" _Don't you dare… we're working on this. You even entertaining the idea of this is progress._ " Amanda stressed. " _Listen, don't feel obligated to… finish me off. If you need to stop or… whatever, I'll be okay. You'll be okay. We will both be okay…_ " Amanda whispered as she brought the brunette down for another kiss.

Olivia sat back up after that. " _Lean up and take your shirt off? Please?_ " She asked.

" _Okay…_ " Amanda said while smiling. " _I don't have a bra on under it, is that alright?_ "

" _You wouldn't have had one on for long anyway…_ " Olivia flirted.

Amanda took her shirt off and threw it on the floor as she laid back down on the bed. Olivia bit her lip as she looked at the blonde's chest, taking her beauty in. The brunette's eyes were filled with lust and love and she couldn't deny that there was something stirring in her lower belly.

" _Liv…_ " Amanda whined as she turned red and covered her face from embarrassment. This reminded Olivia of how Amanda was when they'd first gotten together. The young woman had been extremely shy about anything sexual.

Olivia grabbed Amanda's hands and put them on the bed by her sides. " _No touching starting now, okay? Is that alright?_ " She tested.

" _Yes…_ " Amanda whispered, her eyes filled with love and desire.

Olivia bent down and began kissing Amanda's collar bone, picking up from where she'd initially left off. The older woman would be lying if she denied that she was nervous but she was confident too. She fully believed she could do this. In fact, she'd been mentally preparing for it from the moment that she and Dr. Lindstrom had discussed it.

Making her way down Amanda's chest, Olivia's mouth finally made it to the woman's right nipple, which she took into her hot mouth instantly.

" _Ohhh…_ " Amanda's back arched into her girlfriend's mouth instantly.

" _Shit… shit I'm sorry… Liv, I'm sorry._ " The blonde began apologizing profusely.

Olivia actually laughed. " _It's okay… you can move, as long as you don't touch me, don't grab me or put your hand in my hair, we're good._ " Olivia said as she gazed at Amanda with hooded eyes before dipping back down and taking the opposite nipple.

" _Oh, god…_ " Amanda moaned as her back arched again. " _This is good… it's so fucking good…_ "

Olivia smiled against her skin. She leaned up and scooted back enough to where she could shimmy Amanda's sweat pants and panties down to her knees, then she resumed her position of sitting on the blonde's pelvis.

Olivia had to be mindful of her broken wrist. While it wasn't hurting right now, she knew it would be later due to the activities that she was about to partake in.

As soon as Amanda felt the cool air collide with her core, she gasped. It'd been a while since she and Olivia had been together. She'd missed her girlfriends touch.

The older woman ran her hands over Amanda's nipples slowly, which caused Amanda to blow out a long breath of air and bite her bottom lip as she closed her eyes. Olivia was careful to let only her fingers from her left-hand grace Amanda's skin because she didn't want to scratch the woman's body with her cast.

Olivia massaged her breasts and hardened nipples. She slid backwards on her knees and massaged down her stomach until she got to the top of Amanda's mound and even began massaging that too.

The blonde's hips raised slightly as she fisted the comforter with both hands in anticipation.

Olivia ran her right slowly down Amanda's mound that was covered in a light patch of hair, running her fingers through her lips. The younger woman's arousal was clearly evident.

" _Ah, fuck…_ " Came from Amanda's mouth.

Olivia smiled. " _You're so wet, baby…_ " She commented.

" _I missed you a lot… like a lot a lot…_ " Amanda told her with a smile.

The brunette moved on the bed to Amanda's right. She reached up with her left hand and grabbed a handful of Amanda's right breast while her right hand slowly slid two fingers into the younger woman.

" _Ohhh…_ " Amanda moaned as her face contorted with her eyes closed. Her legs had widened automatically, pushing her sweat pants and panties further down her legs. " _That's good… shit, that's so good, Liv…_ " Amanda's breathing was speeding up. Olivia knew she was nearing her goal.

While pumping two fingers in and out of Amanda, Olivia's left hand lightly pinched her nipple. Olivia was so happy her left wrist was broken instead of her right one. That would have made this so much harder, especially since she's left-handed.

" _Oh, god!_ " Amanda moaned loudly as her hips began moving in rhythm to Olivia's fingers.

The older woman smiled as she sped up her movements. She added a third finger and let the pad of her thumb massage the top of Amanda's clit.

" _Mmm…_ " Amanda moaned.

Olivia continued the work of her right hand while bending down and taking the woman's right nipple into her mouth, sucking and nipping at it hard.

Within seconds, Amanda was crashing over the edge.

" _Fuckfuckfuck…. Ahh!_ " She nearly shouted as she came hard. Her entire body shook and her hips raised off the bed slightly. Her face contorted as her eyes closed and pulled on the comforter so hard that it came untucked from the corners of the bed. " _God that's good… so good Olivia… you're so good…_ " She said as she came down from her high.

Olivia smiled at the younger woman while biting on her bottom lip. She reached down and pulled Amanda's pants and panties up to her waist.

" _Can I touch you now?_ " Amanda asked, her face still flushed from her orgasm.

Olivia turned to her and laid down beside her, wrapping her arms around the blonde's waist and kissing her. Amanda knew this was her girlfriend's way of telling her that touching was okay now, so Amanda wrapped her arms around the older woman's shoulders.

" _I love you._ " Amanda told her.

" _And I love you so much… you know that right?_ " Olivia told her, looking into her eyes.

Amanda sat up slightly, turning on her side and put her right hand on Olivia's cheek while resting her forehead against the brunettes. " _I'm not mad…_ " Amanda whispered with her eyes shut and Olivia shut hers as well. " _About the fight or about you sending Fin or not being able to say that you love me… I'm not mad about any of it…_ " She told her.

Olivia's eyes started watering even though they were closed.

" _You've been through so much… I've been through a lot too… we're the perfect pair… we just… we fit, Olivia._ " Amanda told the older woman as they both opened their eyes again.

" _I didn't mean to hurt you…_ " Olivia said in a small voice, trying to keep her tears at bay. " _I'm fucked up… I've already told you that. I'm gonna mess up and have good days and bad… it comes with the territory…_ "

They were both ignoring the fact that Amanda was still topless.

Amanda smiled as tears welled up in her own eyes.

" _I know that. Don't forget I've been there…_ " The blonde told her, then leaned back and started to run her hand through Olivia's hair then stopped as she remembered it could be triggering so she settled for tracing Olivia's jawline instead. " _You're so beautiful…_ " Amanda commented.

Olivia chuckled lightly. " _Ha yeah well, you haven't seen the rest of me…_ " She tried to joke.

" _I don't care what the rest of you looks like… you're here with me and you survived. That's what I care about…_ " Amanda said.

Olivia's bottom lip quivered as her tears spilled onto her face and she looked at Amanda with sad eyes.

" _C'mere…_ " Amanda whispered as she pulled Olivia in for an even tighter hug. She felt Olivia's hands on her naked back and she remembered that she was shirtless. " _Here…_ " The blonde commented, pulling away. " _Let me get my shirt, hold on…_ "

" _No._ " Olivia pulled Amanda against her more tightly. " _No… This is good… skin-on-skin is good…_ " The older woman stated as she moved back slightly and ran her right hand slowly down the center of Amanda's front. The blonde was instantly reminded of the night that they spend on the bathroom floor.

" _Alright, okay…_ " Amanda soothed. " _Just tell me you're not emotional… you're not upset because of what just happened, what we just did?_ " The younger woman asked gently.

"No, god no." Olivia said quickly. " _That was good, it was progress and I want to do it again. I'm… I'm proud I can do that… that I can still…_ " She trailed off.

" _You will never not turn me on if that's what you're worried about…_ " Amanda told her.

" _I think in the back of my mind I know that but… the things he said and the psychological torture… I can't always control the voices in my head, his voice in my head…_ " Olivia stated and she'd told Amanda this before.

" _I know. Anytime you need reassurance, just ask._ " The blonde told her, then leaned in for a small kiss. " _I'm so happy we can kiss again. I've missed kissing you…_ " She said with a smile.

Olivia's tears had stopped now and her face was almost dry and Amanda wiped away the remaining water.

" _Are you hungry? Have you eaten? I haven't. I'm starving. Wanna order something?_ " Amanda asked, changing their topic, hoping to lighten the mood.

" _Oh yeah, let's get some food._ " Olivia agreed.

Amanda got up and put her shirt back on then grabbed the room service menu. She was sexually satisfied and hadn't felt like going out anytime soon.

They each picked something out to eat and Olivia called down to order it. The two women cuddled and watched television while they waited on their food. Olivia got a couple of texts from Nick, making sure she still wanted him to pick her up for her therapy session tomorrow. Olivia told him yes.

When their food arrived, they ate in bed. Olivia told her about small things that she'd missed since she'd been in Atlanta, like the latest episode of the singing show that they somehow had managed to accidentally get attached to.

" _You know, you go back to work in a few days…_ " Olivia commented.

" _I know…_ " Amanda made a face.

" _I'll be fine. I survived on my own without you for a week, I think I'll be okay during the day…_ " Olivia grinned, trying to joke.

Amanda rolled her eyes but smiled.

They finished eating and set their trays outside the door like they were supposed to when they were done.

Olivia went to the bathroom to change into sleep clothes, pee, and brush her teeth. Amanda was already in bed when the brunette exited the bathroom. She crawled in bed behind the blonde and wrapped her arms around her.

" _I love you…_ " She whispered in Amanda's ear. It's like once she finally said it, she couldn't stop.

" _I love you too._ " Amanda replied, covering Olivia's hand that lay on her stomach with her own.

They were both quiet for a bit but Olivia could tell her girlfriend was still awake. Her mind was probably going ninety to nothing. A lot had happened over the past week for both of them.

" _Can you tell me what all happened in Atlanta this past week?_ " Olivia asked gently.

 **Thoughts?**


	17. Chapter 17

" _Can you tell me what all happened in Atlanta this past week?_ " Olivia asked gently.

" _No._ " Amanda whispered back, her hand tightening around Olivia's hand that rested on her belly. They were both still laying on their right sides, the blonde's back to the brunette's front.

Olivia was worried now. She'd been worried before but now she was really worried. She had feared for Amanda's safety the whole time the blonde had been in Georgia. It's why she'd sent Fin to her aid.

The younger woman hadn't been re-victimized, Olivia knew that much. She could tell. If Amanda had been assaulted again, her body would show it, her actions and emotions would have given the blonde away by now. If her girlfriend had been assaulted again, she would have never let Olivia fuck her earlier.

" _Okay…_ " Olivia answered softly. " _I can accept that, you don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to._ " The brunette leaned in to kiss Amanda's cheek.

Amanda turned around in Olivia's arms, turning on her left side to face the older woman and kissing her full on the lips. It was a sweet, tender kiss.

" _I just don't want ruin how good today was, how good earlier was for us…_ " Amanda smiled, looking into Olivia's eyes as she turned a shade of pink from mentioning their intimate moment that occurred a couple of hours ago.

The night light that Fin had brought Olivia was still working well. It was just enough light for the two women to see each other but not too bright that it'd keep them awake.

Olivia swallowed. " _Maybe it'd be good for you to have a session soon?_ " Olivia asked. Amanda hadn't been going to therapy for a few weeks now. It used to be that she'd go once or twice a month to keep herself in check but after a while, she was doing so well that she stopped going all together.

Truthfully, Amanda should have started back seeing her therapist when Olivia was taken by Lewis but the blonde just couldn't bring herself to do it.

Amanda buried her head into Olivia's shoulder and groaned. " _I don't wanna…_ " She whined.

Olivia released a small laugh and wrapped her arms completely around the younger woman, making sure to place her right hand on the back of Amanda's head for extra comfort.

" _You don't have to…_ " The brunette said. " _It was only a suggestion… I'm worried about you._ " Olivia told her.

" _All we do is worry about each other…_ " Amanda mumbled into Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia sighed. " _I know… I know…_ " She said as she hugged the blonde tighter.

Amanda pulled herself back from Olivia's embrace and cupped the older woman's face with both of her small hands. Olivia smiled at the touch, the warmth of Amanda's hands on her cheeks.

" _I love you._ " Amanda said in a tiny voice. " _I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that._ "

The brunette leaned in for a kiss. " _I'll never get tired of hearing it…_ " Olivia told her as she pulled back. " _And Amanda, there will be times that I need to hear it…_ "

" _I know. You've got a long road ahead of you._ " The blonde replied. " _I'll be here every step of the way until you ask me not to be._ "

Olivia bit her bottom lip and glanced away for a moment before returning her gaze. She was feeling guilty about their fight again because she'd pushed Amanda away. She'd caused an argument that had hurt them both. It was something that they still needed to talk about.

" _If you ask me not to,_ " Amanda said, breaking Olivia from her thoughts. " _If you ask me to back down or step away, I will. Don't be afraid to ask for space… I'll give it to you._ " Amanda promised.

" _Oh, babe…_ " Olivia huffed as she eased herself closer to the blonde's chest, burying her face in between Amanda's cleavage even though her face was separated from the blonde's skin by the t-shirt. The older woman slipped her arms carefully around Amanda's small waist, doing it gently because of her casted left wrist. Olivia was ready to get the damn thing off, four and a half weeks to go…

Amanda smiled at Olivia's snuggling and put a hand on her back. She was itching to put it in her hair but she feared it.

It was like the brunette read her mind because Olivia's casted hand reached for Amanda's elbow and pushed it until the tips of Amanda's fingers entered the dark strands of Olivia's hair. The younger woman went with the flow, easing her hand up Olivia's scalp and massaging her head.

Olivia moaned in pleasure. She'd been stressed lately, more than usual simply because Amanda had been gone. Sure, she had survived without the blonde but Olivia had missed her so incredibly much, more than she thought she would or should. It almost scared her how much she needed the younger woman.

They were joined now, even more so than they ever were before. They'd both been through traumas and each woman had taken a part in the healing of each event, even though Olivia's was fresh and she was still dealing with all of it.

Olivia gently pushed Amanda until the blonde relented and rolled over onto her back. Olivia then lifted Amanda's shirt up just enough to rest her face on the warm skin of the blonde's belly.

" _Let's go to sleep._ " Olivia said after placing a light kiss on Amanda's skin and snuggling more into her stomach, hugging her girlfriend's small waist.

" _Okay… goodnight._ " Amanda whispered as she continued to run her fingers through the brunette strands, relaxing Olivia into a deep sleep.

Both women dreamed but neither one remembered what it was by the time they awoke. There were no nightmares or night terrors thank goodness. Their first night back together was able to be peaceful.

Now it was Friday morning and Amanda stretched lazily as she rolled over on her belly and stifled a yawn.

The younger woman gasped lightly and her eyes popped open as she felt a hand lightly squeeze her ass. When she opened her eyes, she saw Olivia staring at her, biting her lip with a small on her face. The sun was shining bright and it made Olivia look radiant.

" _You're smiling…_ " Amanda commented and Olivia rolled her eyes but continued to smile. " _A real smile too…_ "

" _Because I'm waking up with you beside me…_ " Olivia said.

" _I love it when you smile…_ " Amanda stated as she blushed.

Olivia got up to straddle Amanda's waist even though she was still laying on her stomach. The older woman pushed up the t-shirt and began to massage her girlfriend's back.

" _Mmmm…_ " Amanda moaned as her muscles were relieved of stress and tension.

" _You know what I love?_ " Olivia asked in a soft voice as she leaned down to whisper in Amanda's ear.

" _Hmm?_ " Amanda hummed with her eyes closed but her eyebrows raising in question as the left cheek of her face pressed further into the soft hotel pillow due to Olivia's massage.

" _I love it when you scream my name…_ " Olivia purred into Amanda's ear causing her to gasp for the second time this morning.

Amanda was quiet for a second before she raised up on her elbows and began to roll over on her back. Olivia raised up on her knees briefly to give the blonde enough room to roll over, then sank back down, straddling her again.

The younger woman cocked her head to the side as she gazed at the woman on top of her. There was no way Amanda was going to let Olivia get her off again. Not now, not this soon.

" _What's gotten into you?_ " Amanda asked as she reached for the brunette's hands to still them from running down her chest.

Olivia bit her lip and sighed. " _I don't know…_ " She said as she looked towards the window before gazing back at Amanda.

They sat like that for a moment. Amanda took in Olivia's facial expression and the dark circles under her eyes. She'd lost sleep but it was no surprise.

Amanda's hand released Olivia's casted hand and reached up to her face. The blonde's right had caressed Olivia's check and the older woman turned her face into Amanda's warm palm. Then, Amanda slipped her hand down Olivia's neck and into her hair line boldly.

" _Come here…_ " Amanda whispered and Olivia obeyed, letting her body cover Amanda's as she rested her head on Amanda's right shoulder.

" _I love you, Olivia…_ " Came the blonde's soft voice.

Olivia snuggled more into Amanda's neck as she listened to the woman speak. Amanda's left arm held tightly onto Olivia's back as her right hand massaged the back of Olivia's neck.

" _I love you and you don't have to please me for me to stay…_ " She whispered and Olivia tried her best to fight off tears. She hadn't even realized what she was doing, it was like her mind was on autopilot. Yes, she'd wanted to pleasure Amanda yesterday and she wanted to this morning as well but maybe there was an unconscious motive behind it. One that she hadn't even realized she had.

It was like Olivia didn't even know herself anymore half the time.

" _I left because you told me to… and I came back because I wanted to and you asked._ " Amanda continued, her hand moving up and down Olivia's neck. The blonde felt Olivia's hot tears on her neck and she let her left hand massage up and down Olivia's back.

" _It's okay, Liv…_ " Amanda soothed. " _It's alright… we're okay, I promise._ "

Olivia took a deep breath and sat up slowly, allowing Amanda adequate time to remove her arms. She sat up on her knees, removing herself from Amanda's body without making eye contact. Then she reached over to grab a tissue from the nightstand before sitting Indian style on the bed facing Amanda.

Taking another deep breath, Olivia played with the tissue as her hands sat in her lap while she began to speak. " _You deserve to know why I freaked out so much during our argument… you deserve to know why I couldn't handle you telling me 'I love you', why it was difficult on me…_ "

" _You don't have to._ " Amanda told her. " _It can wait until you're ready._ "

" _I'm ready._ " Olivia promised her even though tears filled the dark brown eyes.

Amanda nodded and Olivia lifted her hand to push a strand of hair behind her ear before she continued.

" _No one has ever told me 'I love you' in that sense before. Cragen's said it, Fin's said it, even Munch has mumbled it but I've never had a lover say it… my own mother never even said it…_ " Olivia confessed as tears made their way down her cheeks.

Amanda looked surprised as she sat up slowly and propped pillows up behind her, adjusting to sit against the headboard. " _No one's ever…?_ " She questioned.

They'd talked about past lovers before when they were just becoming friends. Both women had confided in one another about who they'd loved and who they hadn't but they'd never discussed the actual words "I love you".

" _No…_ " Olivia answered. She closed her eyes and ran a hand through her messy hair. " _I said it to one of my mother's students when I was just a teenager but I didn't really know what love was then. And I waited so long for Elliot to say it. I wanted to hear it from his lips so badly… I knew he felt it I just… he never said it._ " Amanda knew Elliot was never one of Olivia's lovers. They'd talked about that long before Lewis. Even so, the blonde knew that her girlfriend had been in love with her partner. Olivia had confessed that much.

" _It scared me when you said it because I had convinced myself that I didn't deserve it…_ " Olivia took a moment to wipe her face and nose with the tissue. " _I mean, Jesus, I'm in my mid-forties and I've never had a lover tell me they love me. That has to say something about me as a person…_ " Olivia sighed. " _I… I never told Elliot how I felt but he knew. In a way, I'm glad we never said those words because it would have broken us both._ " The brunette continued. " _But hearing you say those words almost tore me in half-_ "

" _I never would have said it if I had known it would hurt you so badly._ " Amanda gently interrupted her gently, reaching out to lay her hand on Olivia's knee, giving it a small squeeze.

Olivia smiled a watery smile at Amanda and the younger woman retracted her hand.

" _It almost tore me in half, but it also saved me…_ " Olivia explained. " _You're just…_ " She shrugged. " _You're it for me…_ " The brunette said. " _You are this beautiful, amazing, perfect human being that I connect with on levels I didn't even know existed… this is my shot at happiness and I'm going to try not to fuck it up but I can't promise you I won't._ "

Amanda looked at Olivia with care and concern. " _You deserve all the love in the world, Olivia._ " She told her girlfriend. " _And I'm gonna do my best to give it to you. You deserve to be loved… you deserve to be happy._ " Amanda tried to tell her, but she knew from her own experience that it was easier said than done.

" _I'll fuck it up too… it'll be alright. We'll survive it…_ " The younger woman said. " _Hell, Fin'll be here to pick us both up when we fall down…_ " She joked causing Olivia to laugh. Fin was uncomfortable half the time when they were being affectionate and he was in the room. It wasn't because they were women, it was just because he knew each woman so well and because they were all friends. Sometimes it was awkward for him which made it funnier for both women.

" _I've been thinking…_ " Olivia said as she dried her tears.

" _About what?_ "

" _Do you think we should disclose?_ "

" _Is that what you want?_ " Amanda asked.

Olivia shrugged. " _We'll need to do it at some point. I'm worried about the trial… Lewis knows about us… if he brings it up in open court… you worked my case, I don't know what'll happen if they try to use that against me in court._ " She told Amanda. " _I don't know if it'll hurt us or help us if we disclose…_ "

" _Maybe you should talk to Barba._ " Amanda suggested. She was secretly happy that Olivia's tears had long stopped flowing.

Olivia's face showed slight shock. " _Oh God… Barba…_ "

Amanda was confused momentarily until she finally caught on. " _What? Oh…_ "

Olivia pressed her lips together tightly. " _He doesn't know about us. Cragen knows, Fin, Nick, Munch, and even Tucker but… I don't think anyone told Barba…_ "

The blonde nodded, not knowing what she needed to say. Olivia had always been closer to Barba than she had.

" _I have to meet with him soon anyways because of stuff for the case and the court proceedings… I'll tell him and ask what he thinks we should do…_ " Olivia said. " _Is that okay with you?_ "

Amanda smiled. " _You're here safe and sound. I don't care who knows about us, Liv… I'll transfer out if I need to. I just… I wanna be with you in every way possible._ "

Olivia smiled and leaned forward to kiss Amanda on the lips.

" _I need to shower._ " Olivia said as she pulled back. " _I have a therapy appointment today._ "

" _Want me to drive you?_ " Amanda asked.

Olivia shook her head 'no'.

" _Fin's gonna pick me up._ " The brunette told her. " _I think he's gotten use to it. Sometimes he swaps out with Nick… it's how they spend time with me and check up on me…_ " Amanda laughed. " _If you take me, Fin will give you shit about stealing me away and keeping me to yourself for too long…_ "

" _Maybe I should. That'd be a funny argument._ " Amanda commented and Olivia laughed in agreement.


	18. Chapter 18

**I can't promise I'll be able to update often so just bear with me.**

 **I've been in Dallas for the National Sexual Assault Conference, which was awesome by the way. Everyone attending was offered to attend a screening of "I AM EVIDENCE" which is Mariska's documentary. It was amazing, I cried, and you get to hear Mariska say "Fuck you".**

Olivia slipped into the shower behind Amanda.

" _What are you doing?_ " The blonde asked curiously. " _I have shampoo washing over my face… I can't see you._ "

" _That's the point._ " Olivia replied lightly with a smile. " _Stay facing that way, okay?_ "

Amanda agreed and continued to wash the shampoo out of her hair. The brunette had entered the shower while her girlfriend was washing out her hair on purpose. It'd been a little over a month since Olivia had been sexually interactive with Amanda, a month since Amanda had gotten back from Georgia.

Olivia wasn't ready for Amanda to see the marks on her body. She wasn't ready to show her the healing wounds that were more so scars now.

Water cascaded over them both as Olivia came behind Amanda and wrapped her arms around the smaller woman's waist.

" _I've missed you…_ " Olivia replied, kissing the side of Amanda's neck. Amanda smiled, knowing that Olivia had purely come into the shower for comfort and to be close to her. The blonde was on her period. Olivia knew that and Olivia could also tell she was bloated, there'd be no way she'd try anything with Amanda right now, especially when the blonde felt like her ovaries were exploding.

" _I've missed you too._ " Amanda replied as she ran her fingers through her hair to make sure she got all the shampoo out.

A little over three weeks ago, Amanda started back to work. Days without the blonde at her side were longer for Olivia.

Olivia let her hands roam over the blonde's stomach, gently massaging and trying to sooth the pain that her period was causing her.

" _I um… I put in for a transfer…_ " Amanda told her in a small voice.

Olivia's hands stilled briefly as she took a deep breath, then continued her movements. She'd talked to Barba a couple of weeks ago and he'd said Amanda or Olivia one needed to be out of the unit if they were going to continue to try and pursue whatever their relationship was.

To be honest, he'd been a bit short with her and he hadn't seemed at all surprised about them being together, which meant someone had told him and he was a bit upset that Olivia hadn't said something to him. He was likely more upset because basically everyone they worked with now knew about it but him.

Barba had also said that Lewis bringing up their relationship wouldn't really help his case and if anything, it would make him a target for a hate crime charge because Olivia was a lesbian and they were certain at least a few of the past women he'd attacked were bisexual. Then Olivia had corrected him and told him sharply not to label her, and that she liked both sexes. Barba had just ignored her comment and moved on.

" _You tell Fin?_ " Olivia asked.

" _Not yet._ " Amanda relied.

" _Do it. Fast._ " The brunette told her. " _Don't let Cragen do it. It'll hurt Fin, bad._ "

" _Liv… I wanna turn around._ " Amanda told her.

" _Okay…_ " Olivia grabbed up the wet wash cloth and spread it over her chest. It stuck in place simply because it was wet. " _Turn around._ "

Amanda turned slowly and caught sight of the rag. There was almost disappointment in her eyes but she put her arms around Olivia's neck.

" _I'm not going to do to Fin what Elliot did to you…_ " Amanda said. " _I'm still going to hang out with him. We'll still talk. I'll still be his friend and have his back when he needs me to._ " She said and then leaned in to give Olivia a kiss.

When they pulled back, Olivia gazed at her and wonder how in the world she'd gotten so lucky.

" _And Liv,_ " Amanda tried. " _Whatever is under here…_ " She said as she fingered the edges of the cloth covering the brunette's chest. " _It's not going to scare me away. I'm not going to be unattracted to you. The only thing it will do is fuel my hate for William Lewis._ " Amanda stated strongly.

" _I love you and that won't change because of what's under here…_ "

" _Why do you want to see?_ " Olivia asked, actually considering the blonde's request.

" _Because I miss you… I miss these…_ " Amanda said quietly as she traced the outline of Olivia's breasts. " _And I miss us… I want you to trust me with this._ "

" _Trust isn't the problem… and the breasts you remember aren't what these are anymore…_ "

" _I know._ " Amanda replied. " _I'll love them no matter what, Olivia._ " The blonde hummed as she leaned in to kiss Olivia. They'd made so much progress in the past week and most of it was thanks to Olivia's therapist. She'd followed the steps and done the exercises she'd been given.

It was becoming easier to let Amanda back in. It was happening much faster than Olivia thought it would.

The brunette swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

" _I'm going to remove this cloth and I'm going to close my eyes as I do it. I don't want to see your reaction._ " Olivia told her, deciding to be bold.

" _Liv…_ " Amanda started. " _You don't have to if you're not ready._ " The blonde said worriedly.

Olivia bit her bottom lip.

" _I'd actually like to just get it over with._ " The older woman confessed.

" _Only if you're sure._ " Amanda told her.

Olivia nodded and closed her eyes tightly before removing the cloth. She was partially happy the bathroom had such shitty lighting and that it was dim.

She didn't hear Amanda do or say anything for a few seconds.

The blonde tried to allow her face to remain passive but a pained looked appeared on her face. Olivia couldn't see it though. Scars from keys and cigarettes cover Olivia's chest, some parts of her breasts, and there were a couple on her belly.

" _I'm going to kiss you, okay?_ " Amanda asked for permission.

" _Okay…_ " Olivia replied in a whisper. She was expecting a kiss on the lips but instead, she felt a light kiss on her shoulder. Amanda was making it clear that she was intending to kiss Olivia's body, not her mouth.

Olivia gasped.

" _Open your eyes, Olivia._ " Amanda said in a calm voice in between kisses as she made her way down to Olivia's chest.

The brunette shook her head and kept her eyes shut as she felt Amanda plant a gentle kiss on one of her scars.

Olivia sniffed. " _I need to sit down._ " She said quickly but she'd started sinking to the bottom of the tub, putting her arms on both sides and sitting down as if she were taking a bath. Amanda turned around and moved the knob to turn the water off.

She then reached out and grabbed a towel for Olivia.

Grabbing her hand, she helped Olivia up into a standing position. The brunette finally opened her eyes and took the towel, wrapping it around herself quickly like a security blanket. Then Amanda grabbed a towel for herself and they stepped out of the shower. The blonde didn't care that she hadn't gotten to condition her hair. All she cared about was that she made sure Olivia knew how loved she was.

Olivia made her way into the bedroom with Amanda hot on her trail.

" _If it's okay with you…_ " Amanda sated as Olivia curled up on the bed in her towel with her wet hair on her pillow. " _I wasn't finished…_ "

Olivia threw her a look. It was fear and confusion and sorrow all in one.

Amanda wiped her body off so she wouldn't get the sheets wet, the towel dried her hair a bit before completely leaving the towel on the floor and grabbing a pair of underwear from her bag with pantyliner in it because she was on her period after all. Amanda crawled back up the bed beside Olivia.

The blond was laying on her stomach beside Olivia.

" _Stop me if you don't want me to do this, okay?_ " Amanda asked, looking into Olivia's eyes for permission again. Olivia nodded in agreement and closed her eyes tightly as Amanda grabbed the top of Olivia's towel around her chest and gently pealed it back, exposing the scars again. Amanda could see them much better now.

She leaned down and kissed Olivia gently on the lips, relieved that she was kissed back, before she continued down the brunette's neck and onto her chest.

" _I love you._ " Amanda whispered in between kisses to the scars that Olivia now had covering her chest and some of her breasts.

" _I love you so fucking much._ " Amanda continued and hot tears leaked from Olivia's eyes.

The blonde let her fingers trace over the 'L' shape that had been burned into Olivia's skin.

" _None of this will change that, Liv._ " She said. " _You're still so beautiful._ " Amanda said as she laid her head down between Olivia's breasts. " _God, I missed this. I've missed you like this._ " She commented.

Meanwhile, Olivia was practically sobbing above her.

" _Hey,_ " Amanda said gently as she gazed up at her lover. " _You're okay. You're gonna be fine._ " She reached up to cup Olivia's cheek. " _I love you. I'm not going anywhere._ "

Olivia grabbed Amanda's forearm, pulling her closer so she could kiss her, then collapse into her chest, sobbing.

" _Shhh…_ " Amanda cooed. She pulled away briefly to grab a blanket that they kept at the bottom of the bed. She covered them both and then held Olivia tightly as her sobbing slowed. " _You're mine… not his._ " Amanda whispered as she kissed the side of Olivia's head. Normally they'd both be against claiming another person as if they were a position but Lewis had branded Olivia, and Amanda wanted to make it known that no matter what Lewis had done to her, she was still Olivia's and Olivia was still hers until they decided to end their relationship, if that ever happened.

" _I am yours…_ " Olivia whispered as she clung to Amanda. She looked up at the blonde and closed her eyes as she eased into the kiss that she saw Amanda about to plant on her.

It was nice, slow, and involved a lot of tongue.

" _I know you aren't ready so I'm not going to try anything,_ " Amanda stated, " _But I just wanted you to know that I'm so turned on by your body right now, by the way you're holding me, and how you love me._ " The blonde tried to put her feelings and emotions into words. " _Whatever he did to you, it doesn't change this, us._ "

Olivia smiled at her. " _You're right, I'm not ready, but I love you for telling me that._ " Then the brunette planted another long kiss on Amanda's lips. " _But if you really are turned on… I'd love another chance to cater to your needs…_ " Olivia said almost shyly. " _It's been over a month…_ "

" _I was giving you time…_ " Amanda replied.

" _I need time for myself… not to do things to you. I think we've pretty much got pleasuring you without having a flashback down pat._ " Olivia said as she wiped her face rid of tears, glad that they were stopping now.

" _You don't have to._ " Amanda told her, giving her a small smile.

" _What if I want to?_ " Olivia asked as she maneuvered herself to where she was straddling the blonde under the covers.

" _Then we'd have to go get back in the shower… otherwise, I'd make a mess…_ " Amanda commented, referring to her period. It was a light flow day because it had only just started the day prior, but still. And to be honest, she wasn't sure how Olivia felt about period sex. After she'd stayed with Olivia for several days prior to the Lewis event, their periods had synched up, which was common for females who were around each other a lot and practically living together.

So, they'd both get cramps, bloated, and be miserable at the same time usually. Only now, with stress and the Lewis stuff, they were out of sync again.

" _How bad are you cramping?_ " Olivia asked, suddenly concerned.

Amanda blushed. " _Not bad enough to turn down shower sex…_ "

Olivia laughed and threw the covers back, then she grabbed Amanda's hand and tugged her towards the bathroom.

Usually, Amanda would be against this for Olivia's sake but right now it was the opposite way around. The more Olivia did sexual things with Amanda, even if it was just beneficial for the blonde, the more comfortable Olivia got with intimacy.

Every little thing counted towards Olivia's recover. Ever kiss, touch, hug, all of it.

 **Thanks for keeping up with this story. I'm gonna take a small break from it for a little bit to work on finishing my other two stories. Right now, they are easier to write for me and this one is becoming harder.**


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